TORN APART

by Dansk 449 Replies latest members private

• 

  Dansk

  Hi All,

  Just an update. This lunch-time was a real heart-breaker. My younger daughter came back for the rest of her stuff today and refused to give us her new address. I asked if the last 19 years meant anything to her (she's 19) and she said nothing...................until she got to her friend's car where, now out in the street and with great bravado, she shouted "The last nineteen years were a joke!"

  Well, one would have to have a heart of stone not to feel anything - and so I decided to write it down here. My wife has gone out shopping and said that it hasn't bothered her at all - and I thought I was the stronger of us!

  OK, I'm gutted. I hope my daughter sees sense, but she's hard-headed and so one can only wait and see.

  Last week a special item was put on the service meeting (a friend, who's wife still attends, came round to inform me) and it was all about being aware of apostates. My friend said it was obvious it concerned my family.

  Last night I 'phoned a (ex)friend to ask if he wanted to do a photographic assignment. I work as a writer and this JW chap was to take some photographs for me. Now he doesn't want to know. Obviously, friendship in the org is conditional.

  So, I've lost my daughter(s), a friend, and judging by the talk on the service meeting am likely to be DF'd. Not the best start to a Saturday, but I'll not be emotionally blackmailed and I shan't turn my back on my principles. This is the most evil organisation on the planet. It is an affront to the very name "Christian".

  Thanks for listening again.

  Dansk
• 

  myself

  (((((Dansk& family)))))

  I am sorry the situation hasn't improved. Don't give up hope. There have been many here who were in for many years and serving in various capacities. The conditional love can be an eye-opener. The condional love caused a stand-off between one of my brothers (an elder and myself). We emailed back and forth for about a week. I let him know some of the subjects that caused me to question. I only touched the surface of the subjects. His reaction was to never send such apostate propoganda again or else! During that week we worked thru a lot of issues, and found out that we had a lot of misunderstandings. We keep in touch now more then we have in years. Don't lose hope. Keep showing your unconditional love. The love you have shown your youngest daughter for 19 years cannot be erased.
• 

  jgnat

  Maybe this little story will help, Dansk. I am a never-JW, but kids everywhere can be hurtful to their parents sometimes.

  I was pregnant at sixteen and had my first child at seventeen. I very much wanted to marry before my boy was born. Where I live, girls under the age of eighteen may marry with their parent's consent. My mom signed right away, she just wanted me to be happy. My father refused to sign. The man I wanted to marry was bad news. My father would not approve of a union that was, in every way, bad for me. I was furious, and did not speak to him for two years. A brief incident during that time is burned in my memory. He had driven me home after a Christmas gathering, in silence. Before I turned away, he gathered me in a fierce hug, then looked at me with such love, such yearning. Then left.

  I understand now, why he could not, in good conscience, sign that little piece of paper. And I love him all the more for it. I also believe a parent's love wins over all. As insidious as the society is, I do not believe they can permanently erase nineteen years of love and care. She will come around.
• 

  Dansk

  Thanks, 'myself' and 'jgnat', it means a lot. The forum has been immensely upbuilding.
• 

  patio34

  Hi Mr. and Mrs. Dansk,

  I'm so sorry you have to go through this and what a sad time it is for you. But this is my observation and belief, that it's even harder on your daughters once they get thru the bravado and cheers from the JWs.

  It seems to me that a relationship with one's parent is even more important than a relationship with one's grown offspring. This is just an intuition for me and may be wrong. But I think the parent has a lot more resources to draw on and is much more mature. The offspring is still tender.

  Why am I saying this? Because it doesn't seem to me that it'll be a permanent situation once the dust settles. She may well miss you and reconsider her harsh and unneccessary stance. As long as she knows the door's open, she has the option of fixing the situation.

  A really good book on how to talk to people inside a cult is Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steven Hassan. It has soo many good suggestions for building a relationship independent of the cult and not putting the cultist on the defensive, while making the cultist remember how good they can feel about themselves outside of the cult.

  Incidentally, Steven Hassan will be at Randy Watters' seminar (Freeminds.com) in Los Angeles next weekend ($150). It's a 2-day workshop on exiting a cult, etc. Here's a link to the page at Randy's site: http://www.freeminds.org/exitissues.htm

  All the best,

  Pat
• 

  Dansk

  Thanks Pat,

  I thoroughly enjoyed chatting with you today. It really helped.

  Love and best wishes,

  Dansk, Physio and Boys
• 

  calamityjane

  Sorry ((((((((Dansk & Physio)))))))))))

  I know how it feels when a child rejects you, when all your trying to do is good. My heart goes out to you both. Please hang in there.

  I've felt the rejection many of times.

  But Dansk and Physio you have each other. That is how you started out the both of you. The children came after. You have to preserve your relationship that you made together, before children. Keep strong both of you.

  You brought your daughters up in love, they will see it eventually.

  Our heart goes out to you now. WE love you. Dansk give Physio a hug for me. from a mom to a mom
• 

  Mulan

  My wife has gone out shopping and said that it hasn't bothered her at all - and I thought I was the stronger of us!

  I doubt it doesn't bother her..............but your wife understands women (teenaged girls too), and knows that she really doesn't mean what she said. While the words hurt, you must realize she does love you, and this is temporary. A girl her age is doubtless a JW for social reasons, primarily. Imagine the impact it would have on her life if she were to agree with you?

  Give her time. Someday, and it may be years, she will likely come back to talk. Also, she will hear the meetings with a "new ear" so to speak. There will be a talk, or a comment, eventually, that will touch her heart. For her, it will have to be an emotional situation....................remember women are emotionally driven creatures.
• 

  ozziepost

  Give her time. Someday, and it may be years, she will likely come back to talk.

  We, too, keep that hope before us. I wonder how many are suffering like this? Perhaps a "great crowd"?
• 

  Dansk

  Denise, Mulan and Oz,

  Physio and I are ALWAYS grateful that such stalwarts of the forum as yourselves should take the time to consider our plight and GENUINELY be concerned. We love you for it! ((((((((HUGS))))))))

  We know our younger daughter didn’t really mean it. Indeed, she texted Physio later thanking her for wrapping all her stuff so that she could move out more easily (actually, the reason for this was so that it would lessen the time any nosy JW helping our daughter would be on our premises).

  Physio has started reading Crisis of Conscience and from the very first page she turned to me and said, "It’s true. Look (looking at paragraph) that’s the P.O., blindly going along and ignoring the real truth and (looking at next paragraph) that’s YOU – unable to live the lie, even though the consequences can be painful!"

  Well, I’ve never considered myself a hero before, but you’ll excuse me, I know, if I said that that paragraph led Physio to giving me a really BIG cuddle. Thanks Raymond Franz, you’ve strengthened our marriage even further – not that it needed strengthening – but Sunday morning, lying in bed while reading your book has DISTINCT advantages (wink, wink!) .

  I telephoned a dear friend this morning – someone I’ve known for over 20 years, but whom I’d distanced somewhat due to his not being a JW, although we have always kept in touch – and he was saddened at what’s happened but also realises that our friendship can become even stronger, just as previous. He’s been living with a girl for around 15 years, but I always prevented them staying with us because they weren’t married. Now, my morals haven’t changed, but as far as I’m concerned they are in a proven loving relationship and Physio and I have absolutely no problem in their staying over! This is great – a real friend who’s stood by me all these years!!!!!

  I can’t help feeling that disfellowshipping is just around the corner; just a spoken word away – yet Physio, my ex-pioneer son and I DON’T CARE! Of course, we would like to remain undisfellowshipped for as long as possible for our daughters’ sake – but the inevitable surely must come. An apostasy talk has already been given which targeted us (even though we haven’t been spreading our beliefs to anyone). This despicable organisation seems to get away with everything with impunity.

  Ozzie, we love you, man! We didn’t realise you also are suffering similar (?). Just goes to show, none of us know one another’s real JW-induced problems, but many are so, so similar. At least we all have real empathy and understanding here. This place is V-E-R-Y therapeutic.

  Well, our dear friends, Physio has gone out shopping AGAIN, with our older son, while I’m painting the bathroom – or that's what I should be doing but I’m gassing to you lot instead (he-he!).

  Thanks, again, so much for just being there. And thanks to Simon and Ang for hosting such a truly wonderful place to go. Physio and I have become so unwound.

  Love,

  Dansk, Physio and Boys X