Question for the men

by SafeAtHome 118 Replies latest social relationships

  • SafeAtHome

    I'd like the input of the guys, maybe some of you who have been married or in a serious relationship for some time. If you were having an affair and your wife found out about it, would you want her to tell you she knew? Would it serve a purpose, that is, make you end the affair, or on the other hand, push it over the edge to be with the other person? Speaking of affairs, if it is an " intense emotional" affair, not yet physical, what is the liklyhood it would go no further and run it's course, or would telling him push it to the physical level? Thanks for the input.

  • PSacramento

    The whole adultery thing aside ( if one can put one of the big 10 aside that is), there is always a reason for everything we do and even more so something like an affair.

    Women take "emotional affairs" just as seriously ( if not more so) then just a "physical affair".

    Truth is truth and if one values it, oen must live by it.

    If a woman finds out that her husband/BF is having an affair then she shoudl confront him with it in as civil a manner as possible.

    Unless she is ok with living a lie, which would probably means she will use it as an excuse to have one of her own ( seen that done more times than I care to think about).

    No one shoudl be "OK" with the person they love being loving and intimate with anyone other then them, UNLESS it is an "open" relationship of course.

  • sizemik

    I've been married for 30 years and never considered having an affair . . . so I have to think hard about this.

    Once we had a long time female friend who had just come out of a collapsed marriage come and live with us for a couple of months. She and I could communicate quite well and we became involved in a number of deep conversations on a personal level. After a while my wife made mention of it. On self examination I found I had developed a bit of a soft-spot for her, although there was little conscious sexual attraction. I backed off a bit because of it . . . and am grateful in hindsight that she pointed it out.

    If one or other partner becomes aware of anothers infidelity . . . emotional or physical, it should be confronted at the earliest opportunity IMO. Either the relationship get's repaired, or you move on. Hanging around in an untrustworthy relationship and saying nothing, is a road to greater hell IMO.

  • SafeAtHome

    Thanks guys, you make good points. PSacramento, you're right, no one should be OK with the person being loving with anyone else.

    sizemik: "Either it gets repaired or you move on". That is where the fear is, what will happen when it is confronted. There are 26 years invested in the relationship.

  • cantleave

    I value my testicles too much to have an affair, nugget would probably do nasty things to them when I was asleep.

  • SafeAtHome

    cantleave my first smile in many days! Thank you

  • PSacramento

    If there is a problem, and an affair usually means just that, it has to be fixed or the realtionship will die anyways.

  • sizemik
    There are 26 years invested in the relationship.

    WOW . . . that's not good. Unfortunately the equation doesn't change I believe. If those are 26 trust-filled years, then the need to confront it is just as great . . . something of lesser value will never do. I hate hearing things like this because someone is going to be badly hurt. But the opportunity for repair is still there . . . if both parties are willing. If not . . . then moving on is still the only option IMO. Someone is just going to need lot's of support.

  • sd-7

    I'd say, I would rather not continue a relationship if I can't be loyal to the person. I would rather not have someone know about my infidelity and not confront me with it, that wouldn't make sense. I experienced this personally with my girlfriend--I was the cheater, unfortunately, and I immediately broke up with her rather than have this huge thing hanging over us.

    To me, you just don't do something like that unless there's a serious problem with the relationship.

    As for the "emotional affair", well, that's a little more complicated. I probably wouldn't tell my wife even half of what I really feel, to be quite honest. Yet I'd tell someone else, practically anyone else. Hence the threads from my earlier days.... Well, I guess that's something different. If there's a romantic/sexual element involved, or even the risk of one, it makes sense to bring that out in the open and step back from that other person you're too close to emotionally. But I'd be more concerned about the physical stuff than anything else. I haven't exactly made myself all that trustworthy, or been able to meet her needs, so I couldn't blame my mate if they happened to be more emotionally connected to someone else.


  • 30 years out
    30 years out

    I have been in this position. I was having an "intense emotional affair" with someone who was my friend from a work situation and also knew my wife at the time. This "affair" never moved to the physical level, but at the time that was not terribly relevant to my wife. Our marriage did not end over this, but it did point out that there were issues which were not being addressed by either of us, and 18 months later my own restlessness brought our marriage to an end.

    I am now in a long term committed relationship and still have a friendship with my exwife. I believe we are constantly evolving and we don't always grow at the same rates. In my own case I was opperating under the illusion that I could overcome feelings I eventually could no longer deny.

    Every individual and situation is different, so I guess you need to weigh all the possibilities you can imagine and determine how you would handle each of them and then make a plan of action.


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