I Think My Marriage Is Over...

by cognac 135 Replies latest jw friends

  • jgnat

    By the way, by introducing paradise, the WTS has inadvertently resurrected a problem offered by the Sadducees to Jesus:

    Matthew 22:23-33 That same day the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection, came to him with a question. 24 “Teacher,” they said, “Moses told us that if a man dies without having children, his brother must marry the widow and have children for him. 25 Now there were seven brothers among us. The first one married and died, and since he had no children, he left his wife to his brother. 26 The same thing happened to the second and third brother, right on down to the seventh. 27 Finally, the woman died. 28 Now then, at the resurrection, whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?”...

    Another way to get him to re-think the whole paradise scenario (since he is too dense to recognize that he doesn't qualify), is to ask him what he will do in paradise if he ends up with more than one wife?

  • minimus

    Men are never bright when they think with their loins first.

  • BluesBrother

    Cog...So sorry to hear your problems

    Minimus is right. The elders are taught to be well aware of those who plan a divorse and re marry, seekinng re instatement:

    Shepherding The Flock chapt 11 p119

    "Where there is evidence

    of conspiracy between individuals to put away

    their mates and marry each other, considerable time

    should elapse for them to prove their repentance and

    gain reinstatement. See w83 3/15 p. 29."

    If you have any contact with his elders...tell them quick ..They might even get pressure put on the other party

    Good Luck...

  • AGuest

    First of all, I MUST say I love where the "lingo" of this thread has gone, dear jgnat ("be practical, girl") and Wuz (your whole response)! Makes it all sound really... real... if you know what I'm sayin', nohmsayin'? And WONDERFUL advice, dear jgnat:

    (Women tend to negotiate the relationship while the guy negotiates financials

    This is SO true! Dear Cogn'... peace to you, as well, and while I'm sure no one here WANTS to see your relationship end, if it does you had better try to end "like a man", girl. Like dear Miz Josie (peace, chile'!), I would tell you not to worry about that [other] woman, any more - she doesn't owe you the same loyalty your husband does (although, just as another woman AND a JW she owes you SOME. But, no, you can't blame her... unless he's TRIED to run from her and she just won't stop HER pursuit... which isn't what it sounds like here).

    I don't believe in or agree with divorce "just because." But I wouldn't advise ANYONE to stay where THEY are not wanted. I certainly wouldn't. If my husband one day "decided" that he wanted/needed/was more attracted to someone else... my position would be "Don't let the door hit'cha!" Perhaps some women believes is better... easier... to stay where they're not really wanted for the sake of economics ("Sh*t, now I'll have to go to work!"). As bad as work can be, though, staying in a relationship where one member has already checked out... HAS to suck eggs worse! And what it can do to one's self esteem? I can't imagine! I can imagine what it can do to your daughters' (and even sons') self esteem, though.

    Me? I would confront him and ask what the hell does he want. If it's for me to be a JW I would have to say, "Nope, sorry, that's a deal-breaker." Sex with animals (or other people)? Nope, sorry, more deal-breakers. Illegal drugs? Mmmmmm... no. Too distruptive (and dangerous) in the long run. Everything else? Well, let's negotiate. Here's what *I* want/need. And go from there.

    And if we couldn't reach a deal... then finances (if there are any) would be my FIRST concern... because of the children I'd have to care for. Second to that would be his visitation rights (because, depending on the situtation, that's not ALWAYS a desirable thing. Depends.).

    Either way, you gotta approach this thing right: negotiate... and control the terms.

    As dear jgnat said... like a man, girl, like a man.

    Peace (all that you need, right now) to you... and may JAH bless!

    A slave of Christ,


  • GLTirebiter

    I see one piece of advice here that I would be wary of: installing a keylogger or other "spyware" on the computer. Get sound legal advice about the laws in your state befiore doing that, and also about whether the court is likely to look on it unfavorably even if it is within the letter of the law. Please don't do anything that could hurt you in the long run!

  • mamochan13

    Cognac - I know how it feels and my heart hurts for you. I cannot add much more to the great advice you've been given here, except to reinforce a few things.

    1. try a different counsellor until you find one that clicks

    2. keep a journal

    3. be practical regarding finances.

    4. start building yourself up to be strong and independent (as Qcmbr said)

    I was in charge of our money, so at the beginning of the year I paid off all his credit cards instead of mine. A month later he walked. I was stuck with the debts and no job. He had the big paycheque and was scot free. Being a single parent is not the end of the world, but I found the financial part was the worst. Not having money to feed your kids. Protect yourself and your kids.

    The above will help you, even if your marriage is salvageable.

    Personally I'd be hesitant about expending too much energy spying. While you need to keep a record for your own protection, you are better off moving forward.

  • PaintedToeNail

    cognac-I'm so very sorry you and your kids are going through this difficulty. I agree that getting your financial house in top shape RIGHT NOW is important, especially since your husband is proving to be untrustworthy and treacherous to your family. You need a clear head to plan for you and your kids futures. Try to put emotion aside, and protect yourself!!

  • Billy the Ex-Bethelite
    Billy the Ex-Bethelite

    Lots of good advice already. Just to reinforce the legal side as others have stated, save and document everything, particularly if you find that he spent money on her, or she spent money on him. Visit some lawyers with your evidence. Even if you don't divorce, it's good to know all your legal options. See a new counselor. You certainly have a lot to talk about. While a good counsellor won't tell you what to do, they can ask insightful questions that help you think through and make the best decision yourself, based on looking at things from different angles and considering different "what if..." proposals.

    As far as things from the JW point of view, most elders are as stupid as your husband. They reason that unless he's actually banged this "sister", he's not really done anything wrong. But in reality, all your evidence points to the fact that his course is 100% premeditated and he is scheming to get rid of his wife and family. This is evidence that he is 100% Grade Sh!t "Wicked". This is no instantaneous moment of temptation. He's plotting to end the marriage while you've been trying to keep it going. And it will help if you have proof of what you've done to try to save the marriage. And when push comes to shove, you don't have to play by their stupid "confidentiality" rules. Make it clear that their control via intimidation and forced secrecy is completely gone. Let them know that you've talked to a counsellor and some laywers and they were shocked that a supposedly religious JW ordained minister (as all baptized JWs are considered ordained ministers) would treat his wife and family like garbage while he plotted to marry some other JW woman. And if an elder is so stupid as to try to convince you that your husband hasn't really done anything wrong, ask him, "Can I quote you on that? Because I think your wife, your mother, and every sister in the congregation would be interested to find out that you believe that a man dating another sister behind his wife's back is okay!" And if an elder tries to tell you that if you'd try harder to be a better wife, maybe your husband would come back and love you more (in the fashion of their, "your husband will beat you less if your a better wife" advice), ask them, "Well, if that's the case, then I should start dating a boyfriend and then X should be a better husband so that I would come back and love him more, eh? Maybe this is good advice for the wives in the congregation to start chatting up younger brothers in order to motive their slack-jawed husbands to work a little harder, lose some of their flabby guts, and be better men to try to keep their wives faithful!"

    Even if you never say it, it's entertaining imagining the shocked reactions of the average idiot elder.

    Normally I'm not a big advocate of revenge. But I've had enough experience to know that if I'm not getting satisfaction, jamming red hot pokers up the as$holes of people I hate, seems to provide an interesting level of personal happification. And it sounds like your husband and his JW girlfriend don't deserve gentle treatment.

  • ruderedhead

    Love Billy's suggestions on how to respond to elders possible stupid advice! i.e., if they say he hasn't done anything wrong, letting the women in his family know he feels on these matters, and also the try harder to be a better wife crap! Intelligent and well thought out responses. My first response would be to punch that fool elder in the nuts! That would be very bad, but I tend to be a knee jerk reaction type of person. Billy is a wise man! If it gets to that point, hope cognac takes Bill's words and uses them. Might make some elder think about how foolish his advice sounds!

  • jamiebowers

    Here's what I know about you and your husband:

    You allowed me to look at some photos during a private conversation we had a while ago. You are much better looking than he is.

    From previous public posts of yours, you've complained that your husband isn't as financially successful as you are and that he expects you to work and do all of the house work. You know the TTATT, while he refuses to use logic about his fairytale "new system". Now he's sneaking around talking, (and GAWD knows what else), with some desperate jw floozy.

    Sorry dear, but IMO, you two are unevenly yoked. You're too good for him. You're not happy in this marriage and with good reason! Document his disloyalty in case the elders give you any shit, and file for divorce. He's using you to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan while waiting for somebody better to come along. He'll have a long wait, but that's okay, because he's used to waiting for paradise, LOL!

    I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I have to call it like I see it. You're a beautiful, intelligent, successful young woman! Go out and live a life that makes you happy. In doing so, you'll guarantee that your daughters will grow up to be independent who take no shit from anyone. And they can still have their father in their lives. Slackers like him generally are better "weekend" rather than full time fathers anyway.

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