So my JW wife cheated on me. Need some help or at least a sympathetic ear.

by JonathanH 147 Replies latest jw friends

  • JonathanH

    I have neither friends nor family to turn to. The result of being born in a cult. But I need to talk about this. Thus I am hear talking to a digital room of strangers about my wife's infedelity. You guys are as closest thing I have to friends.

    She confessed to me at least, and it wasn't sex at least...Hooray...She woke up crying in the middle of the night saying she ruined everything. Like a dutiful loving husband I consoled her asked her what was wrong, she wouldn't tell me. She said that I would hate her, and she ruined everything. My heart sank and I thought "she's cheating on me." I thought this because last sunday night was very suspicious. She said she was "going out with the girls" and I was fine that, "have fun" I said. But she kept just saying "I'm going out with the girls" and it was very vague, she wouldn't say what she was doing or what girls she was going out with. She also put on a lacey lingerie bra that shows off her nipples. I joked about what kind of girls night she was planning on, but she just said that the bra straps on that bra go with her new shirt, not that the girls would see her bra strap. It was wierd, but I trust my wife. I trusted her, and it wasn't a big deal. It kind of nawed at me though, the whole scenario just seemed off. But again, I trust my wife, so I was just being silly.

    Turns out she had been going to the house of one of her co-workers (a worldy man if it makes any difference.) He's in his mid thirties (we're in our late twenties,) he was going through a bad divorce, and had a thing for my wife. An awkward visible thing, that various people around her office knew, and I knew too. It wasn't threatening, it was kind of sad. She was open with me about it, her other co-workers knew he had a thing for her. It was harmless and awkward, like I said, it was just kind of sad, and no big deal.

    Well apparently he had invited her over to his house, just to talk, he just needed to talk to some one. And she went. Why did she go? I don't know. She said it was stupid, and that she didn't want to blame me. But she felt like our marriage just wasn't as passionate as it could be, she wanted more sex, but it wasn't my fault, that I am a great lover and she knows I've been working full time and going to school full time and still paying all our bills and managing our house. But she went. One night while I was at work, she went over to his house. I never even knew about it. They didn't do anything, just talked for hours. And she was home before I was (I get home about midnight from my job.)

    But then he asked her to come back again, that was this past sunday. And she did. She went to his house and they talked for hours and then he kissed her, and she kissed him and they made out. I asked her to be specific, very specific. What does "made out" mean. They had their tongues in each others mouths, he kissed her neck and face, he put his hand under her shirt and played with her breasts, while she wrapped her arms around him. But that's as far as it went she assured me. He invited her back this friday, and she was going to go. But now she says she's going to tell him that she's not going to his house any more. What a relief<----sarcasm.

    I asked her why she would go? I mean didn't she know what was going to happen? She said that she told him that they she wouldn't have sex with him, but she expected him to kiss her. I asked her why she wore the lingerie then and she said she didn't know, she wasn't thinking about it logically, it was just sexy. But she knew what was going to happen, she went with the expectation that they would be making out. And though she says that she wasn't going to have sex with him, she intended to go back to his house friday night. You can't make out forever.

    I don't know what to do now. She left to go talk to her boss at work about the situation, her boss has known about the co-workers feelings and my wife is good friends with her boss. I have been at home alone all day trying to make sense of things. Somebody please help me.

    Ok here are some questions. Let's break it down so people can help me out here.

    1.When I asked her "Did you cheat on me?" she said "no", she didn't argue the point or anything, the conversation wasn't exactly organized, but I get the feeling she doesn't think that was she did constitutes cheating. Be honest with me, reading what she did above, does that constitute cheating? Or does there have to be actual genital manipulation for it to be cheating? If it's not cheating what the hell was that?

    2. Realistically (and again I want honesty from people with experience) what are the odds that it's actually over with this other guy? Keep in mind we do actually have a happy marriage, I don't know exactly why she did this. We are sexually active and the sex is good, I am exceedingly attentive to her day and night. I treat her like a princess. I write lovey notes in her lunch box sometimes. In English 101 in college this past semester, we had to write an essay on our idea of paradise and mine was just three pages of talking about laying in bed with my wife (It got an A if that matters.) She hung that essay up on the refrigerator. We go on dates and to the movies, even when I am ridiculously busy. We had been on a nice date just the night before. Up until today I thought our marriage was a shining example of how to do marriage right. But reading websites on infedelity they say that it's highly likely a mate will cheat again even if they say they are going to break it off. Just from experience, I mean I don't have any clue what's going on here, but anybody with experience, what are the odds it will happen again?

    3. How am I supposed to talk to her? I don't even know what to say. As awkward and painful of a conversation as that may have been this morning, whatever the next one is seems like it has to be demonstrably worse. I don't know where to go from here. I mean, I can't just say "Oh, good "Big Bang Theory" is on tonight, we love that show. Let's make some popcorn and watch it on the couch." I mean what the hell am I supposed to say next? What about the next day and this weekend? I mean, how do I talk to her?

    4. What the hell am I supposed to do?

  • designs

    Keep talking and communicating over it, emotions like this don't turn on and off like a faucet. If you are open to it contact a marriage counselor. Since this is a co-worker the daily contact after the kissing episode is going to take some defusing. Sorry to hear you are going through this.

  • mrsjones5

    1. Yes she did cheat.

    2. I have no idea if it's over, the other guy doesn't know either.

    3. Stop asking about the details and talk about whether you both still want the marriage and go from there. This maybe a hiccup for your wife but she has to understand that your trust of her has been damaged.

    4. Depends on if you still want your wife. I feel that you do.

    And don't drag the elders into this, get real marriage counseling from a licensed professional.

  • Found Sheep
    Found Sheep

    I agree with Mrs Jones

    just want to add. She needs a new job. There is no way she can work with him at this point. Please get marriage counseling. It sounds like a good marriage worth saving from what you wrote.

  • AGuest
    1. Yes she did cheat.

    Ditto, dear JH (peace... and strength... to you, truly!)

    2. I have no idea if it's over, the other guy doesn't know either.

    Ditto... and nor does she... or you...

    3. Stop asking about the details and talk about whether you both still want the marriage and go from there. This maybe a hiccup for your wife but she has to understand that your trust of her has been damaged.

    Ditto, again...

    4. Depends on if you still want your wife. I feel that you do.

    Sounds like you do, but you're not sure if you SHOULD. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks you SHOULD want, at this point, though. And no one can decide that for you at ANY point.

    5. And don't drag the elders into this, get real marriage counseling from a licensed professional.

    And, by ALL MEANS... tell HER not to drag them into it, either!! Otherwise, ditto, ditto, ditto. Wait... I'm not sure you heard me: DITTO. (Did I say "ditto", here?).

    6. She needs a new job. There is no way she can work with him at this point.

    BIG ditto. Almost as big as the previous one.

    SO sorry you are in this "pickle," dear one, truly. May you come out of it... however you do... with minimal "bruising."

    Again, peace to you!

    A slave of Christ,


  • thetrueone

    My advise is be patience , things like this can work its way out if all of the prevailing conditions are there..

    In the process make it more of your personal agenda to talk to your wife and increase that communication level to get inside her thoughts.

    You may have deep hidden problems in your marriage that are maybe not obvious.

    Spouses that cheat usually have more problems within themselves than the ones that don't.

    If she is adamantly remorseful and expresses regret and forgiveness.

    Then try to accept that.

    She may have just got herself caught up in the emotions of someone's elses problems, weakening her ability to think clearly .

  • truth_b_known

    I hate the word "cheated" when used in reference to a romantic relationship. You can cheat in sports. You can cheat at cards. Cheating implies you broke rules to gain an advantage.

    I think the proper word is "faithful" as we are taking in terms of infedelity. If there was no sex involved there was no infedelity. This is a case of disloyalty. There is a difference between being faithful and be loyal.

    You are faithful to your spouse by having a relations only with her. You are faithful to your spouse by avoiding flirting. Loyalty goes beyond faithfulness.

    So, your wife was disloyal and, based on her own account, I bet she'd have been unfaithful that same night if he flame had pushed it. In fact, based on the way you painted the picture, I am sure that was her intent. So, here's the magic question:

    Do you trust her still?

    You can forgive her all day long, every day, but if you have misgivings that she will repeat everytime she walks out the door, I have some bad news for you; it's over. Get an attorney and part ways. Move on and be happy.

  • PaintedToeNail

    You said she woke up crying, she then confessed to you. That seems like she is genuinely remorseful. Maybe she just wants to know she is still sexy to other men, it may have been a way to reinforce her worth in some twisted way.

    Maybe she is like a child, and by telling you she was going out with girlfriends, she was hoping you would say 'No', an effort to know what the boundries are in your relationship.

    Do you still love her? Does she still love you? Counseling can help.

    Sometimes people just act stupidly, then realize how dumb they were and how they jeopardized what is important in their life, and are truly remorseful.

    I hope that whatever you do, you can find peace of mind.

    Best regards!

  • watersprout

    Oh dear

    Yes she did cheat... You need to talk to your wife and find out why she needed to see this co-worker.

    I'm so sorry this is happening to you ((hugs))


  • JRK

    She may be telling you half truths. She may not be able to own up to the "full Monty." I have had this happen to me a couple of times. Said they just kissed, but later it came out that they were banging each other's brains out.

    Be very careful. My first wife told me that grim details and then got naked and asked me if I wanted anything. If you take them up on it, you lose JW grounds for divorce. Just do not jump her bones after she admits that they did the deed.

    All the above information only applies IF you care about the JW's man-made rules.


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