One of the problems you'll be facing now, that you didn't have before, is you have now studied--- far enough to be baptized now if it weren't for the smoking. Previous to studying, everyone could say "someday she will see it..." and "Jehovah can read hearts." Now it will be "she is not humble" "she knows it's the truth and rejects Jehovah" and "she has a prideful and haughty spirit." There is no benefit of the doubt for you anymore, because now you "know better."
I hope this doesn't change things with your in-laws, but be prepared that it may. Their view of the world, through their religion, taints all commonsense. The thing you really have to worry about now is people proselytizing your kids. Most JWs wouldn't tell a kid in a "divided household" that mommy is going to die at Armaggedon because of that benefit of the doubt that you may someday accept it. But now that you "know better" all bets are off. You guys are going to have to watch like a hawk over what certain ones in the congregation say to your kids. Even your in-laws may turn their attention to your kids--turning up the intensity of "teaching them about Jehovah" and reading the Bible Story book, which really means indoctrination. There are enough fear tactics in the children's books to really snag a young innocent child. Think of how you almost were caught up in it--now look at how vulnerable your kids are.
I'm really glad you are letting your original thoughts about this organization come up to be re-examined. It's like there was a blanket over them, but they were still there, right?
I know there are really nice people in the organization, that's what makes it sooooo hard to leave. But it will help if you look at it that they are nice apart from their religion, not because of it. And in fact, soon you will see that some of the naturally nice people in that Org will turn mean, hostile and judgmental, solely based on their religious beliefs. So their normal, nice friendly personality is subjugate to their indoctrination. Not natural. Not scriptural. Not acceptable.
Think really hard also about why this decision to not pursue membership with this organization is causing you so much pain... Was it this painful for you when you thought of leaving the Catholics? Did you fear that your former parish would dog your every step and threaten to destroy your family? Were you concerned about sanctions put upon you by the Priest if you were to tell him "I'm not entirely convinced of this Church tenent"? Now look at the contrast between that, and what you are going through now.
Remind yourself also that this is not YOU doing this to THEM, but THEIR OWN RULES supposedly reflecting GOD'S LOVE, that are causing you this anguish. Does that seem like God's Love to you?
I noticed early on in these posts that you felt you didn't know alot about the bible before you started studying, but you seemed to be hooked because you didn't really believe a Trinity, and they showed you in the Bible what you needed initially to feel they really knew the scriptures. This is exactly how my father got involved. He knew nothing at all of the scriptures, and someone told him that JWs didn't believe in Hell. Well, neither did he, so because he felt they were right on this matter that everyone else had "wrong," he suddenly became convinced that everything else they told him was true. He was caught, hook line and sinker. Because he had no real knowledge of the Bible to compare it to, there was nothing in his training that was a contradiction.
This is where you have an edge. You may not have had much training in Bible study prior to this, but you are curious enough to check it out and research (from other sources) whether what you are being taught is scriptural or editorial. This is what will save you when you think you're going crazy because "maybe they ARE right after all." Just do your research--not in the WT, with it's repetitive indoctrination, but from real authoratative, trained scholarly sources. Do some research on high-control tactics, and talk to someone professional about this if you need to. Perhaps your former priest...
