I Think My Marriage Is Over...

by cognac 135 Replies latest jw friends

  • clarity


    Breaking up or divorce is a hard thing to get through... but many

    on here have made it and are happy today. Hope that is a bit



    Your life will change ...so start now to change some of your

    everyday patterns... if you normally eat cereal in the mornings,

    have eggs on toast instead. Move your table to a sunny window,

    even if that is in a different room!

    If he always makes the coffee ...buy an automatic pot with a timer,

    so that you will be in chg of it.


    It is the old ......if you always put your right shoe on first...switch

    to the left. Shake yourself up now ...so you'll be more flexible later!


    All the best to you, I know you have a lot of hard work,

    and worry about the children


  • Qcmbr

    Do you want this marriage to work? Imagine the scenario with no kids. Do you still want to be with him? Are you good for each other? Do you make each other happy? Even with all the niggles or annoyances does your relationship work? Are you sacrificing who you both want to be for the sake of the marriage? After you've made up your mind on these issues and come to either a painful or happy conclusion then you could consider these two scenarios:

    1 - Marriage still worth it. Start fighting. Contact the other woman and warn her off. Tell her you have access to her communications. *Find out who she is ( is she married) etc. get leverage and get ready to fight dirty if she won't sod off. Start that gym routine , cut back on eating crap, throw away your naff clothes and buy new nice ones each payday ( one at a time), stop watching tv, start cooking adventurous food, organise friends to come over, plan nights out to places you've not been ( crock pot picnics, star gazing, local college sports events and so on) , smarten up the house one item a day ( paint a door frame, put up a framed pic, dejunk a cupboard) and if you can - and haven't got one - get an interesting job either by volunteering or applying with cvs for all sorts of stuff you'd never considered*. Do this and IF your marriage is salvageable ( ie he is just fooling around for adrenaline kicks ) you will have got yourself into a good place to talk about it. In short make yourself the better you ,for your own sake ,and the side effect will be a better two.

    2 - Marriage failed a while ago and is not satisfying. Plan the painful withdrawal, financial advice sessions, consult legal experts, proceed from there. Work out what you want and what you can live without before the emotions get too intense. Where to live, how to budget, what child support to get, what debts to trade / offload and so on. If the marriage is over you no longer need to sacrifice yourself for him. Go back to the starred section in 1 and get started. Being a single parent is a personal war with amazing prizes for success but high costs whether you decide to win or surrender. How will you cope mentally? Are you a fighter ? Do you avoid stressful situations and does the thought of doing this make you feel queasy and powerless? If so plan a long game and don't rush to divorce ( ie get a support structure of friends, a job, a little bit of money in place). If however, you never go down for the full count of ten then you may wish to go faster.

    Whichever you choose know that the kids will survive and as long as you don't self destruct ( either within a soul sucking sham of a marriage or in some singleton emotionally spent victim state) then they will thrive. Document everything you can , be official about it, send it to a private online Dropbox account or to a private email account. Scans, copies, receipts everything. If your marriage is sound and saved burn / erase in a few years otherwise save for the financial side of splitting up. Kids just need to know its not their fault and that you aren't going to leave them. Alcoholism, drug taking, over eating, excessive tv watching are all forms of escapism that can 'leave' family members behind - if you are at risk of any of this put a plan together to handle it.

    If it does break up, don't limit access , don't bad mouth, don't hide all the tears and be truthful without point scoring with the kids. Accept his right to determine his own life and ultimately live with someone else. Do this and you'll go a long way to accepting your own right to choose.

    Best of luck in this shitty situation.

  • Mickey mouse
    Mickey mouse

    (((Cognac))), your husband is a fool. Adulterers won't inherit the Kingdom either according to the Bible.

    Do you think he wanted you to know that he was messaging this girl? It's cowardly but I've known JWs who have done this sort of thing in the hope that their partner will go out and give them grounds for a 'scriptural divorce'. Of course, if you think the marriage is over then divorce him and leave him in the no man's land of an 'unscriptural divorce'.

    It seemed as though he came so close to seeing TTATT, what happened to draw him back in?

  • Amelia Ashton
    Amelia Ashton

    Adulterers won't inherit the Kingdom either according to the Bible.

    That is exactly what I was going to put.

    On a practical note from some-one who was a single parent for many years. You need money and as much as you can start secretly stashing away, starting right now. (((hugs)))

  • Tameria2001

    Hello Cognac, I’m sorry to hear that your husband is being an idiot. But if his reason for leaving you for another woman, and abandoning his family, he will be sadly mistaken on his time of judgment. Even in the JW world he will be disfellowshipped if he does that. I would suggest you to talk to the elders from his congregation, and make sure you have proof; the other woman will also be in trouble as well.

  • wasblind

    Mickey Mouse

    I bet my last dollar, if all else fail, and he's forced into an unscripural divorce

    he'll be wit' that other woman anyway

    What will that mean ??? He was blamin' his wife for the things he was bound to do

    his wife bein' away from Hall ain't got nothin' to do wit' that.

    He's usin' religion as an excuse to cover dirty work, it ain't the first time. won't be the last


  • Amelia Ashton
    Amelia Ashton

    And make sure you are never alone with another man in your house or he may try and say you are the adulterer and not him.

  • Lozhasleft

    I'm so sorry to hear this Cognac. I think he's making excuses about the paradise issue to give himself a licence to be adulterous. They're not the actions of a grieving loved one who would be trying to win you back with love and patience. I too think you should consider reporting him, why should the blame for his behaviour fall on you? There's good advice here to document everything and take steps to protect yourself including financially. This man doesn't deserve your love, and in time I hope someone will come along for you who does. It's happened for many of us, so please don't give up hope. Make efforts to find peace and safety for you and your children first, while you heal from this betrayal. Hugs.

    Loz x

  • blondie

    He can't remarry unless he can prove you have committed adultery to the elders satisfication.

  • cognac

    Thank you everyone for your support. He thinks he'll get in the new system. He'll just get d'ffed and reinstated, then voila.... He's back in...

    I don't no if I want to try to save this marriage or not. I already flipped out on this girl the first time and even got her brother involved so she would back off. The profile pic on my husbands FB account is of us and there are tons of pics of me and the kids on it. Apparently, she couldn't care less... And I don't know what my husband is thinking...

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