hullo everybody I'm new here, even though I've been lurking now for several months.
I have to say how afraid I am to post, afraid and ashamed but I feel if I don’t tell my story, I honestly don’t know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now I feel like I've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.
I know my story will shock you but I cant keep it in any longer. I am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation,
during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing
no all that mattered was the good name of the congregation
I honestly cannot imagine christ humiliating me the way I was humiliated during my "trial and judgement" by those "shepherds" - why even christ befriended prostitutes didn’t he?
I'm a single widowed mother with two adorable young children, a boy aged 3 and a girl aged 5, to bring up in this world I am also still quite relatively young and yes , beautiful.
my husband died a slow horrible death from cancer, he was diagnosed not long after we were baptised. his condition got so bad that we ended up on social security as he could no longer work and I had to stay home and care for him.
beside we married young and I have no real job skills, does that make me unintelligent though?
because of not being able to get to the meetings or out in field service we were soon labelled as weak ones spiritually and avoided by almost the entire congregation
the brothers and sisters no longer seemed to care for us any longer once we were baptised
maybe this is because they could no longer count time on us, I don’t know and I don’t wish to appear cynical but after our baptism things did seem to change and we were treated a lot more cooly
but anyway like I said, I'm afraid to post here, I've seen scapegoating on this board as well, just like at the kh so I'm not sure if things are really all they are cracked up to be here in terms of a support group.
i know some people here in particular wont like my observations of themselves
but i've been watching, wondering, should i dare to post?
will i at least find one sympathetic ear, one friend in this world who will simply listen and not judge
I've noticed mommy, tina, farkel and wasasister in particular are major scapegoaters.
trevor and larc's so called psychological "advice", which i've read on the depression forum, seems to be, well lets say a little thin on the ground to say the least. i would never actively seek out their dangerous poorly conceived opinions
expecially when dealing with the totality of human nature this has been at least the one positive from having to go through what i'm going through
abstract opinions dont count for too much in the face of the harsh reality of being penniless and yet responsible for two young helpless thoroughly dependant lives
the same goes for someone like janh, but from a different perspective it seems to me, like so many witnesses all he has to hang onto is his rather flimsy logic, reasoning and purely mental hypothetical abstractions
whatever gets you through the night I suppose but people like him seem just as extreme in the other direction as the witnesses in the opposite.
in other words totally unbalanced, I know he's going to get very upset about me making this observation , telling him how I see him from my point of view and will flip out and abuse me
thats what i'm afraid of
and just like at the kingdom hall everybody else seems to want knife you in the back at the slightest provocation with condemnatory judgemental opinions based entirely on speculation and assumption
and rules about what constitutes believability when confronted with in particular the story of a life lived beyond the realms of their own experience
(though to be fair I do admit there are exceptions and some genuinely nice people here but they seem a little less vocal than the scapegoaters unfortunately)
if I can handle my lonliness I think I'll be ok, i'm so depressed and at my wits end though i'm not sure
maybe my kids will be better off without me
i dont feel like i can turn to god in prayer, the witnesses have completely ruined that for me, i'm unworthy and dishonorable to god in their opinion and right now i cant seem to escape from thinking that way about myself too - they have me believing it myself
I might have to wait and see what sort of reception I get here before I pour my heart and soul out to complete strangers and tell my story
thank you for listening so far, my real true friends if you are out there listening (I hope) azzazel.