Is he interested?
This man has lied to everyone. The truth is he is a member of a high control group and part of the culture he belongs to does not permit him to be friends with anyone outside the group. He is only allowed to date someone if he intends to marry them and sex is not allowed outside of marriage. If your relationship was known to other members of the congregation he would be censured and may even be shunned and thrown out of the faith.
He wants everything, to have sex with you and to maintain his position. He can't have both and be honest. He can't see you as a serious relationship because you don't meet his religions criteria and he does not care enough about you to put you first. He wants you to make all the compromises whilst treating you as a shameful secret. If you continue you will be constantly expected to be available for him whilst at no time will he make compromises for you. Christmas, birthdays and thanksgiving are not important to him so you will spend these on your own.
As you have identtfied yourself in as a Christian, why not try a Christian dating site?~ Vamderjpvem7
When I started dating again I was on Match.Com, Plenty of Fish and Christian Mingle.
I felt like Christian Mingle guys were a little judgmental and unrealistic about what they were looking for.
I am frustrated because I feel like I am ready for a relationship but there is nobody there to fill the role. Where is my Mr. Right? I am 35 and most of my friends are married and/or engaged or in serious relationships and I don't understand why I am not finding someone also.
The JW guy I am dating is the first guy who was even someone who had his life together. He and I are supposed to get together tonight. Dinner and a movie. I am going to be honest and say after reading all of these threads, I kind of want to cancel with him.
But I kind of don't.
I either need to end it completely and walk away or open up my dating accounts again and just accept that he and I don't have a future and just kind of hang out with him until something better comes along.
I have no problems with just hanging around and having fun. But you know good and well you are invested in him and it won't allow you to move on if you stay there. Plus, a good friend said "If you hang out in barber shops, you are probably going to get haircuts." You want to stay around a JW who would love for you to be a JW, you probably will do it just for him.
Edited to add: This forum dropped my other comments. I appreciated you being so open and honest. I hope it helps you. Keep in mind that because of the JW issues, you cannot catch up with your friends on marriage and relationships with this guy. He already said he wasn't that guy for you. But then you sort of think he is, and have indicated that becoming a JW might make him that guy for you.
NO. You will be expected to confess your sleeping with him early on, to the elders. They will tell you to stop seeing him, probably to shun him. That's the only way you could become a JW. Or if you do not confess and actually get baptized into the cult, then he will probably confess when he tries to get back- a whole new mess for both of you. Or if both of you never confess, he gets reinstated and you are a baptized cult member, then the religion will make you feel guilty about what you did.
This man has lied to everyone. The truth is he is a member of a high control group and part of the culture he belongs to does not permit him to be friends with anyone outside the group. He is only allowed to date someone if he intends to marry them and sex is not allowed outside of marriage.. If your relationship was known to other members of the congregation he would be censured and may even be shunned and thrown out of the faith.~Nugget
Can I just say I am glad I found this forum. I really don't know much about the JW beliefs other than the booklet he gave me and what little information is in it. Honestly a lot of the things in the booklet are similar to my beliefs (Origins of sin, Jesus, Creation, etc.). I just feel like there are many "unspoken rules" that I am unaware of because I have never been close to any JW's.
I am unsure if I will see him tonight or not. If I choose to, I might poke the bear a little and question him about his faith, and why he was online dating services and why he even asked me out in the first place. (If those things are not allowed).
I am not sure how devoted to his faith he is OR how serious is family is about it. He told me a few months ago that they were having a BBQ for one of his nephews. I guess it was his nephews Birthday, and they were not celebrating his birthday but were having a BBQ in his honor? That confused me.
I am unsure if the other girl he dated before me was a JW at this point. I have never thought to ask. I will ask when I see him tonight.
Is there anything else I should address with him?
He wants you to make all the compromises whilst treating you as a shameful secret. If you continue you will be constantly expected to be available for him whilst at no time will he make compromises for you. Christmas, birthdays and thanksgiving are not important to him so you will spend these on your own. ~Nugget
His family does know about me so I am not sure how much of a secret I am. I have met his dad and two of his nephews. His mom and sister want to meet me to discuss their beliefs. I don't think people in his congregation know about me. Maybe his mom and sister want to protect him by converting me?
I do feel like I am making compromises for him and I am not sure he is willing to do the same. He spent Christmas eve with me (spent the night). He did not get me anything for Valentines Day because they don't celebrate it~ I got him something small.
I really don't know much about the JW beliefs other than the booklet he gave me and what little information is in it.
WHY have you not been on JWfacts.com?????
It seems you really want to filter our responses and see what you want to see.
Look up JPSears videos on Youtube and watch the one on Narcissists. But, FIRST read JWFacts.com
Again, you will find a lot of info on JWFACTS.COM. It is where to start. You will understand how your little booklet lies.
i met my new wife through plenty of fish.
I think this is a troll after all this time and the to and fro ing that`s been going on all this time .
WHY have you not been on JWfacts.com?????
It seems you really want to filter our responses and see what you want to see.~Wakanda
I did look that up. Last night before I saw him.
Please, I am not a troll. I am a real person who started dating a JW a few months ago. Since I am not that familiar with it I am honestly seeking advice about him. I am not seeking to cause trouble, but I am trying to decide what is best for me.
I did see him last night. I asked him all kinds of questions about his faith and our relationship.
1) I told him that I read that he is not supposed to do online dating. He told me it is ok, but discouraged because they don't want JW's getting involved with worldly things like drinking and doing drugs.
2) I told him that I read that he was not supposed to date me because I was not a JW. He said that it was discouraged but he would not get into trouble for spending time with me.
3) I asked him about our sexual relationship. He agreed that we should not have had sex and he said that is why he has not allowed us to in the past few weeks. But then he said that once he gets baptized he will have to stop doing that.
4)He told me he was not baptized. Does that change the rules of our relationship?
5) He asked me where all these questions were coming from and I told him I read these things online. He asked me if I looked at the jw.org page and I said.. I am not sure. (Was not gonna tell him about this forum). He told me I need to only read the things on the JW.org page he sent me and I should avoid things like this because sites like this are apostates(did I spell that right?) and they try to discourage people from being a JW and spread lies about being a JW.
I told him I was uncomfortable just being a friend and I wanted to be more than just a friend. I did not want to be treated like a placeholder and his behavior was making me feel that way. He refuses to make me his GF and keeps telling me I am his best friend forever and that he always wants me in his life and because of that he refuses to get into a relationship with me because he is afraid we will eventually break up.
I told him I wanted to stop seeing him. I told him that his actions were hurting me. He started to cry. He cried that he hurt me. He begged me not to end it. He told me not to ghost him or write him out of my life. He told me I was his best friend and he loved me and I was the most important person in the world to him. I was kind of thrown off by the tears. I have ended things with guys in the past and never got an hour long crying show.
And now we get to the part that really bothered me. He told me that he was not ok with us ending things. I asked him if I blocked his number how he would contact me? He said he would show up to my house. I asked him what he would do if I was not home. He said he would wait for me outside of my house until I got home. I asked him what he would do if I moved and he said he would show up at my job.
We only dated 6 months. I am not his girlfriend and he made it abundantly clear he didn't want a future with me.. We are not even have sex right now.... so.. Why would he be so freaked out about ending things with me? Is this normal for a JW?
Sorry to say it (so bluntly), but in addition to all the other issues discussed in nearly 100 replies, it sounds like he's "half a bubble off".He has some real "emotional" issues.
After considering all of your posts, you sound like a smart, talented, (somewhat) reasonable person who is finding success in life. WTF are you doing to yourself by adding this kind of baggage in your life? This guy can do nothing more than drag a person down -- regardless if it is you or someone else. Why would you want it to be you? (BTW -- Do you also adopt abandoned & stray pets?)
Give him a message:
As all ex-JWs on this forum have warned you - dump this man and run.... and not only because of his JW involvement. Block him at every corner. He will use any device (tears, threats, unwanted intrusions etc. to manipulate and control your life. All he cares about is what he wants.
Dump him now - period
And don't bother meeting up with his mom...but do tell your "friend" as you dump him, that if he calls you or visits you, even once after you call your "friendship" quits, you will send mom and kingdom hall a copy of your last post above.
Either that or enlist a supportive male; someone with muscles, for protection. One phone call from Mr. muscle will mean you have nothing to fear, because this boy "friend" of yours is clearly a coward who will run away at the least threat to his physical well being.