Mario,
I wish my arms could reach you. Thanks for posting.
Carol
Ex-JW Mother attempts suicide with children and fails! My Family Tragedy
by Utopian Reformist 1241 Replies latest members private
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Utopian Reformist
Dear JWD Family:
I have been partially functional for the last four days. Consecutively, I have awaken at an almost respectable hour, arrived almost on time for my obligatory appointments (court ordered therapy and counseling), AND I have managed to feed myself almost twice daily, though I am consuming mostly liquids because I am grateful for the weight loss I have experienced and would like to continue to remain thin.
I did not hear from Marina at all this weekend, thus we did not spend anytime together nor chatted via telephone. Marina lost her cell phone almost two weeks ago and we have not been able to find it. I do realize that in today's world, young children are captivated and lured by media advertising and that everyone is becoming a "gadget hound". Normally, Marina would not have had a cell phone, but, since the fire and since she is living with the ex-in-laws, I have been concerned about privacy and being able to reach her at my convenience.
Thus, I purchased a cell phone for her so she could contact my immediate family in Philly or Italy or me as the need arises. Now, we are both at the mercy of the family phone. As soon as I am working again I will rectify the situation. She is a young traumatized adolescent and does need a method for emergency contact.
I have been laboring feverishly to locate some work. I am searching through a variety of occupations and industries hoping for a breakthrough. I am willing to work nights, weekends, holidays and whatever shifts are made available and unoccupied. I will perform manual labor, construction, cleaning, or return to information technology management, if possible.
Recent trends show that outsourcing is rapidly consuming the available amount of technical work in the US. However, since my skills are unique (Linux, UNIX, BSD, Novell), and I specialize in security, messaging and infrastructure, I beleive something will eventually respond in a positive fashion.
Fortunately, my living expenses remained at an all-time low this winter since I do not have heat or hot water and did not make any attempts to provide any in my attic apartment. I am occupying a third floor tenement style attic converted into a studio apartment. When Tonya removed me from my home, I was not allowed to take any furniture, thus, for almost two years I have living without basic furniture and sleeping on a hardwood floor in a military sleeping bag.
Mind you, I am not complaining and I have gotten so used to it that sleeping in a bed now feels foreign and makes my lower back pain return with a vengance. However, the kind and merciful therapists and the RIVASC that "BEBU" contacted have already located a free "furniture bank" in RI that distributes donated furniture to the homeless, jobless and others in dire straits.
I have returned to the fire many times, but the remaining furniture is so badly damaged that it cannot be salvaged. Thus, my initial hopes of recovering some of my favorite possessions vanished early on after the fire.
I will be attending more sessions this week and also attempting to accelerate my job search. I have checked with so many agencies and unfortunately, even though my previous employer was hasty and a bit harsh in dismissing me from my position due to the strain of appointments, hopsital duties and legal/police involvement, I cannot afford an attorney to fight the dismissal. I did contact the Human Rights Commission and they feel I do not have a case since I was not dismissed due to ethnic, racial, religious, gender or orientation based issues.
I checked with other agencies and I was given much of the same "spiel". So, unless I can find a medical doctor who is willing to certify me as clinically depressed and thus endorse an application for permanent diability monthly insurance payments, I am not eligible for unemployment compensation or anything else for the time being. I am still trying to find anything.
I know I should have gotten "on the good foot" much sooner, however, I was and am still feeling suicidal at times and simply did not have the energy nor "where-with-all" to make progress. I have been fortunate to experience four days of activity without major emotional and spontaneous "meltdowns" in public places.
I miss my little Talia every minute of every day and am simply hoping she would have wanted me to keep trying and stay alive and have a happy life. I hope that is true. I am not sure of much anymore.
Please accept my gratitude for all of the cards and donations. I know who you are and will never forget! Thx a million and I hope to post again ASAP.
MJB -
calamityjane
Glad to hear from you again Mario. Slowly but surely you will get back on your feet.
cj
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calamityjane
Glad to hear from you again Mario. Slowly but surely you will get back on your feet.
cj
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Billygoat
(((((Mario))))))
Wonderful hearing from you! You are making the best of the situation at hand and that my friend, is all you need to worry about. I am so glad to know that you have the right resources at your finger tips to take care of your daily needs. You are sounding better and better with every post. I am sure that you still have those moments, but if they are less frequent and less intense with every day, then you are making progress. I will not patronize you with saying 'I understand'. But I will say that I've been suicidal many times in my life and I know the darkness of despair. And I will also say that I am immensely proud of that fact that you are putting one foot in front of the other! Marina needs you to keep doing that. Your post has made my day!
With love,
Andi
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calamityjane
Oops! double post
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TresHappy
Mario, we continue to pray for you and Marina and send our love to you.
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Bryan
Mario:
I know I should have gotten "on the good foot" much sooner
You can't look at it this way Mario. However long it took you to get "on the good foot", is simply how long it took you. They are no measurements of time regarding finding emotional stability.
We're all glad to hear your doing better, and soon you'll be to a daily rutine.
So happy to hear from you!
Bryan
Have You Seen My Mother
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bebu
I am always glad to read your posts, Mario. We all appreciate each time you write to let us know how things go, both good and bad.
We are all encouraged that you are living with more hope, which is evidenced by the small changes you noted, even though still rather frail. We still offer you our best thoughts and prayers so that you may continue and feel encouraged.
Mario, I do not think it would be so hard to find a medical doctor to diagnose you as clinically depressed. Go to a family practitioner or general practitioner (this includes mid-levels like nurse practitioners and physician assistants who also have privileges for diagnosing and writing prescriptions) and be seen. You will be able to get what you require thru them.
A little more info for you, which I'll send by pm.
God bless.
Beverly
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cruzanheart
You sound better each time you post, and that makes me happy! Don't expect instant recovery -- you've been through hell and are just coming back. You're doing GREAT, and when you are ready you'll find an appropriate job. Might not use all of your talents but it might be what you need to get you through to the next phase of healing.
Hugs,
Nina