I Think My Marriage Is Over...

by cognac 135 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Anony Mous

  @cognac. Your kids will survive regardless of what configuration you choose to live your life in. The "parent must be there" construct is entirely and scientifically invalid. Yes, it will be easier to have a mate and children should have an equal relationship with both parents as with other people but that doesn't mean you HAVE to live together.

  If you can make it without having a big custody battle, that would be the best, custody battles only hurts the children and all cases - in some cases it also hits the father financially but a loving father will do anything for his children.

  Try to come to a (written) agreement and submit it to the court without much of a fight but do think of everything they'll need in the next 20 years and most likely you'll be off in no time with someone else and your children won't notice much. A good agreement will have equal parenting time, equal financial shares, equal decision making (although you should leave room there for the dangerous JW viewpoints to be overridden by doctors) etc.

  If either you is combative, that is the thing that will do the most damage to the child both in the short and long term.
• 

  AGuest

  It sounds like your husband does not respect you at all

  Based on dear Cogn's information about having to push him and him not having enough hutzpah to push himself... it sounds like he doesn't respect himself, dear Mr. Flip (peace to you, dear Mrs. Flip... and you, too, dear Cognac!). And a man who doesn't respect himself can't very well respect his wife, can he? I mean, he's supposed to love his wife AS his flesh... so he's only showing her the disregard he has for himself. Based on what dear C has shared, he realizes he's a screwup and only takes the initiative if she forces him to. While there are many men who aren't necessarily motivated unless the wife screams and yells () this doesn't usually work out the way the wife needs it to. Like kids... such men tend to respond as kids: reluctantly and with a measure of resentment, which resentment they use to justify their further bad behavior ("It's all HER fault I'm a loser!"). Men who are more honest with themselves usually admit that they are the man they are BECAUSE of what the wife has "made" them.

  I remember someone asking Ruby Dee how she got Ossie (David, her husband of about 50 years) to be so dedicated, etc. "You MAKE the sucka!" she replied. And this works for some men. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for all... and it seems like dear C might have one of those for whom it doesn't work. But... is she SURE?

  Are we all SO sure this can't be a win-win situation... that things are beyond salvaging? I mean, maybe it is. But she'll never know if she doesn't ask HIM. And yeah, he just might be a total putz... but she won't know THAT... until she asks him what [he thinks] HE'S missing in the relationship. If he comes up with bull-pucky, well, then, she'll know. If he comes up with, "Well, you always treat me like a little kid; you never let me be a man"... that might be negotiable ("Okay, get up off YOUR *ss, and SHOW me that you are... without ME having to tell you what to do all the dang time!"). Or something like that.

  I don't get that dear C is "done"... or even wants to be. So why steer her in the direction without considering any possible alternatives. Some of us would absolutely NOT tolerate "cheating." But some folks do and have... and have forgiven... once they learned some of the facts involved. Not saying there are any VALID facts/excuses, but some folks forgive even when there aren't. I think dear C has received some WONDERFUL advice here... IF she IS ready to make a break.

  If she's not, though... and only she can make that decision... looking at how she might STAY, if that's truly what she wants (for now or even indefinitely)... should be considered, too.

  Just my $.02, for whatever that's worth (not much, because I could not tolerate it; again, you don't want me? I surely don't want you!).

  Peace to you all!

  A slave of Christ,

  SA, who's only thinking about all of the posts from husbands on here that have admitted to pseuso-cheating because of how [they felt] they were being treated by their wives. NO excuse for cheating, IMHO... but whether such should be forgiven and the marriage worked out is between... and a decision to be made BY... the folks IN the marriage.
• 

  cognac

  A guest- thank you so much for your post. I remember the 1st time I thought it was in my husbands best interests to push him. I sensed that he felt like a loser and people disrespected and took advantage of both him and his family. It pissed me off. I immediately did something about it and watched him smile in pride as he took full credit for what I really made happen. It hurt a bit, but, I shrugged it off to him being caught up in a moment where someone really respected him. That was what started this path.

  I have asked him what he's missing in the relationship. He says he doesn't like any arguing or drama. So, I was very careful not to argue. But, it's like he gets bored and starts arguing when I don't in a very strong way. Not in a mean way, but more of a banter. And then in the next breath says how he loves bantering with me. Gives him some sort of chase. He just confuses me and says differing things so I never no what to do...
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Cognac, sorry to hear your troubles.

  It is a big decision facing you. I don't know you well enough to suggest one course or the other. I will say three things.

  1. My wife and I have complete trust in each other's faithfulness. Along with complete trust comes complete unforgiveness for violating that trust.

  2. You do have the option to stay together and send another message to your children- that you did this for their financial and emotional benefit, but you will still take no crap from him. If someone decides to go that way, serious changes must take place and the "innocent" party should feel free to start dictating terms for staying together.

  3. I imagine he wouldn't accept those terms as he might be wanting to wreck his marriage.
• 

  MrFreeze

  Really just a bummer situation. Really a lose/lose situation. Screw this stupid religion.
• 

  AGuest

  it's like he gets bored and starts arguing when I don't in a very strong way. Not in a mean way, but more of a banter. And then in the next breath says how he loves bantering with me. Gives him some sort of chase.

  I might be wrong here, dear Cogn (again, peace to you!)... but perhaps this was HIS indoctrination to "marriage." When we got toward the end of the relationship my ex used to start arguments with me (took me FOREVER to realize he was doing that!) because (1) he needed an excuse to justify running out (to do drugs - ) AND because (I realize way too late in the relationship) that this was a man who didn't KNOW happiness... peace! HOW to be happy/peaceful. Not in reality (he could present the facade and did for years but the truth was that he had never really experienced it in HIS life before me (his parents had a tumultuous relationship and so when he went the drug route, he reverted to what he knew). And so the tumult was more "comfortable" for him... more familiar... and gave him the excuse he needed to run out! In such instances, he did misery JUST fine! But HAPPY? Uh-uh, the man had no clue. Unfortunately, no amount of counseling that I paid for... and I paid for a LOT... changed that. It was during counseling that I learned that his "happiness" WAS a facade (and he had me fooled for a good 8 years!).

  He just confuses me and says differing things so I never no what to do...

  Well, this could be due to one of several things, dear one, including (but not necessarily limited to):

  1. HE doesn't know what HE wants/needs;

  2. He doesn't know how to articulate what he wants/needs;

  3. He's a product of HIS upbringing (perhaps by a similar countenanced man);

  4. You're "from Venus"; he's "from Mars" (i.e., the two of you really just don't understand one another).

  The ONLY way I know of to deal successfully with any of THESE are either (1) both put Christ (or whatever their mutual beliefs/paradigms) first, then one another, then the children; or (2) good professional counseling. And I emphasis the "good" (there are a whole lot of folks out there telling others what to do but having no practical knowledge themselves. Hence, due diligence is a MUST). The first [almost] always works, depending on the [level of] belief/paradigm and mutuality between the two... and genuine desire to resolve the issues and save the marriage.

  The second... well, depends. Both would have to go and (as with the first) both would have to be sincere about resolving the issues lending to the problems (meaning those issues specific to the individual, as well as those of the marriage)... and not just going to put on appearances and/or bide time (for example, while waiting for a more "opportune" time to end the relationship).

  Like some here, I too have a failed marriage under my belt, dear Cogn... and so I can understand where you are: you don't WANT your marriage to end. And so, if it doesn't HAVE to... then why end it? But... it may also have to - mine certainly did and I have absolutely NO regrets! But I am not you; you are not me. So only YOU know whether it must or musn't. Because only you know what you can... and will... take or not. Only YOU know when you are TRULY "done."

  So, another $0.02 from me, if you will.

  Again, peace... much... and much strength to you while you work this out!

  A slave of Christ,

  SA
• 

  Retrovirus

  Cognac, just read the other thread. I too wanted to stay with my ex - for the children. And because a broken marriage would make me a loser. These were not good reasons.

  My life has improved steadily from that low. I'm still working, financially secure (not the case in the marriage), my children are happy and healthy adults. I'm in a good and balanced long-term relationship.

  Best of all I've more self confidence than I ever had before!

  Wish you all the best, just don't give him too much undeserved power.

  Retro
• 

  jwfacts

  Your husband is a hypocrite. What makes him think he will get into the New System anyway, if he is flirting with other women whilst he is married? He will be pushing you to admit adultery at some stage so he can remarry, or have to get disfellowshipped himself and hope to be reinstated before Armageddon. Does he think Jehovah cannot read his conniving heart.

  I have step children and they have turned out to be wonderful adults now. They did not mind being part of a broken family, particularly as the father proved himself to be a arsehole to them over time.
• 

  soft+gentle

  cognac I am so sorry about this.

  has your husband meditated on the scripture that says his unbelieving household are sanctified by his faith and that nothing is impossible for the holy spirit?
• 

  jgnat

  A few thoughts.

  • You have the power position in this relationship. He's willingly given it up.
  • Some people never figure out the big rewards in life like hard work and integrity. You can't figure it out for them.
  • There's something wrong in your relationship but you won't figure it out by asking him. He hasn't a clue.
  • A great motivational coach (he was a real-life coach) taught that self-esteem comes from integrity. Integrity comes from making good choices. This coach taught his young men this by making them write home to their mothers. Becoming a winning team was a by-product of living with integrity. Again, you can't make anyone live with integrity.
  • He's bored and he's picking bad ways to alleviate his boredom. This is not your fault.
  • You see the consequences of his inaction and bad choices, and are trying to wake him up to the consequences.

  I say he won't wake up until it is too late. IMO, he's already trashed your relationship beyond repair.