new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel 106 Replies latest jw friends

  • trevor


    You assume that what people choose to show on this board is all
    that there is too them and that you know their personalities by
    their postings. You talk of people being afraid to face the darkness
    in themselves. Like others here I too choose what I post and conceal
    that which I feel others may not understand. We all have our reasons
    for the way we act but I don't see it as darkness rather part of a journey
    in experience and understanding. I believe that we have the right to
    make mistakes and fall down. We also have to take responsibility for
    what we do and move on. The only person we need to square what we
    have done with is ourselves.

    I have helped hundreds of people like you to stop judging themselves and
    other people, when I was a therapist.The most fundemental quality of a therapist
    is that they do not judge others. You can judge a book by it's cover but people
    are different they can present themselves in the cover of their choice, and covers
    hide a lot. I understand because I too have lived through what you would call
    darkness. Why do think I became a psychotherapist?

    I hope you make some good friends and cope with the difficult time you are
    Going through. Life does move on.

    One of my favourite poems - I have changed the 'he' to 'her' so it makes
    more sense to you:


    Judge not; the workings of her brain
    And of her heart thou canst see;
    What looks to thou dim eyes a stain,
    In God's pure light may only be
    A scar, brought from some well won field,
    Where thou would only faint and yield.

    The look, the air that frets thy sight,
    May be a token, that below
    The soul has closed in deadly fight
    With some infernal fiery foe,
    Whose glance would scorch thy smiling grace,
    And cast thee shuddering on thy face!

    The fall thou darest to despise-
    May be the angel's slackened hand
    Has suffered it that she may rise
    And take a firmer, surer stand;
    Or, trusting less to earthly things,
    May henceforth learn to use her wings.

    And judge none lost; but wait, and see,
    With hopeful pity, not distain;
    The depth of the abyss may be
    The measure of the height of pain
    And love and glory that may rise
    This soul to God in after days!

    A Procter (A Female poet 19th century)

  • azzazel

    comf nice try but I'm not about to tell you my story

    but lets just say when you know how it feels to be a woman left alone in the world, with herself and two young children to feed, not a hope in hell of getting a job , so far in the red your about to get thrown out on the street with nowhere to go,

    the only god that’s going to save you is cold hard cash ,

    thanks for your comment

    when you are a young single african american female parent faced with no other choice in life, in order for herself and her two young children to not live, simply survive one day, one hour, one minute, one second

    has had to not care who she has sex with than I will take you seriously

    that’s when you start to learn a few things about who is and who isn't getting by

    who is still faking it, pretending there's a part of themselves that doesn't exist

    who cant accept the complete reality of life because it includes things they'd rather not believe could possibly exist within

    exist within themself or oneself and by default another of their kind - a human

    but there are certain things in life that just cant be boxed into those cramped kind of conditions

    into the box your using to classify me, categorize me,

    label me already when you dont even know me as

    :a martyr

    i dont and wont fit into it i'm sorry

    some things are hard to get used to

    like reality

    there's always more to it than what meets the eye isn't there?

    well I suppose you could say that I'm one of those it's, living breathing 100% satisfaction money back guarantee

    there's much more to me than what meets the eye

    it's just that I made the mistake of thinking everybody knew the same about themselves

    and could admit it, you know someone like you comf,

    i've forgotten more than you'll ever know about this board

    believe me i read it loud and clear as i read you

    thankyou azzazel

    ps. neither me nor my family were ever really a popular family in the congregation

    i think it was because we didn't go out if the field service very much

  • Sunchild


    I barely know what to say, save that you have my sympathy. People do what they have to do to survive, and as far as I'm converned, you weren't harming anyone. A woman shouldn't be judged for wanting to feed her children.

    As far as being able to pray.... That depends completely on you and your own perception of the Divine. Do you really, truly believe that S/he is as petty and harsh as the Watchtower declares? Or, deep down, do you feel something different?

    I don't know what great advice I could give (if any), but if you ever want someone to talk to, please feel free to drop me a line.


    "Most men complacently accept 'knowledge' as 'truth'. They are sheep, ruled by fear."
    -- Sydney Losstarot, "Vagrant Story."

  • doubtingsister


    I have two children who mean everything to me and I know I'd do anything, anything, for them if needed, even if that meant hurting myself (especially myself). God forgives and FORGETS, unlike humans. Nobody can take away God's love, not even the Witnesses or the elders. Don't look at the past or even yesterday, just go forward and make goals to help yourself climb out of this. I don't mean to make it sound so simplistic, you're obviously in a lot of pain, but I can't stand to see you feeling so badly about this.


  • Tina

    Nice intro,and thanks for the snap judgement. Something you didnt like happening to you,yet you do to others,you know little/nothing about.
    I feel for you because I went thru the same experience with the death of my husband. Unfortunately,its not a rare life event,as you may think.
    Dont worry,I have no interest in your story and will refrain from getting involved. Suffice to say there are many others here who appreciate my love and support. I dont give it when its not wanted.
    Simply lurking does not give you the big picture of somebody,remember that before you trash others you dont know or their stories
    I find it truly ludicrous that you call yourself an attractive prostitute,and are upset at the being bounced for it...and you have the nerve to slam all the old time posters/ Get real girl

  • Tina

    Hiyas comf!
    Well said in a nutshell,hugs,T

  • azzazel

    how come i knew you were going to tell me that, like you told me that tina?

    I am azzazel the scapegoat of all you'll never acknowledge exists within your own soul

  • BugEye


    Just be careful with your life and take only your own advice
    seriously. Its midnight here, so I go to bed now.

    Good luck


  • Tina

    Because you set it up like that azzazel. By deliberately slammin posters you know nothing about.Seems to me w/ that flame and your anger you set it up to fight.....its your life,rationalize prostitution anyway you want,there are options out there. I think you deliberately slammed us to detract from your chosen career....

  • azzazel

    how come i knew you were going to tell me that again, like you told me that again tina?

    I am azzazel the scapegoat of all you'll never acknowledge exists within your own soul

    thank you azzazel

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