Thanks to everyone that wrote and PMed me. I am in a confused and emotional state as you might imagine. I'm trying to work trough these things in my head. We had a long talk last night, where I mostly blubbered like a little girl and told her how much she hurt me. She broke up with her boyfriend (my words not hers) last night, which sounds like there is some old timey joke in there.
"How's your day been?"
"Well my wife broke up with her boyfriend, so I guess I'm having a good night. My morning wasn't too good though."
One of them won't be working at that job for long, I don't know which one it is though. If she has to find a different job, that's going to put us in alot of financial hardships, she earns a good salary and I doubt she'll find a job that pays anywhere close to what she makes now.
I don't know if she went to the elders or not, and frankly I don't care. Everybody already thinks I'm the bad guy, this isn't going to change anything. And she already knows it wasn't my fault. I kept asking her what I could've done differently, what was it I wasn't giving her. She said nothing, that I didn't do anything wrong, and she was just stupid. I asked why she did it and she said she didn't have a good reason. I told her I didn't expect her to have a good reason, but there has to be a reason. She didn't know. That doesn't feel good enough for me. Is it wrong or unhealthy for me to want to know why this happened? Is this something I should pursue when we are talking to each other? I know I don't need more gritty details on exactly what they did or didn't do, but what about the reason? Is that healthy for me to pursue?
Emotionally I'm in a bad place. I feel like I just realized that the first 27 years of my life have been a catastrophic and embarrassing failure. I was a witness Until I was 23ish. I'm uneducated but trying, I have no friends or family, I work a crappy retail job for little money, I couldn't leave my wife if I wanted to. I would end up in a halfway house living off foodstamps. When I was a teenager me, and another witness guy my age used to have a small bit of rivalry over a girl. We were both considered the "smart ones." He got the girl, and he's a medical doctor now. I have a wife that cheated on me, and I fall asleep crying into my retail uniform. Up until yesterday I felt good about my life. Now I just realized how pathetic it really is.
I'm obviously mad at my wife, but there is a sick part of me that is jealous of her. We both grew up witnesses, we got married young. She's the only girl I ever dated, the only girl I've ever kissed. She will always have memories of that exciting and spicy love affair she had with that guy at work. I'll never know that excitement. I don't want to cheat on my wife, it's not even a temptation. I'm surrounded by attractive college girls that are going through the loose stage of their life, I'm friends with them, but not once have I even considered so much as flirting with any of them. But now she has this other romantic relationship, that while she may regret it, in the back of her mind she will always have enjoyed it. I'll never have that exciting exprerience. This thought makes me just as angry as anything. Is this wrong?
I don't know what to do. I'm just afraid of what I don't know, and if I would even want to know if there was more to the story. I'm afraid it's not over. She has feelings for him. That disgusts, angers and terrifies me. I just don't know.
For those that pretty much told me to man up and go with my gut, my gut is full of bile and shit, why the hell would I follow it's directions? There may not be a "right" way to handle things from here, but there sure as hell are alot of wrong ways. I'm going to ask for advice, and consider it.
Thanks again guys (and gals) for being there for me when no one else is.
