Is unhappiness a reason for divorce ?

by caliber 154 Replies latest jw friends

  • punkofnice

    My JW wife left me and said it WASN'T because of the WBT$.

    That's funny, on several occasions after my 'apostasy'(TM) she said: 'I only married you because you were a JW!'

    What do you make of that then!!

  • caliber

    She lied to you before... but told you the truth after the fact

    but in pondering thoughts on this thread , in many cases have they fully even realized themselves what all the true reasons are ?

    ....all the implications had not been thought out

  • cobaltcupcake

    My parents pushed me into marriage at age 18, and it was a huge mistake. I didn't love him, and he was only interested in sex.

    I was unhappy, and I let him know - respectfully and calmly - I wanted to talk it out and come to an understanding.

    He essentially treated me like an appliance. When you want toast your toaster becomes very important, but the rest of the time it is ignored on the counter.

    I detailed what I wanted, and he said he agreed that I was right and he promised he would make an effort to be more loving and thoughtful.

    We had this conversation approximately once every 3 months for the 27 years we were married. He never made even the slightest effort to accommodate me.

    I finally told him that if he didn't show some progress I would leave him. Even that had no effect on him, so I left.

    I have had so much more energy since I left him that I have to believe that remaining in that marriage was sucking the life out of me.

    So yes, unhappiness is a valid reason for divorce. I should have left him in the first year.

  • FlyingHighNow
    I wish to thank Eva because yes, I did see her edited out comment very nice and kind.. but while is was gracious she also realized
    it was of a personal nature .......

    She didn't edit out the one comment of hers I quoted though. Either she is a friend or you are fairly transparent. She also reminded you of the serenity prayer.

  • still thinking
    still thinking

    So we come back full circle ...what are the valid reasons for divorce then that lead to these negative feelings of unhappiness?

    Does it really matter what someones reasons are? If they have got to the stage where they want a divorce. What is the point in trying to make it work? One reason is as valid as another if the end result of unhappiness is the same.

    No one gets to tell another human what they should have to endure in a relationship. Or that their reason for wanting a divorce is invalid. It's their life. They get to decide what is right for THEM.

    Just because someone may think that adultery should be forgiven, or that selfishness should be forgiven, or that alcoholism should be forgiven, or that lack of interest should be forgiven, or dishonesty, or cruelty, or controlling behaviour, or lack of respect, or lack of loving behaviour, or any number of other things that can occur in a marriage should be forgiven. We do not get to tell another human what they should or shouldn't put up with. We don't get to tell another human being that they should stay for the children or any other reason. When someone decides their marriage is over...that is their business and their decision based on their own reasons.

    Sure it sucks for the partner that may want to stay in the marriage. I don't know about anyone else here, but I wouldn't want someone to stay with me because they felt they had to. If that was how they felt about me..I'd rather they left.

  • FlyingHighNow
    Sure it sucks for the partner that may want to stay in the marriage. I don't know about anyone else here, but I wouldn't want someone to stay with me because they felt they had to. If that was how they felt about me..I'd rather they left.

    I feel the same way. How could I sit in the same car, livingroom or at the dinner table with someone I know does not want to be there with me? How can I stand it when I know the other person resents being in the marriage? How can I stand it when I am pretty sure the other person has his mind on greener pastures? I'd be prolonging my agony as well as my partner's. I'd rather accept reality, begin healing and start a new chapter of my life.

    I'm almost 11 years out of my second marriage. I don't identify myself as half of a couple anymore. I am me. I don't have to define myself by someone else. I've had a couple of good relationships since my divorce, with guys who really loved being with me and still do enjoy my company and the feeling is mutual. If someone really wonderful comes along and we fall in love, I'll be ready for that.

    Being hopelessly unhappy in a marriage that you don't want to be in is akin to being trapped or imprisoned. I sure would not want someone feeling like I was the old ball and chain.

  • leaving_quietly

    It's "a reason", yes. Legit or not is only for the two people in the marriage to decide.

    This is the exact reason I started waking up. The WTS says "no", emphatically. Divorce is permitted only if fornication is committed. They allow three reasons for separation: willful non-support, extreme physical abuse and absolute spiritual endangerment. After my research, I found those three reasons completely bogus and without scriptural backing. Here's the bottom line, scripturally:

    Matt 19:9: "I say to YOU that whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of fornication, and marries another commits adultery." Note the emphasis. The adultery is committed only if another marriage ensues if the divorce is for any reason other than fornication.

    Paul knew that happy marriages were not always possible. Thus, 1 Cor 7:10, 11: "To the married people I give instructions, yet not I but the Lord, that a wife should not depart from her husband; 11 but if she should actually depart, let her remain unmarried or else make up again with her husband; and a husband should not leave his wife."

    The WTS attibutes 1 Cor 7:10,11 to separation. There's really no distinction here. Either way, it's a departing whether you call it separation or divorce. The sin comes in when, post-departing, one of the spouses has relations with someone else.

    I can tell you unequivocally that I am super unhappy with my marriage (over 20 years). My spouse has given up. I have given up. It's only a matter of time before we part ways. For me, living alone would be better than being in a miserable relationship. We don't fight anymore. We rarely even talk. Not a good way to live. It's a lot harder to part when the religion has such a major role in life.

  • still thinking
    still thinking

    We don't fight anymore. We rarely even talk. Not a good way to live.

    That's what my marriage ended up like leaving_quietly. It's not a life. It's a long slow death.

    It was a struggle when we first seperated, mainly because of my beliefs about what a marriage was or should be and my bullshit ideas about what god wanted. I tried my darndest to make a good thing out of a bad situation. But what a waste of time it all turned out to be. If I hadn't had ridiculous beliefs about marriage it would have ended years earlier and with far less pain.

    I won't kid anyone. Even though it was my decision to end the marriage. I struggled at first. I went through months of feeling suicidal. I felt my life had failed. THAT couldn't be further from the truth of the matter.

    My life BEGAN when my marriage ended. I just couldn't see it at the time. But I couldn't be married any longer either.

    I shudder to think of my life now if I had stayed in that situation. My life is SO much better now. I am happier, more at ease with myself. And the kids are growing up and understanding that they deserve happiness in thier lives too. They are worth it. And so am I.

    As for my ex. He seems quite happy. We are on good terms now. But that was a long road to get to, and I had to wait for his bitterness towards me to end before we could get to a place of mutual respect towards one another.

    Divorce isn't easy on anyone. But it is better than staying in a situation where you spend your life wishing you weren't there. That is not a life.

  • caliber

    Every man has his price." This is not true. But for every man there exists a bait which he cannot resist swallowing. To win over certain people to something, it is only necessary to give it a gloss of love of humanity, nobility, gentleness, self-sacrifice - and there is nothing you cannot get them to swallow. To their souls, these are the icing, the tidbit; other kinds of souls have others.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    The gods may throw the dice

    Their minds as cold as ice

    And someone way down here

    Loses someone dear

    The winner takes it all

    The loser has to fall

    It's simple and it's plain

    Why should I complain

    Sadly, Broken hearts have trouble with "reason"

  • FlyingHighNow

    Honestly, the winner isn't always the winner. Sometimes the loser comes out on top.

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