Studying with JWs - Confused, Conflicted ...

by RebelliousSpirit 278 Replies latest members private

RebelliousSpirit

Tori fans will particularly appreciate this song, but I'm thinking most here can relate. It's a favorite of mine. And it's probably one reason JWs don't "approve" of Tori. Heh.
Every finger in the room is pointing at me.
I wanna spit in their faces, then I get afraid of what that could bring.
I got a bowling ball in my stomach, I got a desert in my mouth.
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now.
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets.
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets.
I've been raising up my hands, drive another nail in.
Just what God needs- one more victim.
Why do we crucify ourselves? Everyday, I crucify myself.
Nothing I do is good enough for you. Crucify myself, everyday.
I crucify myself. My heart is sick of bein'- I said my heart is sick of bein' in,
Chains... oh-oh. Chains... oh-oh.
Got a kick for a dog, who?s beggin' for love.
I gotta have my suffering so that I can have my cross.
I know a cat named Easter, he says, will you ever learn.
You're just an empty cage, girl, if you kill the bird.
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets.
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets.
I've been raising up my hands, drive another nail in.
Got enough guilt to start my own religion.
Why do we crucify ourselves? Everyday, I crucify myself.
Nothing I do is good enough for you. Crucify myself, everyday.
I crucify myself. My heart is sick of bein'- I said my heart is sick of bein' in,
Chains... oh-oh. Chains... oh-oh.
Please... be... save... me... I... cry...
Looking for a savior in these dirty streets.
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets.
I've been raising up my hands, drive another nail in.
Where are those angels when you need them?
Why do we crucify ourselves? Everyday, I crucify myself.
Nothing I do is good enough for you. Crucify myself, everyday.
I crucify myself. My heart is sick of bein'- I said my heart is sick of bein' in,
Chains... oh-oh. Chains...
BACKGROUND (Why do we... crucify ourselves)
Why do we... yea, chains. Crucify ourselves everyday. Oh oh oh oh oh.
No, chains, oh, yea, yea, chains, oh oh oh oh oh oh.
Never going back again, oh, crucify myself again.
You know, never going back again to crucify myself, everyday...
Fleur

Welcome RS, forgive me I haven't read all 7 pages of this thread but I just wanted to say that I think Cliff's statement, along with Alan and JG said, trust your gut.
Cliff said:
"You're on the tracks. You can hear the train. You can see the train. Save your children for god's sake."
He's right. I was raised in the organization, believe me, he's right. You do not want your children to be trapped; eventually getting baptized (maybe as a pre-teen, as I did) and then if say, they get a divorce from someone who treats them like dirt and marry someone who treats them like gold, they get df'd and lose their entire family (that's what happened to me because I grew up a JW)
Don't ignore the feeling that you should protect your kids from these people. You should.
You must.
welcome to you, and also to freedom frog! :)
hugs
essie
Honesty

You should read your Bible.
Especially Hebrews Chapter 1 and 1 Corinthians 11:3.
Ask why the 'increase' is so much in Latin American countries. Could it be that the WTBTS is a substitute Pope that encourages Bible reading on their terms with their publications with the Bible they claim is the best translation? Ask them about Johannes Greber and his rendering of John 1:1. Then do a little outside research on Johannes Greber and see who helped him with his translation. You may be surprised at what you find.
BTW, I was a JW minister with 'extended privileges' for 14 years until I bypassed the Society and started worshipping Jesus (see Hebrews 1:8, Matthew 2:2; 2:8; 2:11; 14:33; 28:9; 28:17, Luke 24:52, John 9:38. Rendered the same in almost every translation except the NEW WORLD TRANSLATION.)
They can't worship or put faith in Jesus.
Look at the front cover of the Watchtower March 1, 1979 to see who they put their faith in.
RebelliousSpirit

Something is up my conductor's @ss. She and her PO/elder husband went on vacation the week of Christmas and was gone that whole following week. The end of that same week I went on vacation to visit my in-laws for the whole next week. While I was down there, I dropped her a few emails asking how she's doing, etc. Here we are almost at the end of week three and she hasn't responded to any of my emails. And I have sent more since I got home! At book study she barely spoke to me, so I emailed her that night and asked if she was feeling alright. Still no answer and that was nearly 4 days ago! She came last night to pick her husband up after he studied with my husband, and again she said barely 2 words to me! WTF???
I don't know if she's mad because I studied with my mother-in-law while I was away, or what? We were due to start the Worship book this week - instead I started it with my MIL (and got through chapter 4 in just a few days!). Before doing so though, I asked my elder FIL if it would be ok to study with MIL, or if there was some "rule" against it since I am technically studying with someone already. He said it was perfectly fine and he would encourage it! So I did, because I really enjoy studying with MIL.
My conductor already seems to hold a grudge against my MIL. First of all because my in-laws maintained a relationship with hubby while he was DA - and my conductor's brother is DF and she doesn't speak to him (10 years now). She got really angry telling me "how dare people talk to their DF family member when I don't talk to my brother!" Her choice definitely stumbles her, IMHO.
Plus, I rave about my MIL all the time (though I do NOT compare her to my conductor). What can I say? I love the woman to pieces!! And a few times my conductor has said, "Well I'm not your MIL" or some such thing. So there seems to be jealousy.
Anyway ... WTF is her problem that she hasn't gotten around to emailing me in 3 weeks??? And then she's barely talking to me on top of that??? We have TMS tonight and I am so aggravated that I want to scream! I dont know if I am overreacting or what. ::sigh::
Billygoat

Rebel,
Keep being nice to your conductor...who knows...she might have her own crap to deal with that has nothing to do with you. But I betcha ten to one that you're experiencing the typical JW Sisterhood behavior. It's really a sorority without the kewl parties. Bitchy, catty, gossipy, backstabbing women. You haven't seen the tip of the iceberg yet. You've really only been studying (kinda like dating) so you don't get to see the dirt as it really is. Just keep your eyes open. I'm sure that you'll see more the more you stick around them.
Andi
RebelliousSpirit

The whole time hubby was studying last night I found myself muttering under my breath about whatever was being talked about when I walked by them. At one point the PO said to hubby, "Isn't that exciting??!!" (He says that a lot about everything, he is VERY zealous) And I started muttering to myself, "Oh yeah, real freakin exciting - NOT!" I never feel that way - usually I am making them coffee and snacks, puttering about while they do their thing, stopping to talk to them once in awhile. Last night I just felt pissed about the whole thing, which in turn made me feel guilty. ::sigh:: My poor hubby - he doesn't deserve me feeling like this. I don't know what my problem is suddenly. If anyone knew, they would blame it on all the apostate sites I've bee reading in the last few days, I'm sure.
Argh! I am so frustrated!!
RebelliousSpirit

Keep being nice to your conductor...who knows...she might have her own crap to deal with that has nothing to do with you.

I thought of that. But it's NOT like her to be this distant, and to not return emails either. Even if she has something going on, you'd think that if she can keep going out in the ministry (she's a Pioneer) every single day - that she could take 10 minutes to drop me an email!!
I will keep being nice, but I am not happy.
undercover

Welcome Rebel... good name, I like it.
I haven't taken the time to read all seven pages of this thread, so I might be repeating someone else;
but if you want to see something that will make you realize that maybe the JWs are trying to hide something about their religion from you tell them that you have been researching the JWs and the Watchtower on the Internet and at the library and see what reaction you get. You'll know right then and there that becoming a JW is a mistake.
RebelliousSpirit

And let's not forget. Anytime I start having doubts I am told that Satan is working on me because he doesn't like how much I am progressing in my study. Could that be true? How the hell should I know?! I would think Satan has better things to do than bother me, but I could be wrong.
It's so frustrating. ::cry::
I only got myself into this because of the good I see it bring to the lives of my in-laws and their close friends that I have come to known. It never looked particularly bad to me at all - I mean, my in-laws are awesome people, as I've said. And they don't live some sheltered life or anything like that. I thought it could bring the same good to my family as it has to them - they have a great marriage of 30 years, and they have a great relationship with their kids.
Me, on the otherhand, my family is falling apart - not my husband/kids, but my parents and extended family. I can't even begin to explain it here. But suffice it to say that I have come to be closer to and rely more on my in-laws than I can on my parents, etc. I love my family very much - but my mother is chronically ill and zonked on heavy medication (overmedicating herself) most of the time anymore, my father (they're divorced) has NEVER been a father to me, my grandmother (who was my best friend when my mom went off the deep end) died 2 years ago (which sent me into a nervous breakdown), and my dear, wonderful grandfather (who has been my daddy my whole life) is VERY sick with Parkinson's disease and I am terrified he won't live much longer. My brothers are busy and indifferent. My family is in pieces. All of my happiness comes from my in-laws being there for me anymore. Without them, I would probably fall apart. I might be nearly 30 years old, but even I still "need my mommy" somtimes.
::sigh::
momof5

Come right out and ask her. I read somewhere that if you guess what someone is thinking that 99% of the time you are wrong!
momof5

Studying with JWs - Confused, Conflicted ...

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