Ex-JW Mother attempts suicide with children and fails! My Family Tragedy

by Utopian Reformist 1242 Replies latest members private

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  Happy Guy :)

  My sister and mother say let her go and she will return after she learns her lessons

  I think in this situation they may be right Mario. For a child in their teens the grass is always greener on the other side. Give her some time with her in-laws and they will do a very good job of annoying her to then point where she chooses to leave them. Hopefully by then you will have rebuilt your life and the two of you will really benefit. It's short term pain for long term gain. Take care of yourself Mario and blow off some steam at the gym every so often. No man should have to go through what you have but you are a survivor and an inspiration to most of us here at JWD.
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  bem

  ...Remembering how head strong and determined I was as a teen....and you have said Marina is mature for her age. Letting her go sounds like the wise thing for you to do. (((((Mario)))) Dear you have suffered enough. Keeping her will be a constant battle I'm afraid and when could you heal, if in constant turmoil? Knowing this is such an important decision I am only reminding you, she will be cared for true? daily things and necessities? She will thrive. where if you forced her to stay she will possibly and probably be angry and resentful. Not a good choice for either of you.

  Be well Mario LIVESTRONG

  Your friend Dorothy
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  Xandria

  Mario:

  I know you have been through HELL and feel like there is not an end in sight. I have spoken to my husband and a few other people who have a higher background than I. My husband worked for the longest time in the field with abused children. His mother worked in the health field and there is a award of excellence in her name. Her specialty was dealing with families. Mental Health and so on. I have asked a few of her colleagues who specialize in behavior modification, mental health, etc, about options.

  She needs to come to terms with the truth. You may have to force her to face the facts. By protecting her from consequences, it is enabling her to manipulate the situation. Immediate interactions with her mother so soon, after all this. Is not healthy at this time and point. She is still struggling with responsibility.

  There is a lack of connection to the consequences of Marina's actions, her mother's actions, that concerns me. That she is so determined to have her way, which she is willing to go to extremes, is a red flag.

  There is a strong need to have a structured environment and I doubt that ?s Grandparents are going to be able to give it to her. I am very disappointed that the therapists are allowing this manipulation to occur. It is her way of trying to control the out come.

  I am sorry to say this to you Mario. But, perhaps neither family should have her at this time and point. Until some transition counseling happens and/or some time away from the influences she has occurs.

  When parents feel that they are at a Crossroads with their child and the family's future. Things are NOT getting better. School issues, beginnings of legal problems, choices being made with unacceptable possible outcomes, disrespect, lies, and physical altercations are just some of the issues that are at hand. Consequences, punishment and counseling do not make a difference to your child. It is not going to help until she is ready to change and get help. But allowing her to stay in an environment that enables this behavior isn?t an option. Because it will keep her in this cycle of thinking and denial. I am not going to promise you miracles. This will take time and work, it is something that is going to be painful. Healing, at times is a painful process.

  You cannot "Fix" the problem yourself but the chaos brought into the home cannot continue. The child's behaviors are affecting the whole family dynamic and tearing the very framework that you have worked so hard to create.

  Parents have choices:

  INTERVENE by removing the child from the situation into a structured behavioral program or specialty school. Usually the most successful option. Long-term treatment allows for the internalization of the changes in attitude and behavior.

  Let the child experience life and ride out the situations at hand - hope he or she survives with out major bodily harm or lifetime emotional scars. The child may fly through adolescence and one day just make a life changing decision to make better choices. Or he/she may not make it to that point without irreversible consequences.

  Get therapy and family counseling - see how that goes, wait and see. Possible short term mental health treatment. This option is usually not long enough to make any long lasting changes in the child?s attitude or behaviors. The child manipulates the professionals and it becomes an expensive "Dance of Perception" between the therapist and the child.

  Some of the recommendations I got:

  http://www.teenranch.org

  http://www.helpmyteen.com

  http://teens-in-crisis.com

  http://www.teenlifelines.com/index.html?src=OT&kw=Troubled+Teens

  You want one that will integrate family counseling along with the program. Where parents and family are involved in healing. It will be a way that both sides can be involved and a good therapist will not put up with any B.S!

  X.
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  Shakita

  Hi Mario,

  You wrote:

  Thus, the DCYF agency, the therapists, the investigators and police have all been informed that Marina desires that I complete the necessary guardianship/custody documents in court so that she can officially live with the in-laws.
  
  At first, DCYF informed me that I am still her biological father, legal guardian and I can legally prevent her from associating with the in-laws. However, in the best interest of Marina, in the interest of avoiding potential problems and expensive adoption/custody battles with the ex-in-laws, I am going to accomodate her request.

  I wouldn't make any decisions until some time has passed. You are Marina's biological father and you have the right to decide what is going to happen in her life. I feel that the Fuller's are taking advantage of your overwhelming grief at this time to get their way and to snatch your daughter from you. They know that you are broke and are using that fact to their advantage. Isn't there someone or some agency that can help you with this problem without incurring major debts?

  Xandria made some excellent points and I am in agreement with her that intervention seems to be the best option at this point. Marina doesn't really know what is best for her at this time. Don't let the Fuller's pressure or the pressure from Marina sway you from the decision that you know to be best for your daughter.

  I will continue to keep you and your family in my thougts and prayers.

  Mr. Shakita
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  little1

  Mario-

  I think you are correct in saying that you have a right to a good life, also. Marina has her path, and if your finanaces are exhausted, and you are emotionally depleted, the struggle with her will just wear you out more. Knowing when to let go is wisdom. Marina may be gravitating to the JW side because they are blaming you and absolving her and Tonya from responsibility which, with what must be crushing guilt for her part in her little sister's death, must be just what she wants to hear. If she lives with you she will have to face her part in what happened, and she apparently isn't willing or able to do that yet. I hope that you will seek counseling and support for yourself to get through this time of grief. It's not wrong to try to save yourself. We can't make another person change, and Marina doesn't want to change right now. Hopefully when she matures she will come to grips with this situation and deal with it, but no one can know if that will happen. Xandria's suggestion of a neutral place for her to live that is neither with you nor with them is a good one I think, but if you can' t afford it and the state won't pay, it may not be an option.

  My heart goes out to you as you must feel that you haven't lost one daughter, but two. The pain must be excruciating. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. (((Mario)))

  Nancy
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  jgnat

  My condolences again, Mario. I agree with this assessment:

  I agree that you should insist that she attend formal counseling with a licensed therapist, not a body of elders, and that be one of the conditions of you signing over guardianship. Perhaps, at some point in the future when the magnitude of all that Tonya has done finally gets through to Marina, she will come back to you.

  Your daughter is chosing to remain in an unhealthy situation, and she is not mature enough to realize this. I do believe, if your daughter is restored to mental health, she will also be restored to you. Instead of signing over guardianship, could you instead agree that your daughter stay with the grandparents, they be deemed the foster parents, with the above conditions?
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  CC Ryder

  Hey Mario,

  I continue to be amazed at how sharp you stay mentally after suffering and going through all you have. I think the decision you made about Marina is the best. You thought heavily about it and reasoned with your heart soul and mind and came up with the best answer. I think of you alot and include you in my prayers daily. I am serious when I say I pray for you Mario. I've come to rely on prayer in my own life to help me go through my own situations, none of which come close to what you've endured.

  You are continuing to show you are a great father to your children by your reasoning over Marina's situation. You have her best interest at heart and are still protecting her by the decision you made.

  I pray for peace to return to your life Mario, and that God comforts you and cares for Marina while she is away from you at this time.

  Take care my friend.

  CC Ryder
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  Narkissos

  Dear Mario,

  Fwiw, when I was about 13 I was involved in a tough custody battle between my JW father and my non-JW mother. They had been divorced for some years, she held the custody, and my father and stepmother manipulated me into manipulating the deciders so that I eventually joined the JW side with a legal shift of custody. I hurt my mother a lot and hurt myself much more in the long run. But anything that could have been done at that time against what I thought was my "will" would have just reinforced it. My stepbrother's father, who was a victim of the same emotional blackmail, reacted more intelligently than my mother. He retained the custody but let his son live with his mother. A couple of years later he was back with his father, whereas I was stuck with the abusive JW family.

  Like everybody here I really admire your intelligence and strength in this situation. And like many others I would stress that you should insist that Marina receives psychological help by a professional of your choice, so that she may be able to sort it out later.

  Take care,

  Didier
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  Mulan

  Mario, this is your decision to make, and you have made it. I know it must be devastating to you, and I hope you stay in contact with her, and be sure you have visitation in the agreement.

  Teenagers can be mystifying, but as she gets older, she may realize her desire for more freedom.

  In the meantime, I wish you happiness and peace. I can't imagine going through what you have and having any sanity left. My heart goes out to you.
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  SheilaM

  Mario: I so agree with Xandria...PLEASE listen.