Question for the men

by SafeAtHome 118 Replies latest social relationships

  • jamiebowers

    Like I said before, save him from himself and yourself in the process. You and I live in the same state, and I know women who have been in your position, and they got half of everything. I don't know if it's state law or if they just had really good attorneys. If you're that worried about it, consult a divorce attorney before you talk to your husband.

    At any rate, whether he's having an emotional affair or a physical one, nip this in the bud now. Every dollar he spends on this bovine is less money for your golden years, whether or not they are spent together or apart. Oh, and checking the bills may do you no good. Lots of cheaters get a secret credit card and either manage the account on line or have the statements mailed to a POB. You need to run a credit report on him, which can be done on line for free once a year. If the free one has already been run, then another one can be done for a small fee.

    Also I wouldn't worry too much about your friends finding out. If he is indeed spending lots of time with another woman, most, if not all of your friends already know and don't have the nerve to tell you. Stop relying on his honor or guilty conscience to fix this matter. If either of those were motivations for him, he would've ended the affair and/or already come clean. You must protect yourself from both possibilities of acquiring an STD and financial loss against a woman, who at best is a gold digger. If your husbad was being conned in a Nigerian scam you wouldn't hesitate to intervene.

    It is important that your husband realize that you are a force to be reckoned with. If your marriage stays together, he will respect you for your strength. If your marriage ends, taking early action will make your life easier later on.

  • AGuest

    Dang, dear JB (peace to you!) - Girl, I'm glad I ain't married to you! LOLOLOLOL!

    Peace to you, dear one!

    SA, on her own...

  • mrsjones5

    "It is important that your husband realize that you are a force to be reckoned with."

    Damn skippy, I totally agree. You've got to put your big girl panties on and take your power back from the bovine (such a nicer way to say cow or heifer :D me likey).

  • jamiebowers
    Dang, dear JB (peace to you!) - Girl, I'm glad I ain't married to you! LOLOLOLOL!

    Well, one thing about being married to me, or just knowing me, is that you never have to wonder how I feel or what I'm thinking. LOL! There's been a few times in my marriage that I've had to cut to the chase wth my husband. It wasn't about adultery but something he was ashamed of and tried to hide from me. He was relieved to learn that I knew and confronted him about it, because he didn't have to carry the worry or the guilt. I hope the same happens for SAH.

  • Nickolas

    I am reading between the lines that this is an internet affair - your reference to him not being computer savvy - but it really doesn't matter either way.

    When the philosophical problem in my marriage remained unaddressed after festering for 20 years I struck up a relationship with a wonderful and beautiful young woman over the internet. I made no attempt to hide it from my wife and rationalised it away on the basis that the relationship was not physical. She was 20 years my junior, was married, although unhappily, and we were on opposite sides of the continent. But I have no illusions in retrospect - it was unquestionably inappropriate and it was only a matter of time before our conversations about meeting IRL were put into action. I was blind, ignorant and naiive about emotional infidelity and the relationship caused my wife a great deal of heartache. After nearly a year of long, daily internet chats and frequent telephone conversations with the young woman we got to be very close friends and my wife's emotional pain deepened, but she didn't take a stand because things were already tentative between us and she was afraid of losing me. I dismissed her concerns. I actually didn't realise that I had allowed myself to fall in love with the young woman until she was killed in an accident and my world imploded. My grief exposed me and my emotional betrayal, but my wife remained loving and supportive. She even accompanied me to the funeral, which was the first and last time I laid eyes on my young woman friend. That was 13 years ago. I grieved for a year. And for a decade my guilt caused me to put aside my resentment toward my wife for getting secretly baptised into the Watchtower. There, then, are my credentials for the advice to follow.

    I am also reading that you and your husband are playing a game of cat and mouse. You are leaving broad hints that you know what's going on and he is pretending, probably as much to himself as to you, that he is getting away with it. What you are providing him, however, is tacit approval of what he's doing and you are opening the door for the relationship to escalate. Emotional infidelity is the first threshhold for a man, but not a point of no return. It is a fair assumption that your husband's love for you is his greatest restraint but the longer the relationship goes on the more difficult it will be for him to keep it in his pants. Once the relationship gets physical it will have crossed the line and there is a good chance that you may lose him. My advice, be loving and supportive and calmly tell him that you know. No more cat and mouse. It is you or her. He needs to make a choice.

  • skeeter1

    Affairs thrive on secrecy and dishonesty.

    Usually, the other woman knows the man is married. The married man has told "fibs" about his wife. These fibs can be anything, from about physical characteristics to emotional/sexual coldness to financial mistakes.... By villifying the wife, the married man then has a "reason" to cheat. The other woman wants to believe...and the affair happens.

    So, if you want a chance in hell of saving your marriage....I suggest ALL THREE PEOPLE sit down for a dinner to END THE AFFAIR and DISPELL all myths. Until then, you'll never know if he's still cheating.


  • SafeAtHome

    Nickolas: You write beautifully, I felt I was reading the synopsis of a novel. No, this is not an internet affair, they just communicate by email since they see each other once or twice a week in a work situation. Yes, I am leaving broad hints, but I don't think he is thinking with his brain right now.

    skeeter1, yes that is why I debated about saying anything because I feel it is the secrecy that adds to the excitement. I'm not the type for a face to face with her. During my first divorce 27 years ago, my lawyer told me that if I keep nothing else, keep my dignity. I'm afraid I'd lose it in a face to face when I would tear hers off!

    Does anyone out there know about the software that can be installed on a computer to detect passwords? Is it safe or easy to install? I have read reviews on several programs, but don't want to do anything to screw up my computer.

  • Nickolas

    Does anyone out there know about the software that can be installed on a computer to detect passwords? Is it safe or easy to install?

    Do you really want to do that rather than just confront the situation honestly? In my estimation you're now getting into a higher level of mistrust between you and your husband and compounding the problem.

    If this is what you want to do, as much as I think you're making a mistake, you can download and install a keylogger program. Keyloggers will record every single keystroke made on the computer and log them onto a hidden file that only you can access. They are very hard to detect but not impossible. Passwords will be normally recorded at the beginning of a session but you will also see every single word he has typed. It is a serious breach of trust.

  • EmptyInside

    A relationship worth saving is one where there is honest and open communication.

  • AGuest

    I'm with Nick, dear SAH (peace to you both!). I mean, I don't think you really want to know what words have transpired between them, if there is something inappropriate going on. Given your self-admitted reserved personality, I'm not sure you're ready for that (especially if you're a "lady" in the boudoir!). Even so, what might you find out? That he IS having some kind of "affair"? But you already suspect that, so if he is, then do you really need to know what they say between one another? Will that make it... ummm... more "real"? And if he isn't... and it's really all just business... then, as dear Nick suggested, aren't you kind of crossing the "privacy/trust" line?

    Again, as virtually everyone has said, it's entirely your choice. But we are more than willing to help you think some of these things through. This is one of them.

    Again, peace... and a speedy resolution to this matter for you!

    A slave of Christ,


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