So my JW wife cheated on me. Need some help or at least a sympathetic ear.

by JonathanH 147 Replies latest jw friends

  • NewChapter

    Maybe set aside the term "cheated" since this can be defined so subjectively. Focus on what actually happened. She betrayed your trust. Then there is no argument over whether this consititutes "cheating" or not. She betrayed you, and there is no argument there. But she did come to you. She stopped. She did. But she also planned and wasn't caught off guard. Still . . .it sounds like you love her and she came to you.

    Will it happen again? Let it play out. Protect your heart and let it play out. You don't have to make any decisions today. You don't. If she chooses to pull away from you, you really cannot stop her. But if she has woke up with deep regret, and wants to return to you, and you want to accept that, then you owe yourself the effort.

    She may never regain your unquestioned trust again. She lied to you. It can't be undone, but maybe it can be healed. Be gentle with yourself. You get to freak out. You get to be unsure. You get to be undecided. Take your time and keep us posted. I'm so sorry this happened. I'm so sorry this part of your world has been shattered. There will be more emotions to come, and they will unfold at odd and unpredictable times. This is your right, and she needs to be patient with your emotions. She doesn't get to give you a deadline. And don't take the blame. Adjust where you feel it is legitimate, but don't take the blame.


  • NewChapter

    and oforgoodness sakes---KEEP THE ELDERS OUT OF THIS. Pleeeeezzzzzeeee! That is the only advice I would ever directly give.

  • JonathanH

    Thank you all. Keep it coming. I am in a bad way.

  • leavingwt

    "I have neither friends nor family to turn to."

    Please begin making friends. It's not necessarily easy, but it can be done and there are plenty of genuinely wonderful people everywhere.

    If you don't have any friends, does this also mean that you and your wife do not go and do things socially with other couples/friends?

  • Scully

    Yes, she cheated. She became emotionally involved with someone other than you.

    You wrote:

    she felt like our marriage just wasn't as passionate as it could be, she wanted more sex, but it wasn't my fault, that I am a great lover and she knows I've been working full time and going to school full time and still paying all our bills and managing our house. But she went.


    we do actually have a happy marriage, I don't know exactly why she did this. We are sexually active and the sex is good, I am exceedingly attentive to her day and night. I treat her like a princess. I write lovey notes in her lunch box sometimes. In English 101 in college this past semester, we had to write an essay on our idea of paradise and mine was just three pages of talking about laying in bed with my wife (It got an A if that matters.) She hung that essay up on the refrigerator. We go on dates and to the movies, even when I am ridiculously busy. We had been on a nice date just the night before.

    It seems to me that you both have a very different perception of your relationship. Maybe your communication between yourselves needs to improve so you can both feel that your needs are being met. Probably you have been busy with working and school and despite your perception of attentiveness toward her, her perception is that it isn't what she needs. Maybe she is bored with a perceived lack of attention. Maybe your previous level of attention "spoiled" her and she is acting out in an effort to get attention.

    I agree that counselling is imperative. If she says it is "over" with the other guy, she needs to prove it. At the very least, she needs to transfer to a different department within the company she works for so she does not have to deal with the other guy, and if that's not possible, she needs to get another job ASAP. The other thing she needs to address is her naïveté and how she was able to so easily fall for the guy-going-through-a-terrible-divorce-just-looking-for-someone-to-talk-to crap. That is so cliché that it's silly. The first time that guy paid obvious and "awkward" attention to her should have been the LAST time. You didn't mention how long that had been going on prior to it leading up to her going to his place, gussied up in fancy underwear, but there was encouragement on her part and definitely no discouragement from her, or it never would have gone that far. When you don't like that kind of attention from a man in a workplace situation, it's very simple to say "Knock it off, I don't appreciate you doing that" and then file a complaint for sexual harassment if it continues. When you don't want that kind of attention in the workplace, you don't ramp things up by wearing special underwear or respond positively to the attention or agreeing to spend time beyond your work duties with the person who is paying you that kind of attention.

    Maybe you need to ask her if she wants out of the marriage, or wants out of the JWs, or both and was using this as a means to an end. It wouldn't be unheard of for someone to do that, even within the JWs. She cheats, gets DFd (although no intercourse may only get her Reproved™), gets Scripturally Divorced™, eventually gets Reinstated™, and is free to remarry. I've heard of cases where a couple goes to the Elders™, one confesses to Adultery™ so they can get a Scriptural Divorce™, the confessor gets DFd (the one with the least to lose socially), and then the other fades because of "depression" or "stress". Both then can pursue new relationships with non-JWs.

    You know your wife better than we do, so you'd probably have a better handle on her motivations and any underlying desires to leave the JWs. Even if you think you have answers from her, you owe it to yourselves to get some counselling so that you both have all your cards on the table in order to make a fresh start if that is what you both want.

  • Magwitch

    Jonathan, I am so very sorry!!!

    I would insist your wife find new employment if she wants the marriage to work.

    I've been working full time and going to school full time
    I am sure your wife is very lonely (not making excuses for her though)
  • caliber

    It is emotional adultery... betrayal of shared love and trust. Emotional adultery can be worse than a one night stand

    because it involves the heart and mind over a time frame . A new love relationship is beginning to form .

    So sorry to hear this but these are the facts

  • Bella15

    Sorry --- saying she was "unfaithful" is kind of too nice ... SHE CHEATED PERIOD!!! As far as your perception of having a happy marriage and great sex, let me tell you I am divorce and my ex thought exactly the same of us ... it was HELL for me ... sometimes two people can live together but operate in different worlds in their minds ... she obviously is looking for something ...

    "But that's as far as it went she assured me" So in her book, if there was no penetration there is no cheating/adultery I guess. Saying Sorry doesn't make things right for you ... be careful how you proceed and let her know that you will try to work things out but you don't know how you may feel later on ...

    Remember that JWs make everything right by confessing or praying about and then they go straight to sinning thinking that Jehovah "undestands"

  • Knowsnothing

    There was 1.) making out and 2.) touching of breasts.

    How do I define infidelity? If you were physically there, would it make you uncomfortable? I think you know the answer.

    I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, but certainly talk it out. Obviously forego the elders. You two can resolve this.

    I also mirror the advice given by other posters, she needs to find a new job, stat! And if your busy working, she needs to find a decent hobby.

    Is she an uber witness? Doesn't sound like it from what I see you posted.

  • truth_b_known

    If you did what he did to you wife to another woman would she want you back?

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