Ex-JW Mother attempts suicide with children and fails! My Family Tragedy

by Utopian Reformist 1242 Replies latest members private

Sunspot

(((((Mario))))
Hopefully if you have had the chance to peek at this thread, you'll know that we are still keeping you in our hearts and prayers, or sending love and positive energy your way.
love and hugs,
Annie
bebu

I will call the agency again this next week. It's kinda tricky, just wanting to be sure he's having the specific care he'll need, without invading his privacy. The gals in the agency understand that balance, so we keep information to a deliberate minimum (that he's doing ok, keeping appointments, etc.). They still feel he's very fragile, so they work with him carefully, and respectful of his dignity.
I'm glad you folks do remember him. May I remind you that he may need some more financial help this month? I understand he's taking steps to help regain financial strength, so it should hopefully not be a long-term situation for him. Hubert recommends anonymous cash; I think such would travel well inside a nice card...
Consider this a gentle reminder...
bebu
Utopian Reformist

Dear JWD Family (I mean ALL of you):

I have finally found enough strength to post to all of you today. I have so much information and personal feelings I want to share with you and I hope I can do so in a logical and coherent fashion.

First, let me begin my expressing my most deepest and sincerest gratitude and thanks for all of the wonderful cards, letter, special thoughts, poems, prayers and donations I have received via regular mail. I have been overwhelmed with tears and emotion each time I have gone to the post office and discovered the loving kindness of my friends and family in so many places. I have shared everything I could with Marina so that she could see how much we are loved from such great distances by amazing people with gigantic hearts and wonderful souls.

You have all been instrumental in keeping me alive up to this point and also for accelerating the level of support and concern in my case by the agencies involved in providing me assistance. All have been amazed by how much concern and generosity has been demonstrated by such a close knit community like JWD. I have never felt so proud explaining to Marina and to others who all of you are and how you have banded together in time of crisis to support a member in trouble. I can never forget the sheer magnitude of the gestures performed and may never be able to repay such levels of kindness.

Onto the present situation, I have been attending the monthly support group meeting sponsored by "RIVASC" which is the Rhode Island Victims Advocacy Support Group operating as a non-profit agency under the guidance of the Office of the Attorney General in RI. "BEBU" has been responsible in re-connecting me with this group and its two wonderful directors (Ann-Marie D'Alessio & Kathleen Souza). I had fallen away into depression and lost contact and began sliding back into the darkness when they intervened along with BEBU.

Since then, the group has been assigning me "homework" in order to start getting my life back together. They are kind but tough and persistent. I hope to invite "HUBERT" to attend this month's meeting with me since the meetings can be very emotional and intense.

Also, I have been spending more and more time with Marina. I finally picked her up from high school for the very first time and have met some of her new friends. She is fitting in well because of her humorous personality and kind demeanor. She has joined the "nerds" and is part of the school's technical magnet and attends the afterschool tech meetings and participates in their projects. Basically, it is the age-old typical "audio-visual" crowd from our day now transformed with newer technology and new covering, but the same personality types.

Marina has been opening up to me in small bits and pieces. She asked me to remove the restraining orders so that she could visit Tonya at the mental hospital and so she could speak to her during prisoner phoning hours. I reluctantly acquiesced. Marina has been extrememly grateful and very happy.

I celebrated her birthday by bying her a new journal to write down her personal thoughts (the original burned in the fire) and a dictionary for italian class and a small stuffed animal to sleep with at night while she continues staying at her aunt's house. In the interim, I too have spoken to Tonya several times on the phone and also visited her in person.

I visited her because I knew she had not seen the extent of the injuries and burns she caused Talia to die from and I wanted her to have the spare set of prints. Thus, I brought her many photos from the hospital, funeral in Providence and funeral in Italy. She examined them all and only partially shed some light tears.

Tonya is very dismissive and has still not apologized or explained why she burned the house. She lives in denial. She claims the fire had been extinguished and that the authorities actually lit the fire again and that is what killed Talia.

We have argued and this past Saturday, during my first face to face visit, she angered me by dictating how I should make arrangements for Marina, that I should get over my anger and concentrate on parenting Marina, and a few other instructions as well. Normally, that is all good advice. However, it set me off and I was so angry that I lunged out of my chair and attempted to reach her through the protective door and glass.

Needless to say, I was physically removed by several orderlies and escorted out of the facility. I have spoken to her several times and I have told her that I expect her to do what is right, accept responsibility, make justice possible and provide us closure and financial relief by taking her own life as soon as possible. I explained that she owes that to Talia for sending her off by herself, and that the divorce proceedings and property disputes would be immediately resolved and that everyone would reach closure and feel justice is served. I will keep reminding and suggesting this until she does.

Tonya's twin sister is now pregnant by her "worldly" attorney boyfriend who is not interested in marriage nor interested in the JW policies or lifestyle. Thus, Tammy Fuller is now ostracized, shunned and her family will not speak to her since learning of her condition. I couldn't be more pleased.

Marina visited the wreckage with me Sunday and after a few minutes in the house, she fell apart and collapsed after witnessing the gravity of it all. It finally hit her and she realizes how much damage and how much unecessary pain has been foolishly inflicted upon all of us by her mother's stupidity.

I remind Tonya every day that her stupidity killed my daughter. She still claims she was worried the authorities would hurt the children, so I guess burning the children in a fire was somehow a way to avoid their being hurt? I want her dead so bad and so fast every time she makes a stupid statement like that and angers me to no end.

I am visiting her tomorrow. I went to my therapy session this morning and the counselor has deemed me "unstable". She said I am not fit to parent Marina yet and and currently unstable. I am trying my best to hang on and keep going day after day. New reminders and old reminders find me every day and trigger emotional episodes and thus I am still grieving and fighting the urges to isolate myself almost every day.

This is a long update so I will post more later this week. I am searching for work since I do not qualify for unemployment, temporary disability or other types of compensation. I am trying to keep Marina steady and work on small steps. I thank all of you for everything and hope all of you are doing well and that your families and loved ones are safe, happy and healthy.

Love,
MJB
happyout

Mario,
Thank you so much for the update. You are understandably still in so much pain, maybe you should avoid visiting or speaking to Tonya for a while. It makes perfect sense that it upsets you, but unfortunately, your reactions may have a negative backlash against you (such as the orderlies dragging you away). Please don't risk the relationship you are rebuilding with Marina by letting your anger cause you to act rashly. Your loving heart can only deal with so much at a time, please, try to put Tonya on the back burner of your mind while you focus on your love for Marina, and putting your lives back together.
Our thoughts, good wishes, and prayers are with you always.
Much love,
Happyout
gdt

Mario,
How good to read your post, you well know how much thoughtfulness has been toward you, along with our tears.
May I please ask you to think of something?
When I first had to handle the fact that a stupid young drunk driver killed my wife in front of my 4 kids (18/16/6 and 2 at the time), in court I can remember telling the judge to show understanding to the 19yr old as I didn't wish him to go through any of the agony I was going through.
Now (and it is 20 years ago), and after all the mental anguish and the hurt to my kids' lives and relationships, I am not sure what to really think. But would it be right for me to want him dead or kill himself?
I don't really think so. And if I may ask you just to remember that you, or I, are not really authorised by God, or by men either, to take the law into our own hands or tell anyone we hate/dislike etc that they should kill themslves to make us feel better because they deserve it or whatever reasons we have or how much we have been hurt. It came across in your post that you would like Tanya to die as punishment.
But of what benefit is that? She obviously has a thinking problem, maybe drugs, maybe some weakness somewhere, but just last night at the group study one paragraph stood out, may I quote it?
p.244-246 Draw Close to Jehovah' "However small or insignificant that bit of good may have been (re Abijah son in apostate family), Jehovah found it worth noting in his Word. He even rewarded it, showing an appropriate degree of mercy...Jehovah looks beyond our imperfections and sees our potential. Are you not worth more than a chalk and charcoal drawing? (ref DaVinci painting) In God's eyes you certainly are - however damaged you may be by inherited imperfection. Jehovah sees the good in us that we may not see in ourselves. No matter how Satan's world has treated us, we are valuable, precious." and so on...John 3:16 showing how God loved the horrible world of mankind by proving his love for us through his Son.
Mario, please think about getting rid of your anger to Talia's mum and of course Marina's too. For your sake as much as theirs, the kids would not want you to be so angry and revengeful to their mum, no matter what, surely.I expect they would be more proud of you seeing the strength of your forgiveness
Just my thoughts, along with my very best wishes for your future life as Marina's dad.You have obviously handled her with much wisdom and love.
Geoff. gdt.
gdt

Mario....'happyouts' words to you were what I was trying to say to you...just put nicer, but true, really true, please listen to her. geoff.
hubert

Considerate it done, Mario. I'd be honored to be there to lend you support. Give me a call or p.m. ahead of time, so I can put it in my schedule.
Glad to see you posting again, Mario. You are on the right track for recovery, thanks to Bebu's help. You are a lucky man, to have all these people here wanting to help you through this tragedy. They truly are the greatest friends anyone can have.
Call me, my friend.
Hubert
kls

Mario you have a long road of healing and getting well but it will all come in time. You have been through so much and we care so deeply.
 TO ALL
 I have been reading this post since it's conception of the tragedy and i would like to say how wonderful the people on this forum are .
 You guys are so wonderful and i am so proud to know you.
bebu

(((Mario)))
What a great surprise to read you here again!! I'm so glad to know you've been able to get out and about, getting some help/homework done, having time with Marina and seeing her make changes for better, too. Is she seeing a counselor, I wonder? Maybe RIVASC might be of help to her as well?
I think all of us can understand how easy, how terribly easy, hate is. And it seems rather logical, given the incomprehensible situation you are in. Which is why I certainly can't judge you for feeling it--I feel sure that I'd battle with hatred and rage. It's a hard road, full of ups and downs, and many dark areas. We'll try to keep the light shining for you, so you won't get stuck!!!!!
Remember, Mario, that feelings can change, but a suicide does not. So please, don't permit your feelings of rage take the lead right now... Focus on putting your life back together for yourself, and then for Marina's sake. That will probably take all the energy you have! And as Happyout says, you could work yourself backward if you deal with Tonya right now, unless it's absolutely required. I'm sure you will only suffer worse!
I hope you will be using all the agencies and assistance you can find available to you. If you haven't talked with anyone about this yet, I would be more than glad to poke somebody over there... (not you, Hubert! Some agencies! ) I'll pm you later. Anyway....
THANKS FOR SHOWING UP AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!
bebu
Edited to add: PS to gdt... That was very encouraging!
Sunspot

Dearest Mario,
How WONDERFUL to see your post! I am so glad that you took the time to come and "visit" us!
I also agree with what Happyout said. I feel so sad that with all that you are dealing with right now, that you go and visit Tonya. It's none of my business (dontcha love it when someoe says that and then gets INTO your business?) but....I don't think that it can be very good for you to subject yourself to that at all.
Apparently she hasn't come to terms with her part in the tragedy, and that HAS to extremely frustrating for you! As far as your parenting Marina at this time, I'm actually glad that they feel that you need more time to heal and to get your life back on track before assuming that responsibility.
Marina seems like an intelligent girl and pretty well adjusted despite the experience she went through-but teen agers are tricky to raise under the best of situations! They're just "finding themselves" and testing limits that you didn't even know existed! (Ask anyone who's raised one!)
It may be best for you both if you take your time on this, and keep up with the visits and the little gifts. Helping the relationship to take new roots and grow strong will take time and you are getting the help right now that YOU need to in allowing yourself to get a foothold in rebuilding your life.
I will continue to pray for you every day, and I wish I could do more than that. You have so much good in you and have a LOT to give. As little as some of us are able to do for you......we love and support you 100% and will be here for you as long as this board (and our computers) are operating!
MUCH love and lots of hugs to you and Marina,
Annie

Ex-JW Mother attempts suicide with children and fails! My Family Tragedy

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