I have neither friends nor family to turn to. The result of being born in a cult. But I need to talk about this. Thus I am hear talking to a digital room of strangers about my wife's infedelity. You guys are as closest thing I have to friends.
She confessed to me at least, and it wasn't sex at least...Hooray...She woke up crying in the middle of the night saying she ruined everything. Like a dutiful loving husband I consoled her asked her what was wrong, she wouldn't tell me. She said that I would hate her, and she ruined everything. My heart sank and I thought "she's cheating on me." I thought this because last sunday night was very suspicious. She said she was "going out with the girls" and I was fine that, "have fun" I said. But she kept just saying "I'm going out with the girls" and it was very vague, she wouldn't say what she was doing or what girls she was going out with. She also put on a lacey lingerie bra that shows off her nipples. I joked about what kind of girls night she was planning on, but she just said that the bra straps on that bra go with her new shirt, not that the girls would see her bra strap. It was wierd, but I trust my wife. I trusted her, and it wasn't a big deal. It kind of nawed at me though, the whole scenario just seemed off. But again, I trust my wife, so I was just being silly.
Turns out she had been going to the house of one of her co-workers (a worldy man if it makes any difference.) He's in his mid thirties (we're in our late twenties,) he was going through a bad divorce, and had a thing for my wife. An awkward visible thing, that various people around her office knew, and I knew too. It wasn't threatening, it was kind of sad. She was open with me about it, her other co-workers knew he had a thing for her. It was harmless and awkward, like I said, it was just kind of sad, and no big deal.
Well apparently he had invited her over to his house, just to talk, he just needed to talk to some one. And she went. Why did she go? I don't know. She said it was stupid, and that she didn't want to blame me. But she felt like our marriage just wasn't as passionate as it could be, she wanted more sex, but it wasn't my fault, that I am a great lover and she knows I've been working full time and going to school full time and still paying all our bills and managing our house. But she went. One night while I was at work, she went over to his house. I never even knew about it. They didn't do anything, just talked for hours. And she was home before I was (I get home about midnight from my job.)
But then he asked her to come back again, that was this past sunday. And she did. She went to his house and they talked for hours and then he kissed her, and she kissed him and they made out. I asked her to be specific, very specific. What does "made out" mean. They had their tongues in each others mouths, he kissed her neck and face, he put his hand under her shirt and played with her breasts, while she wrapped her arms around him. But that's as far as it went she assured me. He invited her back this friday, and she was going to go. But now she says she's going to tell him that she's not going to his house any more. What a relief<----sarcasm.
I asked her why she would go? I mean didn't she know what was going to happen? She said that she told him that they she wouldn't have sex with him, but she expected him to kiss her. I asked her why she wore the lingerie then and she said she didn't know, she wasn't thinking about it logically, it was just sexy. But she knew what was going to happen, she went with the expectation that they would be making out. And though she says that she wasn't going to have sex with him, she intended to go back to his house friday night. You can't make out forever.
I don't know what to do now. She left to go talk to her boss at work about the situation, her boss has known about the co-workers feelings and my wife is good friends with her boss. I have been at home alone all day trying to make sense of things. Somebody please help me.
Ok here are some questions. Let's break it down so people can help me out here.
1.When I asked her "Did you cheat on me?" she said "no", she didn't argue the point or anything, the conversation wasn't exactly organized, but I get the feeling she doesn't think that was she did constitutes cheating. Be honest with me, reading what she did above, does that constitute cheating? Or does there have to be actual genital manipulation for it to be cheating? If it's not cheating what the hell was that?
2. Realistically (and again I want honesty from people with experience) what are the odds that it's actually over with this other guy? Keep in mind we do actually have a happy marriage, I don't know exactly why she did this. We are sexually active and the sex is good, I am exceedingly attentive to her day and night. I treat her like a princess. I write lovey notes in her lunch box sometimes. In English 101 in college this past semester, we had to write an essay on our idea of paradise and mine was just three pages of talking about laying in bed with my wife (It got an A if that matters.) She hung that essay up on the refrigerator. We go on dates and to the movies, even when I am ridiculously busy. We had been on a nice date just the night before. Up until today I thought our marriage was a shining example of how to do marriage right. But reading websites on infedelity they say that it's highly likely a mate will cheat again even if they say they are going to break it off. Just from experience, I mean I don't have any clue what's going on here, but anybody with experience, what are the odds it will happen again?
3. How am I supposed to talk to her? I don't even know what to say. As awkward and painful of a conversation as that may have been this morning, whatever the next one is seems like it has to be demonstrably worse. I don't know where to go from here. I mean, I can't just say "Oh, good "Big Bang Theory" is on tonight, we love that show. Let's make some popcorn and watch it on the couch." I mean what the hell am I supposed to say next? What about the next day and this weekend? I mean, how do I talk to her?
4. What the hell am I supposed to do?