hope there's a happy ending to your story'''
Question for the men
I want to thank everyone who responded. This was my first thread and it was overwhelming, everyone who cared enough to help. When something like this happens, it really helps to talk it through and get feedback from those outside the situation. As I mentioned, I have told only one close friend about this, and that, only because she is in a position to observe first hand. I didn't want to blab to friends or family and do damage that could not be taken back.
My husband is a good man, the last person in the world, anyone who knows him, would think to be found in this situation. People respect and think highly of his character. I have always been proud of him and he has been close to and loved by my family (even the JW's). I don't want to rush ahead out of hurt feelings and destroy that. So, for now, I am going to continue to say nothing and act as if all is normal. I honestly do not believe it has become physical. From what my friend tells me of this other person, it will indeed run its course after she gets what she is after. Unfortunately, I have found evidence that it may be of a financial nature -- and that really ticks me off, but, oh well. My friend was completely taken aback about the idea of my husband, but not the woman. Apparently he is not the only male she has charmed to her advantage.
In the meantime, I will continue to be alert to certain things so that if it does indeed come to a showdown or has progressed to the point where it can no longer be tolerated, I will have given him enough rope to hang himself. From many of your comments, I have seen where I need to improve, where I have let the relationship grow stale and routine. I have to be the best I can be to work on his conscience and make him feel guilty everytime he does something that involves her. I also feel a boatload better, having found out that after the number of years invested in our marriage, I am legally entitled to half his retirement and social security!!! I will be upbeat and positive--a mopey, surly personality is attractive to no one. I will strive to withhold sarcasm...that will be the hardest part.
I will keep you updated. I have a feeling that if something major happens it will be in the next few weeks (when the bills come in). Thank you so much for your comments--except for one "lame"comment that was hurtful, you have all been appreciated.
I've read this topic with great interest and you seem to have a level head about this SAH. I wish you the best and all works out well for you and your husband.
mrsjones5: I feel like I have just been given a giant hug. Thank You
So, for now, I am going to continue to say nothing and act as if all is normal. I honestly do not believe it has become physical. From what my friend tells me of this other person, it will indeed run its course after she gets what she is after. Unfortunately, I have found evidence that it may be of a financial nature -- and that really ticks me off, but, oh well. My friend was completely taken aback about the idea of my husband, but not the woman. Apparently he is not the only male she has charmed to her advantage.
I realize that I'm not one of the "men"... and am coming in on the late freight, dear SAH (peace to you!), but I would like to offer that, if the above is true, you NEED to tell your husband you know. For obvious reasons, but certainly before his possible "blindness" causes BOTH of you some financial problems. I would not, however, "confront" him. Can't see any good coming from that (guys who would respond to that don't usually have affairs - way too scared - LOLOL!). I would, however, find some way to let him know I know... without MY saying anything. Eventually, this forces HIM to bring the subject up.
And when he does, I wouldn't get all emotional - that's the worse thing because it unlevels the "field." It often forces men (and women) to lie - they'll say "anything" to calm you down/stop you from crying. So YOU need to be prepared for when the time comes for that "talk." You need to "man up", control your emotions... and deal with it. That means allowing him to tell you HIS point of view... even if that means he blames you. Yes, that very well may be no-cahones way for him to deal... but give him his "moment." LISTEN. And don't interrupt (this is IMPORTANT!). Hear him out.
Then, when he's done (and you should make sure he is...), tell him how YOU feel because of this, how his conduct makes YOU feel. You both may find that there are underlying issues that need to be dealt with, but you should try to focus on THIS issue, for now... perhaps dealing with the others through counseling or something of that nature. Your bottom line (if you wish to stay together)? He MUST make a decision. If it's you... then you must make sure you can BELIEVE that. So, tell him he now has the challenge of convincing you... and ask him if he's up to that. BUT... give him LEAVE TO BE HONEST. Don't MAKE him tell you what YOU want to hear... by refusing to hear what he WANTS to say. Because if there was ever a time for honesty and truthfulness in your relationship, this is it, dear one.
I have never faced this issue; I have, however, had the "privilege" of having several men who have contemplated cheating... or actually cheated... confide in me (My Lord only knows, why! And I admit that sometimes I wish they wouldn't - it has sometimes put me in a very funky position! I have always said to them, though, "Either you tell her... or I'll have to. Please don't put me in that position!).
Of course, it's your choice alone and if you choose to remain silent... then so be it. May you receive whatever strength and long-suffering you need to get through this time!
Again, peace to you!
A slave of Christ,
How you bring up an affair can bring different responses. One time my mother took my oldest two brothers and dropped them on the front porch of my Dad's lover. Mom knew dad was there. She pinned a note to the boys' shirts and left lunches, etc. Rang the doorbell and left. She took my sister to the movies with her. Later that night, dad's dad returned the boys to mother. She told her she better than God that Daddy did not bring them to her. She said he was very, very angry.
I'm not a man, but I'd like to put my two cents in the pot. First of all, you're correct in that you're entitled to half of his retirement, social security, and probably anything else he's acquired during your more than quarter of a century marriage.
Second, unless you've been spurning your husband's need for companionship and/or sexual advances on a regular basis, him going outside of the marriage for such things is his fault, not yours. If your marriage is stale, you're not the only one to blame. As a matter of fact, him going outside the marriage is probably a huge contributor to the staleness, because he's not focusing on you or his relationship with you.
Third, if your husband is being conned by a gold digger, you owe it to yourself and to him to wise him up. Why should either of you suffer any financial loss over a bimbo? I have seen this happen so many times: some sweet, young thing who leads with her crotch cons an old geezer into leaving his faithful, loyal wife all because said sweet, young thing is too stupid, too lazy, or both to make it on her own. The husband files for divorce to be with Little Miss Hot Pants only to come running back to his wife after he realizes:
a. He can't keep up with her in any way.
b. She's using him for financial gain.
c. His assets will be cut in half.
What I find funny is that in every case I've seen this happen, the wife decides to follow through with the divorce. It 'aint just widows who are merry! Talk to your husband now, before he goes off the deep end. You don't have to be mean, but letting him know that you're on to them is your right and oblgation. Aside from that, if their relationship is physical, you need to get checked for STDs. He may believe that he's the only one for whom Miss Mary Jane Rotten Crotch spreads her legs, but no one else is the same kind of fool. Sigh, I guess there's no fool like an old fool.
Thanks for the additional comments. AGuest, you gave me much food for thought. You know, I have been dropping hints you could drive a car through, but he is either clueless, or continues to think I am clueless. That's the thing, finding a way to let him know I know without a confrontation.
jamiebowers, you sound like what my friend said. a,b, and c are all so true. Hey, I think I'm going to meet you when you guys all get together on August 27 in Akron.
One of the hardest things is I have to time this right so our daughter is not home when this all hits the fan. She would go ballistic and I can't handle that on top of everything.
FHN, your mom sounds like a take charge woman!
Another thing, I know it is weighing on his conscience. Sometimes I'll see him sitting on the patio with his newspaper but he will be staring off into space. Or he will be particularly chatty, which he is not, after using the computer. That's when it's hard to hold back the sarcasm and come out with it.
SAH, why not just lay it out..? No hurt feelings, no sarcasum, just honest discussion. You lose nothing. Listen honestly and evaluate if the relationship can be saved.