Question for the men

by SafeAtHome 118 Replies latest social relationships

  • serenitynow!
    Maybe it's time to woo him back

    I say you deal with that crap "Waiting to Exhale" style!

  • elderelite

    I will walk a fine line here and say that i have contemplated these issues myself, from the other side. Its no secret on this board that my wife and i are having some very very troubled times.

    What FHN said is all true. Every word, every letter, every punctuation. When a man steps outside his marriage, typically, its because some need isnt being meet.

    This is what I have observed and how it happens. I already hear the keys hammering away as some guys try to response and reply to where they disagree... these are the same men who have never had an affair, emotional or physical. I have see these stages play out time and time again with guys i work with and guys I have sat on judicial committess in front off and even some much closer to home... its not ALWAYS the same, but mostly it follows the same basic pattern from the guys perspective

    The stages sort of go, at first men (here after refereed to as "we") try to tell you whats wrong. We can be clumsy and maybe we dont speak girl language well, but we do try. Some guys, like me, will outright say "i need more (blank)" ...

    The second stage eventually becomes we get offended or our pride gets hurt because we expressed a need and it got ignored. Having your girl ignore something you tried to tell her you wanted or needed is really bad. No, not a one time thing, but i have seen time and time again, we express what we want or need, a gal says ok she understands and its fine, and goes right back to ignoring whatever the expressed need was. Her reasoning is often "well thats just not important", meaning whatever it was wasn't important to her. She didn't understand, not the physical words he used, but that he really meant it.

    From that usually fairly direct expression, once the pride is hurt, we tend to fall into a mindset where we feel, having been blunt and direct about it, you gals should know what we want. If u aren't giving it or meeting that need you dont care. If u dont care why should we... So we get withdrawn and silent. Once a guys gets silent and start with the one word "yes" or "no" and begins to purposely ignore what he knows you want, its reached the point where you gals have to step in and fix it.

    The problem is, now that we have fallen to ignoring you because our pride is hurt, you arnt going to be quick to give in. Its not too late at this point. we are only "acting out" or throwing a tantrum because we want your attention. Having gone the route we know best, direct, and been ignored we are simply trying another route. we are trying to insulate ourselves from further hurt feelings or protecting our pride from getting stung more.

    If you respond, show a little humility, explain you are sorry and have seen we were serious about whatever is causing the rift, we will go back to our normal life. Maybe there is some need you have that isnt being meet. Trade it. State plainly "a favor for a favor". men can do that. If you want quality time and we want passion, we will trade that. If you want the trash taken out and we want dinner at 6pm, we can work with that. whatever it may be. But at the point where we have gone silent, you have to be the one to step up and open the discussion. at least typically.

    from silent mode it can linger on like that for a long time. months.. years... But the stage has been set for what happens next. A man will wander. mentally first then physically. IT often is described as starting when a he seeks companionship with another gal to "get help fixing his current gal" type thing. But really, its just a matter of him needing the qualities he can only find in a woman. The emotional compliment, as it were. Its the start of an emotional affair. * please note, yes some men will just find a gal to sleep with. this is really no different that the stage where he is trying to get your attention. if a guys just sleeps with a woman he has no attachment to emotionally he just wants to hurt you, get your attention. If you can get over it there is still room to fix the relationship"

    Left to linger, that relationship with one or more women will turn into at least one emotional affair. it will cycle through its own little stages of guilt and pleasure.. ultimately he will become more and more withdrawn, having his needs, even if just emotional ones, meet by her, his attachment to her will grow. Its only normal. its human. We gravitate towards what makes us feel good. With that relationship moving along well, life at home will naturally become worse from mutual neglect. its only a matter of time before the emotional affair becomes physical.

    its a long processes, its never simply and its never just one parties fault... but thats how it often goes. just one mans observation

  • leavingwt

    Honesty is the best policy.

  • SafeAtHome

    You are all so insightful.

    elderelite, you've given me so much to think about. I knew it would help to have a man's viewpoint.

    FlyingHighNow, I will look for the Reader's Digest. Thank you everyone, I feel I have so many new friends.

  • FlyingHighNow
    Maybe it's time to woo him back
    I say you deal with that crap "Waiting to Exhale" style!

    And by doing that, you hope to accomplish what? A guy not worth fighting for, that might be an option. But she says they are close to retirement and she wants to stay married. Being a bitch about it isn't going to do anything but make her husband feel justified in what he is doing. Wisdom. You use it and you might have half a prayer of straightening this out. The old nasty governing body gave us all the idea that adultery was the very worst vow someone could break. The only vow that ultimately matters in a marriage is faithfulness, according to them. The problem with this is that it made us all believe the only way to deal with adultery was to usually blame it all on the adulterer and walk away. It also set us up not to be introspective and honest about our own part in the break down of a marriage. Some marriages are worth fighting for. And an affair is a symptom, a wake up call. It's not something that always is unforgivable. And guess what, there are many vows and promises that can be broken in a marriage that end up doing far more damage than an affair. For anyone whose mate is stepping out: The truth is that if your mate loves you, cares about you, it's still inside his/her heart. And you and he/she both can find that love again if it's always been there.

  • FlyingHighNow

    You can be friends with the opposite sex as long as you aren't attracted to each other sexually or romantically.

  • Robdar

    Sometimes men and women cheat for nothing more than an ego trip. They can excuse or justify their actions but it's still an ego trip.

    You can bring this person coffee in bed, go down on them long and often, and tell them they are they are wonderful and they will still cheat. They cheat because there just isn't enough attention in the world to make them feel valuable and powerful. To compensate this perceived lack, they seduce. And they do it over and over again. Each seduction makes them feel powerful and sexy for a few minutes, a couple of hours, maybe a week or two. Then their low self esteem needs to be boosted once more. And so the seduction begins anew.

    Are you sure your husband has been emotionally and physically faithful to you throughout your marriage?

    If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't him ask why. The reasons your husband may use to justify his affair really have nothing to do with you and don't let him tell you that they do. Even though you may have problems in your marriage, it is still your husband who chose to respond this way. Divorce him. Talk half the assets you are entitled to and go forward without fear, my dear.

    Much love to you.


  • elderelite

    Damn it shamus, that how our affair started and u know it! It was all inocent "kiss the monkey" for a while then next you know we were into the heavy petting!!! I blame u!

  • dgp

    would you want her to tell you she knew? Would it serve a purpose, that is, make you end the affair, or on the other hand, push it over the edge to be with the other person? Speaking of affairs, if it is an " intense emotional" affair, not yet physical, what is the liklyhood it would go no further and run it's course, or would telling him push it to the physical level? Thanks for the input.

    This is what you wrote. First, I will call this "intense emotional affair" cheating, but just for the sake of making things easier for me to write.

    would you want her to tell you she knew?

    is kind of an odd question. It sort of makes me feel that the question means "Do you think I will piss him off? Because that's not what I want". But that's only my impression.

    I am sure, however, that a cheating spouse would like to find out whether the spouse cheated on knows about the cheating, but I think the reason would be only to be better prepared to anticipate what the spouse cheated on would do. Being cheated on is a terrible experience and people react to it in a variety of unpleasant ways.

    Would it serve a purpose, that is, make you end the affair, or on the other hand, push it over the edge to be with the other person?

    I don't think there is a way for us to tell. In some cases, yes, the affair comes to an end. The reason is not necessarily that the cheating spouse is concerned about the spouse cheated on. Some rare times (to my knowledge) the cheating leads to leaving the spouse. Usually the cheating begins without the cheating spouse intending to leave the marriage. And the sad truth is that "the other woman" or "the other man" are often told that they are not that important to put an end to a marriage after all.

    Speaking of affairs, if it is an " intense emotional" affair, not yet physical, what is the liklyhood it would go no further and run it's course, or would telling him push it to the physical level?

    I think "intense emotional" affairs are in a way worse than purely physical ones. The reason is obvious. People don't (usually) leave a spouse or marriage only for the sake of sex. People do leave relationships that are perceived as bad.

    The likelihood of this affair going no further is hard to predict. Sometimes it doesn't go any further and the people involved know very well that it won't. Often it does go further. For the reasons elderelite pointed out.

    When someone posts something like this on a forum, you need to read between the lines. I take it that someone has found out that his/her spouse is cheating, and wishes to know what would be the best thing to do: to say that all is known, or not to say it.

    There is no way to predict what will happen if this person says s/he found out about the cheating. The right question to ask is whether s/he wants to stay with the cheating spouse. If s/he does, then his/her talking is not the way to go, because it will surely backfire. This person should say nothing if s/he wants the other person to stay. This person should bear in mind that the spouse might go away some day anyways.

    How to react to cheating is a very personal decision, and one that shouldn't be made lightly.

  • wearewatchingyouman

    I personally wouldn't want to know if my wife was cheating... this is because I love her very much, and though I would like to think I could forgive her I just don't know if I could honestly do so...

    As far as the OP's question... I don't think I'd ever cheat just 'cause sex has never been a huge deal for me.... though I enjoy the hell out of my wife enjoying herself... and it is more a spiritual thing I enjoy with the love of my life... but if I did and she knew about it... yeah, I'd want her to talk to me...

    now onto the emotional affair part... WTF is this anyways? I personally am very close with a few women and have emotionally intimate relationships with them... I guess I'm lucky to have a wife who respects this and loves me for it... even more reason not to stick my dick somewhere it shouldn't be...

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