Question for the men

by SafeAtHome 118 Replies latest social relationships

  • techdotcom

    While there is a possibility that a relationship can survive without honesty and trust, it's unlikely to do so. So it depends on the induviduals and how they feel like handling it. No right and wrong per say, but I'd be inclined to say she should confront him with what she knows and then they can decide how they want to proceed into the future.

  • NomadSoul

    Tough question, although I never been married, I had serious relationships. And one I had for so many years cheated on me and I just moved on. Once trust is lost, I think it's hard to trust that person again.

  • SafeAtHome

    Again, thanks for the input. If I were 30 years younger I could take the advice to confront it and move on. But, we are a few years from retirement and I keep seeing myself as a lonely old woman in a one room apartment with her cats. If anything, I am as much angry of the situation as I am hurt. I just see our "golden years" going down the toilet. However, I do agree it has to be confronted at some point. I am just biding my time until I feel it is no longer tolerable for my health or state of mind, or until I can find a little more out about how far things have gone. You guys have been wonderful to bounce this off of.

  • JeffT

    If you were having an affair and your wife found out about it, would you want her to tell you she knew?

    I would know she knew when I came home and all my stuff was in the driveway and my key didn't fit the lock on the door. Our regular attorney doesn't do divorce law, but he knows everybody. I have no doubt that he would direct her to the best divorce lawyer in the state of Washington.

    That's a tough position to be in. I don't know what I would do in that situation.

  • FlyingHighNow

    Have you really thought this through? My first husband cheated on me. After 6 months of extreme heartbreak, I began to try to look at the very real reasons he stepped outside our marriage. I came to the conclusion he did it because he found more in common with the girl and that he felt less like a jerk with her. At home he behaved like a jerk. So he ran to her to feel more accepted and normal. I bring this up because it may be problems in your relationship that have caused him to seek comfort somewhere else. It's hard to be objective, but you kind of have to be.

    Sometimes it can be simply that you've grown apart or never have been a compatible match. Other times someone is just bored. I learned not to take adultery personally. It usually has nothing to do with you being unattractive or undesirable. It usually has more to do with the outside relationship providing something lacking in the marriage. If that's the case, the marriage may be repairable. Your husband is a human being. He has needs and feelings just as you do. If you do confront him, be patient and listen to what he is really saying. If you come off like a shrew, he's liable to retaliate, rather than be honest with you and work with you to find a good solution.

    I have a friend who has been married 30 years. The last twenty have been lonely, with hardly any sex and the last ten there has been no sex or romance. The wife has no desire to repair this. So if he ends up going outside for romance and sex and affection, the wife has to take some responsibility for driving him there. This couple is not compatible. They have completely different personalities and interests and they are pretty much tired of each other. Neither believes in divorce. It's just a recipe for sadness.

  • shamus100


    Can't leave and I have been having an affair. There was a lot of kissing involved. I'm sorry.

  • SafeAtHome

    shamus100, second smile of the day. You guys are a crazy bunch!

    FlyinghighNow: My first husband (a JW) also cheated on me. My spouses 1st wife cheated on him. We found each other a little later in life, but it has now been 26 years. I know after that time things can get dull and routine, but what is it about men that they won't bring it up or talk about anything important? They easily get sucked in by someone younger who may be up for all the flattery BS, but that's not the real world. We were (are) a compatible match, we have a history, a daughter, family, etc. I really do think this is repairable, but I just don't know how to appraoch him about it. Like, how do I open the conversation without him becoming immediately defensive? I have talked about this with no one, except one person, who is close enough to observe and monitor things and has been a close friend for decades. That's why I reached out to all of you. It's easier to be anonymous like this, besides, this way I can get input and not broadcast to everyone we know what is going on. How is that? He is the one hurting me, yet I am protecting him and his reputation with all our friends and family? Typical woman, heh?

  • Judge Dread
    Judge Dread

    You need to see William Shatner's interview with the Mayflower Madam.

    There is a part of the interview that addresses men and their "affairs".

    That might help you.


  • mf6

    I've been married for 37 years. Twice I've had friendships with women that turned into intense attraction (at least on my part), never anything physical. My wife knew I was friends with these women.

    I was so stupid not to realize how uncomfortable it made her. I realized eventually that at least for me, any close friendships need to be only with men. Not sitting in judgement of anyone else. That's just how I handle it now.


  • FlyingHighNow

    Women have affairs, too.

    I just took Julian to have his hair cut. There was the August issue of the Readers Digest. There is an article by a marriage counselor in it. I found it interesting.

    Most husbands who have affairs do not wish to end the marriage. Maybe it's time to woo him back. Guilt might drive him to drop the affair.

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