So my JW wife cheated on me. Need some help or at least a sympathetic ear.

by JonathanH 147 Replies latest jw friends

  • wha happened?
    wha happened?

    Keep the elders out of it and go to a real therapist. If she wants to go to the elders exclusively, then walk. She's not sincere, and the elders will give crappy advice, especially if one of the elders has an interest. I've been there. If u wanna talk PM me.

  • JonathanH

    Don't worry, the elders are afraid of me. They won't intervene. She is going to tell them herself tonight to get whatever punishment they mete out, but there is no way they will be involved in our marriage.

    Thanks for the advice, I'm just working things out in my head and you guys are helping. Just keep talking.

  • OnTheWayOut

    Ihave to chime in with LWT above, first of all. You need friends. You need them even if stuff like this doesn't happen. I started with JWN when I needed friends. I have great friends now.

    1.When I asked her "Did you cheat on me?" she said "no", she didn't argue the point or anything, the conversation wasn't exactly organized, but I get the feeling she doesn't think that was she did constitutes cheating. Be honest with me, reading what she did above, does that constitute cheating? Or does there have to be actual genital manipulation for it to be cheating? If it's not cheating what the hell was that?

    She's answering like a JW or like Bill Clinton- in legalese. YES, she "cheated" on you.

    2. Realistically (and again I want honesty from people with experience) what are the odds that it's actually over with this other guy? Keep in mind we do actually have a happy marriage, I don't know exactly why she did this. We are sexually active and the sex is good, I am exceedingly attentive to her day and night. I treat her like a princess. I write lovey notes in her lunch box sometimes. In English 101 in college this past semester, we had to write an essay on our idea of paradise and mine was just three pages of talking about laying in bed with my wife (It got an A if that matters.) She hung that essay up on the refrigerator. We go on dates and to the movies, even when I am ridiculously busy. We had been on a nice date just the night before. Up until today I thought our marriage was a shining example of how to do marriage right. But reading websites on infedelity they say that it's highly likely a mate will cheat again even if they say they are going to break it off. Just from experience, I mean I don't have any clue what's going on here, but anybody with experience, what are the odds it will happen again?

    I think confessing to "something" indicates that it is over. Unless of course, you all split up. She might run back if there's no reason not to. But if the two of you try to work this out, it's probable that it is over.

    If you try to work it out, and she needs more sex, give her more sex. If that ain't possible, she needs to literally learn to take matters into her own hands (or devices).

    3. How am I supposed to talk to her? I don't even know what to say. As awkward and painful of a conversation as that may have been this morning, whatever the next one is seems like it has to be demonstrably worse. I don't know where to go from here. I mean, I can't just say "Oh, good "Big Bang Theory" is on tonight, we love that show. Let's make some popcorn and watch it on the couch." I mean what the hell am I supposed to say next? What about the next day and this weekend? I mean, how do I talk to her?
    4. What the hell am I supposed to do?

    Well, all things have changed, at least for now. I have to agree with New Chapter on this. You don't have to make any decisions now. You can tell her what you feel and that you want to work things out or don't know if you want to work things out. You can tell her that "we will try" to work things out, but that you won't promise that it will work out. She can leave you if those things aren't enough for her. I hear, from your version of it, that she wants to work it out. Those love letters and relaxed "dates" are not going to ever be quite the same, but you can salvage this if you both want to.

    If you don't feel comfortable talking to her, or sitting and watching "Big Bang Theory," then don't. But prolonged isolation isn't going to solve matters, it will just drive her to that guy. If you want something to work out, you have to work on it. I recommend marriage counseling right away. If you both won't go, then you go. But it says something if she won't go also. If it's a money issue and you both won't go, and I realize this happens often, then you both need to sit down and discuss this frankly and just say what you are telling us.

    With no promises made, see how it goes.

  • AGuest
    It seems to me that you both have a very different perception of your relationship.

    I SO hate to say this, dear Sculls (peace to you!), but that's very often the situation (and issue) when one spouse is so blind-sided in this way. The only way someone can get blind-sided in these situations. Not trying to lay it as blame, but sometimes taking a relationship for granted can result in this. Yes, one SHOULD be able to take the relationship for granted, to some extent (I mean, promises were made, so...), but it's GOOD to "check in" from time to time... and ASK: "Hey, everything okay, hon'? How are you REALLY? You KNOW I love you, don't you? Yeah, I know you know I do... but I want you to KNOW I do... and not doubt it! Anything I can/need to do to make sure that's the case?"

    No, failing to check in doesn't give the other spouse license to be... disloyal (which is the word I think fits best - because "faithful" denotes having faith in the person you're married TO... or IN the marriage... so that being "unfaithful" means the one who is such has either lost faith in the one who DIDN'T "cheat" or in the marriage... which may not actually be the case... and "cheating" is fine, IMHO, if the injured spouse doesn't KNOW... because "cheating" has its foundation in deception..). Checking in, can, however, help avoid being blind-sided... by given one SOME insight to how their spouse MIGHT be thinking/feeling about the relationship... as well as given opportunity to talk/work out and/or "correct" , if necessary, things that might need that.

    My heart goes out to all of you who are experiencing SOME kind of riff in your relationships, both marriage and with other family of whatever status. Life is hard enough, sometimes... and these things just make it suck to high heaven. Hang in there (as to life, if not the relationship)... and may JAH strengthen... and bless!

    A slave of Christ,


  • OnTheWayOut

    She is going to tell them herself tonight to get whatever punishment they mete out, but there is no way they will be involved in our marriage.

    Unless you hate her now, tell her not to do that. Nothing she says to elders will help matters. If you want to divorce her, then don't stop her.

    The advice not to get them involved is good. Her thinking of the need to confess just gets them to assigning blame based on her/your involvement in the JW's.

  • JonathanH

    She will talk to the elders regardless. I am not involved in her witness doings, and she certainly won't take kindly to me saying "don't talk to the elders, it will make it worse." Remember, she still identifies as a JW.

  • tec

    I have to also say ditto to everything Mrs. Jones and Shelby mentioned. I wanted to emphasize one point - do not let what other people think you should do (or what you think others would want you to do), determine what YOU actually WANT to do. Because that and the sake of appearance stops a lot of people, imo, from forgiving when they want to forgive.

    On a personal note, someone close to me is going through this VERY thing. Cheating, but without se x. Its still cheating. Just like abuse is still abuse whether it is emotional or physical. One of the worst things about it is that some people shrug it off because there was no actual se x . But the feeling of betrayal is the same.

    My friend has the same thoughts and worries as you do. How does he talk to her, trust her, get back to normal life? Can he? Does he want to? Does she? How can we move past this.

    There is a difference though... your wife fessed up to you, full of remorse for what she had done. His wife was caught... then came the remorse. Harder to trust that.

    I think one of the most important issues is for her to answer... and that is WHAT is missing in her that she did this? Not what is missing in your relationship or how you treat her... what is missing in her. That is what I said to my relative. Marriage counselling is good. Probably needed in most cases of infidelity where both spouses want to remain together and heal, because they love one another still.

    Just take it one step at a time. It will be hard to heal... but it can be done, and has been by others... whether you remain together or not. You're not alone.

    Strength and peace to you,


  • AGuest
    She is going to tell them herself tonight to get whatever punishment they mete out,

    If you can get her to avoid this, dear JH (again, peace to you!)... please do. This is yours and hers problem, not theirs. And it will backfire on you both, I am sure. She will never appear "right" in their eyes, again, and... they will make it YOUR fault. Thus, she will have to deal with a double-whammy afterward... that has the potential to send her crazy. Even more so that she may "be", right now. Although the admonishment is "What God has yoked together let NO man put apart," they will want to try, simply because they HAVE no control over you. They will try to get it, through her. And her life may be irreparably damaged as a result. Do let her do this... to herself... or to you.

    She has NO ONE to confess this thing to... but you... and God (through Christ). They are NOT her mediators, or masters over her faith.

    Please... think about it? YOU can forgive her... even if you no longer wish to remain married (even they will say that her acts can be construed as "adultery"). And if you love her, you will forgive her... even if you can't continue to live with her (which is your decision, alone, and not one you should make hastily).

    But THEY have NO business in this matter, none at all. On any grounds, particularly "scripturally." Don't let them in on it, then, if you can stop it.

    Again, peace to you!

    A slave of Christ,


  • wha happened?
    wha happened?

    You do realize that if she is active and you aren't, then the big fat failure badge is going to be leveled on you by the elders.

  • PSacramento

    Advice is cheap dude, take it for what its worth.

    It is YOUR life and only YOU live it.

    You don't need anyone to tell you the consquences of what you WANT to do, what you NEED to do and what falls inbetween the two.

    This is between you and your wife and no one else and only you know what is going on in your relationship.

    So I ask you this:

    Do you love her and does she love you?

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