So my JW wife cheated on me. Need some help or at least a sympathetic ear.

by JonathanH 147 Replies latest jw friends

  • NewChapter

    I heard once that a broken bone, when properly treated, will heal stronger than the original bone. I don't know if it's true, but I took it as an analogy to relationships. Ever notice, that sometimes after a fight, when both parties pull together, the relationship is stronger? Not everytime, but I think it gives hope that healing can take place. It's a distance from here to there, but it can happen. Just thought I'd add that. How it plays out is yet to be seen.


  • sabastious
    1.When I asked her "Did you cheat on me?" she said "no", she didn't argue the point or anything, the conversation wasn't exactly organized, but I get the feeling she doesn't think that was she did constitutes cheating. Be honest with me, reading what she did above, does that constitute cheating? Or does there have to be actual genital manipulation for it to be cheating? If it's not cheating what the hell was that?

    Oh my God, friend, I am very sorry this happened to you. You are the one that defines what is cheating or not in this situation not her. All I can say is hang in there, bud.


  • Londo111

    She cheated, but at the very least, she confessed about the matter. Of course, like many said above, things might have went further than she is willing to say. She might not be willing to come to terms with what she has done.

    As David Eagleman said in Incognito, the brain is like a democracy with many competing factions, not a monarchy with a single Will running it. Some of these factions in your wife's brain love you. Some of these factions crave the high she gets from the romantic attachment with her coworker. That high is like a drug, and just like a drug addict with the best of intentions, you can't trust her, because she can't trust herself right now. Addicts will lie and scheme and yet hate themselves for doing so. The question is, which internal faction within her will win in the long run?

    To be honest, even happily married people get crushes on thier coworkers, because it is a place where males and females mix on a regular basis. Of course, having a crush is one thing, acting on it is another. Eventually the feelings must get your wife to see that it's not worth risking what you've built together, for feelings that will not be there in a year or two.

    But keep your eyes and ears open! You might need to verify everything she says until trust is rebuilt. My ex-wife cheated on me, but she was very dishonest about it. She said she was leaving...and it was only when I did some digging, that I found the first piece of evidence. Of course, she denied it and after a little more digging, I finally got at the full truth. Just weeks after she divorced me, she told me her feelings had changed.

  • Georgiegirl

    Former or current elders correct me if I'm wrong, but what you describe is at least enough to constitute "loose conduct". I THINK the new direction is that can be enough to sever the marital bond. If that is the case, and she meets with the elders, they will be advised that she can no longer be alone with you until you decide if you choose to forgive her. Once you two have sex, the marital bond is re-established and there can be no "scriptural" divorce. Once they lay it all out for her, in black and white, you might have an even bigger mess on your hands. Be prepared.

  • Londo111

    If you can somehow talk her out of going to the elders and confessing. The last thing she needs is the added stress of a judical committee. Of course, she is probably conditioned to come forward and you might not be able to talk her out of it.

  • Found Sheep
    Found Sheep

    Good point Georgiegirl!

    You may want to figure out if you forgive before she spills it and if you do - well..... show her

    You don't believe all the stupid rules but she does

    Sounds like she just wants to get it all overwith. If you tell her that most important issue is your mariage and you would feel better if YOU TWO worked it out first she may give it some time before she goes to them.... Plus tell her this makes YOU spiritualy free and wouldn't it be better for her if that was resolved before she tells them... I don't know just a thought

  • talesin

    Dear Johnathon,

    I am so sorry this has happened to you. To be honest, I could not finish reading your story,,, it was to sad! My heart is with you, and I don't have much to say, haven't read the full account.

    Sending much love ...


  • stuckinlimbo

    I have sent you a pm JonothanH

  • NomadSoul

    Oh wow, that sucks. I feel for you. Brought back memories. Anger, resentment, guilt, confusion, and more anger!

    We weren't married, but it sure felt like we were. She was my first serious relationship, it even survived High School and a couple of years after that. So it did felt like it was divorce. Same thing happened. The difference is she didn't confess to it. I kind of put everything together. The "gir's night out" and the mysterious phone calls. Lot of things run through your head. This is just me but I couldn't believe that "Making out" was the only thing it happened. I tried to make it work out but I couldn't get over it.

    Hard to give advice on this matter, everyone and every situation is different.

    Just wanted to say that I know how you feel. I couldn't sleep for days.

    Hope it works out at the end.

  • DesirousOfChange

    She is going to tell them herself tonight to get whatever punishment they mete out, but there is no way they will be involved in our marriage.

    Several already said it, but going to the elders will just muck up the waters even more. Yes, it is "loose conduct" as someone already mentioned, but does not constitute "pornia", thus I do not think it qualifies as grounds for scriptural divorce. If you both agree to work things out, she would likely receive "private" reproof. If it appears to be leaning to a breakup, then probably "public" reproof. Read her Psalms 32:5 where King David said he confessed his sin to Jehovah [not the priests]. Read the section in the Reasoning Book about "Confession". From that she can conclude that she need not speak with the elders [if there is any chance that she can be convinced]. I would also stress that YOU do not want THOSE MEN knowing YOUR private life, and as Family Head, since there was NO "pornia", she is NOT to reveal confidential information about your personal life to those outside your family.

    Did she cheat? Damn right! She cheated with her heart even if not with her [genitals]. With a woman, her heart is always involved first. A man can get drunk, get propositioned, unzip & whip it out for a quickie, and walk away without his heart ever being involved in it all. [Men are all @$$holes.] Not so for a woman. That doesn't mean you can't fix things. It just means you both have to want to fix it.

    Yes, she needs to quit that job. Frankly, I'd be surprised if the company did not have rules against such conduct, esp if either of them is in a higher position of authority than the other. Then the issue of sexual harrassment has to be factored into the scenario. Chances are they would let her quit and draw unemployment just to see the risk of a harrassment suit go away.

    Finally, COUNSELING COUNSELING COUNSELING. (NOT from the Elders.) Go to someone professional. Lots of marriages survive an affair. Look at it as a warning sign to both of you that you were fortunate to get BEFORE it went beyond the point that it did. The fact that she did not go further is likely based on the JW "rules". She was able to compromise to that point because it is a different level of transgression. Lots of youth in my day rationalized all kinds of petting, but stopped before "penetration" as that was the WT rule of the day.

    Perhaps she has felt neglected by you (work, school, etc) and this guy may be a predator who sensed her feelings. Yes, there are men like that. It's Christmas Break so it's time for you to allow time to be more attentive. If you are both still in love, forgive. People make mistakes.

    Did I say COUNSELING?


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