Is he interested?

by Sunnybear 111 Replies latest social relationships

  • Introvert 2
    Introvert 2

    Some co dependancy going on here. That and the guy is a full blown user and narcissist as previously stated it comes from being in the cult. A quick read of Stephen Hassan's 'Combating Cult Mind Control' is in order Sunnybear.

    Back in the late nineties I had an df'ed jw friend that was my mountain biking / training partner for a summer or two. Very similar in character to your BF : While he was DF'ed he slept around, did all the 'worldly things', used his new found expendable worldly friends for free labour, rides and meals and then quickly cut ties with us once he re-married and was re-instated. Went back for the status and money, inheretance you know, game plan all along.

    Although you dated lots Sunnybear sounds like you can do better even if you feel you're getting older and the clock is ticking. It's all up to you really but sometimes better being alone than poorly matched. Anyhow good luck with it all and take care, hope it works out for the better for you. Is kind of a sad situation really, the way narcissists leave hurt and upheaval in their wake... I've seen it up close myself and learnt quite a bit to say the least.

  • Incognito

    I just read through most other posts.

    While he is placing conditions on you for your relationship to advance, you must study JW beliefs and eventually become a full-fledged JW yourself. He may not have said that directly, but make no mistake, that is what is intended.

    Have you placed similar conditions on him for your relationship to continue or do you accept him as he is?

    Why is it he doesn't accept you as you are but you must meet and study with his mother, to become a potential convertee? Have you asked him to attend your church or become a member of your religion? I expect if you made even one request to him, his reaction wouldn't be as accepting as your reaction has been.

    You have been provided much useful information here. This includes learning of JW negativity against a JW dating anyone who is not a JW. Also in learning it is a disfellowshipping offence to have premarital sex with anyone, JW or not.

    Have you asked him why he wants you to become JW when he doesn't adhere the religion's rules and requirements himself? If he gives an excuse that he isn't actually yet baptised as a JW, that is a BS excuse as a person does not need to be baptised to hold and follow beliefs they genuinely consider to be true.

  • smiddy3

    I agree with Doc now people do what they want to do regardless of any evidence to the contrary

  • HB

    I've never been a JW and so am not qualified to discuss that aspect, but you have already had plenty of good advice. I'm approaching your dilemma from a different angle, based on my own experience and observing other happy marriages, as well as the problems of badly matched or unhappy couples.

    If you talk to divorced people, they will often tell you that one of the biggest mistakes they made in choosing their ex-partner was going with their heart rather than their head.

    The problem is that much of modern culture in films, on TV, in novels and music lyrics encourages the ide that romance, emotions and physical attraction are a good basis for a happy relationship. It may sound unromantic and clinical, but my experience is that logic and rationality are invariably a far better guide to successfully choosing a suitable partner.

    If you can, figuratively step outside your current situation and try to imagine a future you in say, 20 years’ time, when the first wrinkles and grey hairs are showing. Imagine you are looking back on your life. What would you like to have achieved during those 20 years, how do you realistically envision your day to day life has been and what would your relationship with your partner be like after living together all those years? Write it all down.

    Now make another list. Write down what personal qualities your future partner would need to have in order that your vision for your relationship could be fulfilled. Be very careful to do this dispassionately, and don’t allow yourself to be influenced by the characteristics of your current boyfriend.

    Your choices can be positives or negatives, (For example, Positives - he must be good with children, he must be open minded, he must be honest; Negatives - he must not be a smoker, he must not be controlling, he must not be moody).

    Again being realistic, choose the top five to ten items on your list which you know you would not compromise on, and highlight these. The other items will be regarded as ‘nice to have’ but not absolutely essential attributes. Remember no one is perfect, despite the portrayal of some Hollywood films, and compromise on more superficial characteristics will be inevitable.

    Now be absolutely honest and put a tick against the items on your list that describe your JW guy. Does he fit with all your fundamental requirements?

    From your posts, I picked out amongst other things that you want someone who will be affectionate, someone who is able to discuss profound topics and someone who will be there to support you with life’s ups and downs.

    Bear in mind that if your boyfriend is turning up the romance and attention when he is concerned that you are about to end the relationship, this probably means he is acting a role. If he was genuinely a caring and attentive type, it would be an everyday part of his life, not just used as a tool when needed to keep you keen. If you were to marry, he would not have to try any more, and the affection and romantic attention could very quickly disappear once the honeymoon was over. That is very common.

    Enjoying deep conversations could last, but ask yourself, does he carefully listen to your views and happily accept that you are entitled to disagree with him, or does he get irritated and become dogmatic and arrogant if you take an opposing stance?

    You already don’t agree on religion, but how about ethics, politics, lifestyle, financial management, household management, gender roles, and the best way to bring up children? You need to be sure you can compromise on any points where you disagree.

    You don’t seem at all sure whether he would be caring and supportive of you in times of need. This is a crucial factor to determine. Forget about helping out with a tyre puncture, if he truly loves you, and is a genuine caring person, he would stick by you and take responsibility if you were in a terrible accident and left scarred and badly disabled. Would he do this for you? (And conversely, would you do it for him in those circumstances?)

    The most important element of love is respect. Does he respect and admire the things about you that you are most proud of about yourself? Do you respect his best qualities?

    If you take off the rose tinted glasses and work through these kind of questions with complete honesty (no point kidding yourself – this is a life-changing decision), you should be able to work out what is superficial and what matters to you. This may help you to by-pass your unreliable emotional responses and make a more rational decision.

    I won't wish you good luck as I don’t think your future is entirely down to luck, but good judgement and a mature approach. But I sincerely wish you the best and hope whatever you decide, you won't regret it in 20 years’ time!


  • SnakesInTheTower

    I still think this post is off. Truly sorry if I am wrong. I have read through the whole thread and the OP replies.

    Sunnybear presuming you are dead serious, you are seriously confused about reality with this alleged JW.

    Run, run, run. As fast you can. Leave this imposter JW and all things JW behind and find a real human, male or female, who treats you with respect.

    I am not sure who is being played in this story, you...or us. Sad either way.

    "Pat, can I buy a vowel? O please." "Yes, one O." "Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle" T _ O _ _


  • smiddy3

    That`s bloody good advice Heather you summed it up perfectly take note Sunnybear and use your head and not your heart.

    "The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate who can know it ?" Jer.17:9 NWT

  • Sunnybear

    I really appreciate all of the time you have all given to me to advise me in my situation.

    Some background on me, I was in a serious (engaged) relationship just over 3 years ago. After he and I broke up, I took a few years off of dating to figure out my own life. I do not regret that time alone where I focused on myself, my career and kind of got my life together. I am independent, financially established, I have friends and hobbies. I have a good job and I am content with my life.

    I started to enter the dating scene again about a year ago. I went on many, many first dates with awful guys. Guys who didn't have jobs. Guys who talked about their ex the whole time. Guys who gave me the creeps. Guys who acted like jerks. etc. etc.

    I am frustrated because I feel like I am ready for a relationship but there is nobody there to fill the role. Where is my Mr. Right? I am 35 and most of my friends are married and/or engaged or in serious relationships and I don't understand why I am not finding someone also.

    The JW guy I am dating is the first guy who was even someone who had his life together. He and I are supposed to get together tonight. Dinner and a movie. I am going to be honest and say after reading all of these threads, I kind of want to cancel with him.

    But I kind of don't.

    I either need to end it completely and walk away or open up my dating accounts again and just accept that he and I don't have a future and just kind of hang out with him until something better comes along.

    Maybe I need to ghost him (block him) and erase his phone number off of my phone. But when I tried to do that yesterday I started to cry, which indicated that maybe I am not ready.

  • Giordano

    I don't think your relationship with this guy is what many of us are concerned about. It's the JW connection, his mother and sister and his pushing for a BS study? By the way BS doesn't mean bible study......

    Now with what you have learned here why not really drill down on his request for you to study when you have no interest in becoming a JW.

    Really find out why he behaves counter to what they teach.

    At the same time You are friends with benefits. If that fits for now so be it. As long as you know what's going on with this guy.

    Considering your on line dating results........ and I do know some people who have met, dated and gotten married from an online dating service so it can work out.

    Maybe what isn't working is having a first date without any preparation.

    Why not just meet for coffee during the day? If you get a bad vibe it ends, if your interested but not sure, meet for a drink after work. Just for a drink........ make it clear that you have other plans. If you are looking forward to seeing this person again then have that first date.

    You are articulate and in control of your professional life. And from your comments you do want a real relationship not a place holder.

  • sparky1

    You may feel that at 35 years old, time is running out for you. Don't give in to that 'siren call' that may be nagging you to get married or find a love relationship to make yourself 'complete'. Educate yourself and learn more about who you are. Venture forth into the world of love and commitment on your terms and not out of need. I highly recommend this book. Good luck.............we all deserve a measure of love and happiness.

  • Vanderhoven7

    As you have identtfied yourself in as a Christian, why not try a Christian dating site?

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