Greetings One-and-All!
I would like to thank "Angelina from Santa Ana, CA" for the wonderful letter and gift. Her words of support were very helpful and I am happy to have a second mother out west. I have been busy cleaning out as much debris as possible from the old house.
I was called by the court appointed guardian that is representing Tonya. The guardian attorney mentioned that the house will be sold as ordered by Judge Murray as soon as possible. I was told the proceeds from the sale will be held in escrow by the court.
I was also informed that Judge Murray and his staff of advisors (court appointed custodian, therpaist, realtor, guardian) will assist him in coordinating the final disposition and distribution of the marital assets. My attorneys called me this morning to confirm the very same information.
I was also told a buyer/contractor had been contacted who has diaplyed interest in purchasing the house for the purpose of fixing and selling. Apparently, according to my attorneys, the court appointed relator has not had much success (I think she didn't try hard enough, was not creative or didn't care because she got stuck with the task) in locating normal home buyers. The reason given was that the house has suffered fire and smoke damage and most mortgage lenders will not finance a damaged property.
I don't know anything. I know I am paranoid and want to retrieve as many of my belongings as possible before the locks are changed and I no longer have access. I "bagged" most of Talia's clothing last night. I now realize why I keep smelling her things, keep hanging on and collecting everything I can find that once belonged to her, and that is because I don't have the heart to give any of her things away.
It feels like abandonment. I am already feeling quite guilty over everything and have never stopped feeling like I abandoned my children because I did not fight hard or smart enough to save them from Tonya.
I cried a lot last night over Talia's sneakers, winter boots, scarves, knit socks and hats. She always chose the loudest colors and patterns that simply did not match our environment or location. She was always different and unique. I miss her every day (crying now) and need her back.
I keep pretending that I see her and picture her standing nearby, or sitting down or talking and laughing. It works for a few seconds, but it disappears rather quickly. How do you keep an audio-visual presence of a child around when the child is gone? I really wish I could just touch her for a few seconds. It would mean so much to just brush up against her skin for a little and maybe smell her hair or nuzzle a shoulder like I used to when she was a little girl.
If you have small ones, please please please take advantage of every second, every opportunity to hug, touch, embrace, feel, look and be together. You would miss it terribly if it were suddenly gone. I don't know how to convey that to all of you, but she is actually gone.
Memorial Day will be Talia's 13th birthday. I don't know what to do about that day? I guess each year we count the number of years we are alive and celebrate. She would be 13, but will not be alive for a 13th year. I don't know what to do and am very confused about that day. Someone help me please!
I love all of you very much, especially you Beverly, Hubert, Lisa, Nina, Angelina, Jim & June, and so many many others. I owe all of you whatever life I have left and the remainder of my sanity. I feel so guilty when I am not sad and grieving and miss being alone with memories and pictures. I need the sadness to remember Talia.
I have to go for now and will post again tommorow. Thx a million!
LOVE
MJB
