So my JW wife cheated on me. Need some help or at least a sympathetic ear.

by JonathanH 147 Replies latest jw friends

  • sizemik

    I can't really add anything Jonathan . . . you have enough good advice here to make a call . . . and it must be your call.

    You have my sincere sympathy . . . this is not a nice thing to face.

  • GLTirebiter

    I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, Jonathan.

    Like the title of your post says, it's cheating. If you did with a co-worker what she did with him, would she or you call that cheating? (Yes.) Did she feel guilty and need to confess? (Yes.) And since she wore her fancy lingerie for the occassion, it was planned--not a case of losing control "in the heat of the moment".

    I agree with what the others have recommended:

    • professional marriage counseling (even if she won't go with you, it can help you learn what to do next)
    • she stops seeing him immediately, and permanently
    • which means she gets another job (unless he does)
    • most of all, emphasize restoring the trust--not "getting even"

    If you want to save your marriage, you need to start being partners again. I hope you're able to do that!

  • mamalove

    Other posters have already said much of what I would say also. This is not meant to minimize your pain or her actions....but I don't think this has anything to do with you. This person was probably feeding into her need to feel attractive, and she likely was very flattered. It may have felt exciting and all of those chemicals were probably taking over on the part of the brain that should have stepped in and made her run.

    If she is still around him at work, he probably will keep pursuing her, she is perhaps filling in the void and helping him get those chemicals that feel good, while getting over the rejection and hurt of his divorce. If there is anyway she can transfer and get away from him, that is best.

    This could bring you closer together if you are able to slowly regain trust, and respect for one another. I agree with PP that counseling is the best way to go.

    Please know that you have lots of people thinking of you. I forget, is your wife the only JW in the house? Do you have kids? If you are a JW also, are you going to the elders? I would probably avoid getting other people involved in your personal issues. But that is just my opinion.

  • Snoozy

    Counseling and a polygraph...

    No one knows what is going through her mind and in order for you to both put this past you and move on you will need counseling and a pledge to not do it again..she needs to get a separation or divorce if she can't control isn't fair to you.

    She apparently isn't happy with the arrangement she has and is looking elsewhere for something she is lacking at home. (Not saying you are doing anything wrong)

    And it sounds to me like you are making excuses and trying to make it "look" like you aren't suspicious of her and you trust your may come accross that way to her also. It sounds like you don't trust her. (With good reason)

    Jus my 2 cents worth..

    Snoozy..Married for 35 years and been through it all.

    I also wanted to add that I recommend a counselor because too often the husband and wife end up in a blaming game..instead of a sharing of needs.

  • smiddy

    I wont beat about the bush

    Get rid of the bitch

    If she`s done it once she will do it again

    You will never have trust in this person again

    Their will always be a question mark over who she is seeing who she is going out with

    Cut your losses and move on

    I`m sorry if this sounds harsh,and I truly feel sorry for what you are going through,but if you let her get away with this she will walk all over you


  • StoneWall


    Tell us how you really feel and don't sugar-coat it so much. I think you're still beating around the bush.

  • JRK

    I PMed you my phone # Jonathan. I do have a sympathetic ear.


  • Aussie Oz
    Aussie Oz

    As far as trust goes...

    She had automatic trust as a mate first, now that it is gone, she needs to understand too that she needs to earn it back if she wants it. That means you have the right to honesty and transparancy from her at all times. That includes you being able to check on her whereabouts. If she does not think that is fair then i suggest she want's to keep secrets. That, will work against her gaining, and you giving trust again.

    And Get a real counselor as many have said.

    that too may reveal her level of remorse and desire to reagain the trust she once had from you.

    all the best


  • Fernando

    Jonathan, what a rational and balanced explanation and approach to a very testing situation. Very commendable - do all you can to keep it up.

    Patience and communication will go a long way. A good Psychologist can also be a great help.

    Judgment, anger and criticism are likely to generate destructive fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment - and only make matters worse - so keep any and all ignorant and blind religionists far away from this situation - please. No elders - ever! No nosy know-it-alls either. Just the two of you and professional counselling. Take your time - no rush. Be kind and forgiving, yet firm, whatever the outcome - we all make mistakes.

    I have found that developing an authentic personal spirituality over time can be a big help in getting clarity, answers and a better perspective. This is not something any religion/ists can help with though - quite the opposite - they steal and destroy spirituality - by design.

    Best wishes on your journey.

  • nugget

    Your wife was flattered by his obvious regard for her and allowed herself to take this further and her actions show recklessness and selfishness. If she wants the marriage to work she has used this other man and played with his emotions in order to fuel her feelings of self worth. she has given this man false hopes and he may find her sudden change of heart confusing and frustrating. Certainly this is not going to make the work situation easier and he may feel that persistence will get him what he wants. She seriously needs to find alternative employment as she has ruined her work relationships and needs to put you first.

    The elders may take pity on her having an unbelieving husband but seeing as she planned for some of this to happen and dressed provocatively they may be less forgiving. However at some point they may convince her that this is all your fault. It is important that you get professional help to work your way through this. The elders are going to make a bad situation worse mainly because they are not equipped to deal with anything beyond their narrow remit. It is important to be open and honest with one another and remember that you both have choices.

    I am very sorry to hear this has happened.

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