HELLO? HELLO? "ALL" SIGN IN???????
I'll lap you a dozen times! You go whipping me with that barbed tongue and, and, and, (oh, I'm talkin about swimmin, case you wondered) She you got me all flustered talking about you and spring chicken...
Hello to everyone out there. I live outside the Boston area and have been DFed for about 20 years. I first got involved with JW's as a teenager and DFed in early 20's. After being DFed I entered college and relocated to Massachusetts upon graduation. It was during this time that out of loneliness that I tried to go back to their "Truth". Each time I was made to feel like dirt and would soon quit going to meetings. Last years my eyes were opened to their lies and now I just scan the internet just to keep tabs on any changes and such, to their way of thinking.
Last week I found this site and have much enjoyment reading the postings each day and seeing how there are others out there with similar experiences as myself. I have many interesting stories and personal observations that I will soon comment on in other postings.
So once again hello and thanks for being here....
WELCOME, KD! Glad you found us. I look forward to your interesting posts!
the story of Wounded Heart
i guess i should just go ahead and tell about myself--just take the plunge as it were. ive been here since witnet closed down. lurking mostly tho did find the courage to get a membership but not quite courageous enough to keep posting. AUGH! ok, ok, here goes.
im 34 and have been in borg since age 4. i started having major depression in 91 and still battle it today. had many problems that ive had to face. including my mom dying. it all got to be soooo awful. abuse issues came to light just before and since her death. needed consolation and none was to be had. still have dad and brother...at the time we were not close. today we are. so much going on in head then/now. i isolated myself whenever possible. and they(so called bros & sis) did nothing to include me in their families/groups of friends. all i heard was how lowly i was...not enough service, things would get better if only i was out in service, etc. stopped service and school 3yrs before i actually drifted off. some of what i was dealing with and some of what i still deal with are anxiety disorder, phobias, panic attacks, depression, ocd, low selfesteem, insomnia, self hatred, paranoia (think this was more jw induced), and a dissociative disorder which later i found to be MPD/DID. are you still breathing? it gets better. physically i am ALWAYS in major pain. had surguries that corrected a tiny problem but left major problems in its wake. course then i was dealing with flashbacks, fear, fear, more fear, and all the usual that comes from being sexually, emotional, physically abused as a child. BUT i still hung on. still believed that the org would help me thru it all. oh, i was so nieve! little did i know!
growing up i daydreamed during all meetings. played with my pencils and other things in my purse---making stories and keeping my self entertained in my head. was blessed with being able to quickly find an answer in a paragraph even if i didnt know what topic it was. around age 16 i noticed all my friends were getting dipped and so thought it was the thing i needed to do. that damn peer pressure again. i worked hard for 3 years to get dipped. it wasnt til about a week before that i found out i was supposed to have already dedicated myself in prayer. no one told me that! and they had already approved my dip. never did understand the "soul" kind of stuff. didnt pay enough attention to what was said. in retrospect, it was my service records they were most interested. no one check to really see how i was doing in that regard. since age 16 i had a problem with, ummm, lets just say the *M* word. didnt even know what i was doing or what it was called until about age 18. when i found out what it was and how it was viewed i thought i was condemed to die. because i was committing "fornication" in my mind. but i started fighting against nature. and was actually sucessful for the 3mos prior to being dipped. the shame i felt. the selfhatred. the fear. it goes so deep--even to this day. then came dipping day. i should have listened to my body and my heart. i knew i was not worthy of this. the fear in my heart was to the point of exploding. my body was fighting against this very strongly. in fact, in a weird, very weird experience: the night before dipping i had the ungodly discharge that was BRIGHT green. i knew then and there i was gonna die.
after dipping, my lack of *selfcontrol* came back with full force and with full vengence. it was 10 long, tortuous years before i confessed to an "e" about my problem. thinking i would receive absolution. HA boy oh boy was i NIEVE!!!! it took another 7 tortuous (emotionally) years till i actually came to resolution about it being natural. just recently i heard that it is about 97.9999% of women and 99.9999% men practice this natural act. which to me, says that every damn "e" was practicing it while i was suffering in mind, heart, spirit. those that i turned to neglected to tell me it was not a sin to be dfd for. i fell right into the cult thinking. whatever the borg said had to be true.
i drifted away about 3-4yrs ago. the final insult was being ignored (after almost 30yrs as a jw) when i tried to talk (light topics) with others. i was positively ignored. even those that were supposed to help ignored me. the reaction i had was that i became psychotic each and every time i went to a meeting. i became deeply suicidal. the more i went to meetings the more these feelings were enforced. and i just wanted the suffering to be over with. suicide was the solution. but before i made such a dramatic move i stopped going to meetings. and the psychotic feelings lessened and lessened. i instead turned to worldly family to find support, reconnected old family ties and found a wonderful reason to live. my cousin...a little girl then (11 now). it was her love that kept me from making the biggest mistake in my life (suicide). her love saved me. i am eternally grateful to her. we are the best of friends now. i just wish she could be 5 again. shes growing up so quickly.
so here i am. almost 4yrs away from the borg. grateful that i drifted away. still have family in borg that i love dearly and would not wish to put them in a difficult situation. i started at witnet. found this site when witnet closed down. i have lurked more cause of "borg" fear.
i always imagined id just go back when i was ready. the more i hear of how they have and continue to treat others the less i want to be part of that. i was guilty of un-christ-like behavoir to others. even doing/saying/thinking/believing the same stuff that others thought of ME. sometimes i believe i deserved how they acted toward me. but i think thats just more borg thinking and indoctrination. i try really hard not to believe it. hard to do somedays. and i feel really bad that i was part of their hurtfulness. i really thought i was doing right. guess i should chalk it up to life lessons huh?
it is disgusting the way that the borg covers over the awful things they partake in. that they harbor child molesterss and other abusers and such.
TMI? yes most likely. but i feel it necessary to let others know they are not alone. that there are others out there that have gone thru some of the same crap. i identified with lots of what others have posted here. even tho i was lurking and did not talk to them, they hit on issues that i have dealt with or am dealing with. they have given me courage to plunge in and tell my story. the only way i feel real comfortable doing this is lay it all out there. partly because, if you all are gonna reject me then you can do so quickly. for i cannot bare to get too attached only to learn i dont fit in. but mostly cause if there is someone out there that identifies with even 1 aspect of what i have gone thru, then its worth it.
i have no interest in the prophacies they failed in, no interest in the timeline of things anymore. i care about people. i care about being christ-like toward others and showing love the way christ did. the rest will work itself out.
my hope is that ill find good friends here. fingers crossed. lol.
Kath aka Wounded Heart
UGH. ok now to actually hit the post buttonn. good thing theres an edit button. LOL. ok, ok, deeeeeeep breath! <click>
Hi Kath, welcome. I just want to say how much I appreciate you sharing your story, and even though you may not realize it you also encourage others when they hear that they've gone through some of the same thing. I hope you know how much stronger you are now despite some of the terrible experiences you've gone through, and the fact that you're still willing to love says a lot. Anyways, it's nice to have you. Look forward to talking with you soon.
I've only been around a week or so, but I'm fascinated by the apparent fact that active and ex- Jay Dubs can post here absent the threat of being censored by some kinda self-appointed, self-righteous, censor whose chief function is to render doilies for the mind.
I'm not French, I'm red-blooded southern. And I'm not an "ex" anything. I'm a writer by profession, and a seeker after spiritual truth by inclination. I was raised a JW, thus had little choice. Elsewhere I've said the straw that broke the camel's back was growing a beard, which led to all sorts of conflicts and questions to add to all the others I already had.
I had observed a lifetime of hypocrisy, double-dealing, back stabbing, lying, doctrinal inconsistencies and outright lying, deceit, and theological U-turning. And an incredible way of applying ancient prophecies (such as distribution of certain pamphlets being the "fire" that God caused to burn the heads of non-believers; JW officials going off to jail and then being released was in fulfillment of that business about the "two witnesses") to themselves. In short, what I saw was a dysfunctional, controlling cult affixing itself to the backs of people willing to lie down and be walked on. I knew I wasn't one of those and I bugged out.
That was a great day.
Nice to meetcha!
Thanks for sharing! You are definately a survivor and an inspirition to anyone who values their fellow humans over abstract rules and laws promulgated by those that just have to control people. Hope you stick around cause people like you are the spice of life.
thanks Mark, thanks Carmel, i appreciate the warm welcomes. i look forward to getting to know you all.
see you on the boards! :-)
Wherebouts in the US you live? Anywhere near wounded knee? sorry, couldn't help that!!! You've gotta be careful around me. I get to picking on the old waiting warrior and sometimes there's collateral damage to the onlooking gallery~ She's an old wrinkled battle axe who has one foot in the grave and draggin the other around. But she manages to stand upright long enough to hurl insults at me!
WH aka Kath,
You go girl!!! I know it took a lot for you to share that. Know that I have "been there done some of that". Love to you!!!
Francoise thank you for sharing too.