elderelite: I guess I am a coward. Nothing to lose but the way of life I am used to and a roof over my head. But I am sure most of you would say, well is this the type of life I want to live? No, I hate this, I really do. Were you really an elder? It's weird talking to an elder like a real person, not someone who has put themselves above a lowly woman and telling me to wait on Jah and subject myself, pray more, do more service, blah, blah, blah. See, I haven't lost my sense of humor! It's been 26 years since I have been away from that scene.
Question for the men
Sadly, SAH, i didnt "used" to be an elder. Not yet anyway... I tragically still am.
I understand your fears. They are real justified.. But thats why i said bring it up in a non hurtful or sarcastic way. Just honest discussion about what you think is happening and what can be dont to correct
It, to repair thimgs between the two of you if possible. 26 years is a lot to walk away from and it dosent sound like you want to
I guess I am a coward. Nothing to lose but the way of life I am used to and a roof over my head. But I am sure most of you would say, well is this the type of life I want to live?
But you may lose that way of life and roof anyway, as I found out. The advice I gave you was the advice I should have taken. Like you, I waited. It all went to hell anyway.
I really hope it turns out well for you. If not, dont forget you get half and possibly more of the assests. What your husband is doiing could be considered marital misconduct, even in a no fault divorce state. The courts frown upon marital misconduct.
elderelite: Holy crap, you are an elder! Well, I'm thinking about you telling me to be brave and confront it, but then I think, look who's talking, an elder posting on this site and can't come clean with leaving the JW's......but then I think, no you have your reasons for not rocking the boat and letting it all hit the fan....so who better to empathize with what the mixed things going through my brain. Believe me, I feel for you and what you must go thru stepping into the Kingdom Hall and then posting here. You sound very kind and reasonable, the kind of elder my dad was, back so many years ago. You've given me much to ponder.
Robdar: Marital Misconduct! That's too politically correct! That is funny, like Sarah Palin's "lipstick on a pig" terminology!
Lol many many times on this board i have been accused of cowerdice regarding my "position" as an elder. I wont rehash it all, suffice to say its temporary. At some point in the nrar future both my elder dramma and my own marital dramma will be adressed... But suffice to say i do indeed sympathize your feelings all too well, both as an unwilling elder and an unwilling party to a broken marriage. But i can say truthfully of not for two young children i would be neither an elder or married to the curret mrs elite. Sometimes the answers we seek arnt easy to hear or accept. For now my path lies in protectig my kids, as opposed to what the one i want which to leave her and the organization yesterday.
For you, although its easier to let it lie, open and honest discussion may be best...
But as you say, im in no position to question. Only offering one mans thoughts.
Dear SAH, again, peace to you! I am not sure what state you live in; however, you should most probably check to be sure that you are in fact "entitled to half of his retirement, social security, and probably anything else he's acquired during your more than quarter of a century marriage."
I say this because (1) not all states are community property states and, even so, some of his assets may be considered "separate property", depending on their origin, nature, and/or how they're held; and (2) you indicated that he was married before, which MAY entitle his previous spouse to SOME of his retirement/social security benefits.
If you have ANY concerns about what his financial status is, may be, could be... and/or what you may or may not "get" in the end... you should check with a local attorney ASAP. NOT saying you need to contemplate divorce - not at all! Just sayin' you should consider being prepared... in case HE is contemplating it (JAH forbid - spit, spit, pa-tooey!). Since your main concern with this other woman is that he's being used for financial purposes, you may wanna check with an attorney, anyway... in order to protect whatever you MAY be entitled to. Because you really don't know how this is all going to shake out... meaning, you don't know what he's planning/planned based on his [potential] relationship with HER (again, JAH forbid!)
In the meantime, peace to you, truly!
A slave of Christ,
This might be a silly question, but do you KNOW or do you THINK you know? You don't know if it has progressed to physical, for sure, but are you getting second-hand information from friends to have learned this? I ask only because if this is the case, then I think you do need to talk to him - according to all the great advice given: non-confrontational, calm and honest. There might be something more than you know, or that your friend knows. I understand that the liklihood is as you suspect. But a lot of tragedy can happen from misunderstandings. Now if you know for sure, then never mind my post :) But I thought I woud at least ask the question first.
Peace, and I do hope that you and your husband work things out.
Yes, I am in a community property state, I have a cousin who is an attorney who could answer my questions, but as I said, I am not mentioning it to anyone else yet, just one friend. His first marriage lasted about two years, 35 years ago, so she would not be in the picture at all.
tec: Yes, I know for sure, let's say he is not computer savvy and the thing just popped out at me, leading to further investigation to discover who she was. Gosh, you guys are great, asking great questions, covering the bases for me.
LOL @ SAH. Yeah, marital misconduct is a funny term, but an important one. And if it all goes down, don't forget you may also be entitled to some alimony.