Ex-JW Mother attempts suicide with children and fails! My Family Tragedy

by Utopian Reformist 1241 Replies latest members private

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  hubert

  bttt
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  kls

  Mario
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  outnfree

  At the local ex-JW Meetup last night, a friend of mine was asking how things were going for Mario. And I had nothing to report except that his grief was still palpable and that his relationship with Marina was much improved.

  THANK YOU, bebu and hubert, for keeping tabs on Mario and keeping him in our thoughts with your BTTTs.

  (((((((Mario)))))))),

  I hope you had a wonderful, regenerative time with family in Italy. That the love of family and the beauty of the landscape and architecture healed your soul in ways unexpected. I wish you courage for the trials yet to come, and that you can feel, really feel, the love and good wishes of so many on this forum and off it who have heard of your tragedy and want so much for you to have peace.

  Love,

  Brenda
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  Utopian Reformist

  Dear Family:
  
  I returned home after three and one-half weeks of spending time with family, friends and new acquaintances. I must tell you that during that time, I displayed pictures of Talia, the funeral, old videos and relayed the situation in detail for any who willing to listen.
  
  I can't explain why, but, I never cried, not even once. I dreamed about Talia twice within the same afternoon while taking the daily siesta. I took almost 400 digital pictures and about one hour of video. My relatives did not really probe into details nor ask many questions. The biggest concern was having me over to visit and spend an evening with the families.
  
  Everyone asked why Marina did not join me and I had to explain her situation. She was missed by all. On one particular day, I visited a mall that we visited as a family back in 2000. As I entered the very same toy store that I had purchased toys for Talia and Marina, I became instantly and extremely sad. I visited a gelato bar that Talia loved within the same mall and it had the same effect.
  
  As I hugged and embraced relatives who knew Talia and had also embraced her years ago, I was overcome with grief and relief. Their shoulders became sanctuaries within which I rested my head, released my exasperations, relieved tensions, and found comfort and safety. I love my relatives so much more now than ever, if you can understand the meaning.
  
  I walked through my birthplace and those few unfortunates leftover in the village did not forget my Talia. In many places, her death notice was still affixed to the public walls. They did not forget me either, and to be remembered by so many septa/octo-genarians is an honor, to say the least.
  
  I was welcomed as if I had never left and was treated with remarkable kindness and hospitality. We enjoyed the simplest and purest things in quiet peace. Sometimes, no one would speak at all for hours. We all just sat and stared and relaxed until I was ready to open up again.
  
  I found a very warm blanket and pillow in Italy and Argentina. That may sound cliche, but to one who has spent the last three winters sleeping on a cold hardwood floor in New England, it is a blessing.
  
  I will never forget this trip. I see the faces more clearly now and hear the voices every day. I will see them again, for I fear I won't be able to live without them anymore.
  
  I realize how important it is that people like YOU, JWD family, actually exist in this world. It is those special people who without any pre-existing bonds or ties, who decide to attach themselves to others, particualrly others in need, and willingly become family, voluntarily creating the relative ties that bind humans together in relationships to create a unique sense of belonging, safety and security which makes one feel loved. THANK YOU FOREVER!
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  candidlynuts

  hugs mario..it sounds like it was a good healing experience for you and i'm so glad you were able to go. thanks for checking in , many of us here check often to see if you've posted and its wonderful to see a warm , healing post from you. its what we all wish for you.
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  Seeking Knowledge

  ((((Mario))))

  I watch from a distance, but I'm happy to hear that you are keeping your chin up and have a better outlook today. It's necessary to go thru what you have to deal with, but in the end, you'll find your happy thoughts of your precious daughters and they will continue to lift you up and keep you going. Glad to hear you had a wonderful trip

  SK
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  Big Tex

  (((Mario)))
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  cruzanheart

  Welcome home, Mario! I'm so glad you had such a wonderful, healing time with your family in Italy. It's a beautiful country and I know it was good to just get away for a while.

  You're still in everyone's thoughts and prayers, so thanks for letting us know how you are! Keep us posted on how you're doing. We care.

  Hugs,

  Nina
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  Utopian Reformist

  Dear Family:
  
  Thx for your comments and wonderful support. It's strange that I am still alive. I seem to function almost normally, as long as I am not thinking/missing Talia. Once a reminder triggers memories, then I begin to feel extremely guilty, suicidal, and lose any hope or reason for moving forward in life.
  
  When I am busy, things are semi-normal. I really don't like the idea of spending the rest of my life with a "mental shutdown/paralysis condition" that can be triggered at any time, and can be brief or last for hours or days on end. It is not a recipe for a normal typical lifestyle.
  
  I don't know how to resume like this without having to make many allowances for abnormal behavior. How will anyone ever accept me this way, other than family and friends?
  
  I have learned a lot over the last month. Without the support and pushing/carrying of my burdens by so many from everywhere, I would not be here today. It is still very very tough going. There are reminders everywhere of what once seemed to be a normal family life, and now all is gone and destroyed forever.
  
  The memories are many, but they fade and cannot be controlled with my hands, thus there is no sound, no touch, only a grey fading visual, like a poorly produced video. It hurts like HELL!
  
  I truly despise death and those who selfishly cause the end of any innocent life. The anger still burns.
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  Joyzabel

  (((Mario)))

  one day at a time.