new, nowhere to turn, ashamed & afraid

by azzazel 106 Replies latest jw friends

  • azzazel

    hullo everybody I'm new here, even though I've been lurking now for several months.

    I have to say how afraid I am to post, afraid and ashamed but I feel if I don’t tell my story, I honestly don’t know what may happen to me or my children if they lose me, right now I feel like I've got nowhere left to turn and have my doubts about this place as well.

    I know my story will shock you but I cant keep it in any longer. I am recently disfellowshipped for immorality, the subject of a kingdom hall witch -hunt and subsequent congregational humiliation,

    during the process of the judicial committee meetings and proceedings no consideration was given to my real human circumstances nor to the spirit of survival nor human nature nor that of a mother seeking to protect her children from lack of basic fundamentals such as food, shelter and clothing

    no all that mattered was the good name of the congregation

    I honestly cannot imagine christ humiliating me the way I was humiliated during my "trial and judgement" by those "shepherds" - why even christ befriended prostitutes didn’t he?

    I'm a single widowed mother with two adorable young children, a boy aged 3 and a girl aged 5, to bring up in this world I am also still quite relatively young and yes , beautiful.

    my husband died a slow horrible death from cancer, he was diagnosed not long after we were baptised. his condition got so bad that we ended up on social security as he could no longer work and I had to stay home and care for him.

    beside we married young and I have no real job skills, does that make me unintelligent though?

    because of not being able to get to the meetings or out in field service we were soon labelled as weak ones spiritually and avoided by almost the entire congregation

    the brothers and sisters no longer seemed to care for us any longer once we were baptised

    maybe this is because they could no longer count time on us, I don’t know and I don’t wish to appear cynical but after our baptism things did seem to change and we were treated a lot more cooly

    but anyway like I said, I'm afraid to post here, I've seen scapegoating on this board as well, just like at the kh so I'm not sure if things are really all they are cracked up to be here in terms of a support group.

    i know some people here in particular wont like my observations of themselves

    but i've been watching, wondering, should i dare to post?

    will i at least find one sympathetic ear, one friend in this world who will simply listen and not judge

    I've noticed mommy, tina, farkel and wasasister in particular are major scapegoaters.

    trevor and larc's so called psychological "advice", which i've read on the depression forum, seems to be, well lets say a little thin on the ground to say the least. i would never actively seek out their dangerous poorly conceived opinions

    expecially when dealing with the totality of human nature this has been at least the one positive from having to go through what i'm going through

    abstract opinions dont count for too much in the face of the harsh reality of being penniless and yet responsible for two young helpless thoroughly dependant lives

    the same goes for someone like janh, but from a different perspective it seems to me, like so many witnesses all he has to hang onto is his rather flimsy logic, reasoning and purely mental hypothetical abstractions

    whatever gets you through the night I suppose but people like him seem just as extreme in the other direction as the witnesses in the opposite.

    in other words totally unbalanced, I know he's going to get very upset about me making this observation , telling him how I see him from my point of view and will flip out and abuse me

    thats what i'm afraid of

    and just like at the kingdom hall everybody else seems to want knife you in the back at the slightest provocation with condemnatory judgemental opinions based entirely on speculation and assumption

    and rules about what constitutes believability when confronted with in particular the story of a life lived beyond the realms of their own experience

    (though to be fair I do admit there are exceptions and some genuinely nice people here but they seem a little less vocal than the scapegoaters unfortunately)

    if I can handle my lonliness I think I'll be ok, i'm so depressed and at my wits end though i'm not sure

    maybe my kids will be better off without me

    i dont feel like i can turn to god in prayer, the witnesses have completely ruined that for me, i'm unworthy and dishonorable to god in their opinion and right now i cant seem to escape from thinking that way about myself too - they have me believing it myself

    I might have to wait and see what sort of reception I get here before I pour my heart and soul out to complete strangers and tell my story

    thank you for listening so far, my real true friends if you are out there listening (I hope) azzazel.

  • hippikon

    Hi Azazel

    I like the name. It has special sigificance for me. It was one I thought of using myself. Glad I escaped your um Council. But I gues in time youll see my faults too.

    Its a great place to be and it is realy freedom of speech. I think most can relate to your experiences and I think all in all you will mostley get support. I sense you feel a bit raw at the moment but this is a great place to heal. Some on the board get a bit abrasive but it does help you to heal and toughen up.

    Keep up the communication. Were here for you.

    "But it does move"

  • BugEye

    G'Day Azzazel

    I am a newbie also, so I dont really count, but I have recently
    decided that the WTBTS is nowhere near the truth although I knew
    they were wrong in many areas for several years.

    I feel for you and your situation, and unfortunately, it is simply
    proof that it is not Jehovahs org as they claim. Because love is the
    key proof.

    My question to you, is what do you intend to do now and how can I

    I suggest you dont go on a rampage of rebelion as many do, but
    thing of your personal growth from here on in. Your children need
    you most of all now, so they are obviously a high priority.


  • azzazel

    thank you for your welcome hippikon, so far you seem nice, thats one nice person i've met here, but i'm not easily fooled by appearences

    i know the true test of everyones friendship and support will come once i tell my story

    because that story is one of human nature and the darkness of human nature when faced with a life and death situation and no seeming way out but to take the dark course

    where one has put oneself through hell just to survive one day for the sake of the ones they love

    so far from what i've read here it seems no one has really had to experience and put themselves through what i had to do in order to simply survive as a lone parent in this dog eat dog world

    i am scared for myself, my children and to even begin to tell my story here and yet somewhere within me, given similar circumstances, i can't see how any loving mother would have failed to have done the same as myself

    what i did was the last thing i ever dreamed someone like me would do but i was left with no other option

    i cry alone at night as i watch my babys sleep, i cry filled with so much guilt and torment over what i'm doing

    but i know that right now there's simply no other way we're going to make it

    thank you hippikon, azzazel

  • hippikon


    i'm not easily fooled by appearences

    thats not my real picture.

    To be a little more serious. My situation was also life and death. I chose life and left the org. Started making my own decisions and havent looked back

    "But it does move"

  • TMS

    Hello Azzazel:

    Your reluctance to bare your soul in this or any other forum is understandable. We're living in the "Hard World" Cat Stevens sang about years ago and personal agendas are rampant.

    Your "judicial" experience parallels that of many, including my son several years ago. The "shepherds" almost become consumed with a "righteous indignation" at identifying a perceived ahhorrent sin, that they lose sight of the hurting lamb in front of them.

    Without minimizing the profound sadness you must feel on the heels of these tragedies in your life, it must be some consolation knowing that your children are still very young and will greatly benefit from a loving, nurturing mother.


  • thinkers wife
    thinkers wife

    First of all let me welcome you to the board. Let me just say, I have come to learn to know and love many of the people who post here on this board.
    The one's I have come to know on a more personal level have experienced varying degrees of some of the things you have mentioned. Of course, I can't make a sweeping statement, because I don't know your entire story.
    But I must say, that no matter what is involved in your feelings of trepidition, I for one will not judge you. We all do what we have to do to survive and make it through whatever circumstances we are involved in.
    This is certainly a safe place to make your feelings known. If some tend to appear to attack, choose to ignore and savor the warmth of those who don't.
    Everyone expresses themselves in different ways. We may not always know why people respond the way they do. We haven't walked around in their shoes.
    I am glad you chose to post. Perhaps we may be able to give you some small help.
    Please do not be ashamed of yourself. For that is what the WT tries to teach us. We are all human beings and we all have weaknesses. Sometimes it seems we are tested beyond our limitations. But we can make it, if we try to leave behind the mind-set of the WT.
    Sometimes, we act out. And when the elders jump in and judge us for that, I for one think it is a major miscarriage of justice. Sometimes there are just things we have to go through to learn. Or just survive.
    So please feel safe here Azzazel. What does that name mean anyway? I feel kind of foolish asking that, I probably should know. Sounds kind of Biblical. It is ringing a faint bell in my brain.
    Take care of yourself first and foremost, so that you can take care of your little one's.

  • logical


    PLEASE dont let the WTS destroy you. They've made a pretty good job of that so far, dont let them finish it.

    Your kids need you. They could go and be raised by other women, but they need YOU, their natural mother. Just give them the love they deserve. They are your gift. Treasure them.

    God will help you, go to Him in prayer and ask Him for your help. Im sure you will also find support you need on here, there are some nice people.

    Take care

  • thinkers wife
    thinkers wife

    I am so proud of you!!!

  • azzazel

    thank you tmh - you see i did what i did and what i have to still do out of love and yet the brothers, to use one of their terms, imputed wrong motives saying i was motivated by evil and wickedness and sin

    its easy to impute a wrong motive when you are not standing in the others shoes

    as i said my motive has always been and will always be my deep love for my children

    what i am doing to survive must remain my secret until i decide to tell it

    not even my family knows what i'm doing, thats whats hard, having no one to talk to

    to have someone to talk to, i can trust, thats all i need right now
    i feel so hopelessly alone and isolated within, azzazel

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