Is it Time to Stop "Understanding" JW Relatives, and Tell it Like it is? (page 7)

never a jw

As a non-JW is hard for me to give advice because even though I know well JW's doctrines and history, I have never walked in their shoes. My observation is directed more toward the greater good than to the interest of the individual. I believe it's time to make a concerted effort to stop the intimidation and the power that JW's have had over ex-JW's. The more people come out and start stating in public and privately their strong opposition to the shunning doctrine, the sooner the positive changes will come about. GO FOR IT Cofty

still thinking

Part of me wonders if it is just an exercise in making me feel better with little or no realistic hope of change. But maybe that's reason enough?

I am only up to page one cofty...But so far I have to say. This IS all about making you feel better, and fair enough. But you already know they are who they are, and how much they have been brain washed. And there is little chance of anything you do changing that.

If you do this...it IS just for you. It is about you taking your power back. So far, it has been held to ransom by the WTS, you have left, but they still have power in your life through your parents. Your parents need to know that you love them and always will...but you will no longer be dictated to by the WTS.

You are making the terms now...not them. They can either take them or leave them. And I think you already know the answer to that.

So based on that....how important is it to you to stand your ground? How old are your parents? And can you live with the consequences of this action. Only you can answer that. Is no further contact at all ok with you? Or are you able to live with very limited contact on their terms?

Part of me feels that if you do this and loose all contact with your parents the WTS have won...and part of me feels that your parents need to understand what they are really doing from your perspective.

I don't think it should be about ultimatums, maybe expressing yourself just needs to be about sharing how you feel and being honest. They need to hear how this has affected you and be given the opportunity to discuss it with you. If you don't say what you feel to them. You may always regret it. But prepare to be disappointed if you don't get any response back. They may not know how to deal with the consequences of their actions.

Sorry, I probably haven't been very helpful...but I don't want you to do something you'll regret either. I think you just need to establish exactly what you want to acheive with the letter. To get things off your chest? To share your feelings? Or to establish new boundaries on your terms?

still thinking

A few years after I was DFd I spoke to them on the telephone and he said " It would have been easier for us if you had died ".

OH cofty....

nugget

It is true that respecting their position just ratifies it. They show no respect for the thoughts and feelings of those they shun whilst behaving in a way that does them no credit. I recently told my mother why I felt shunning was a disgusting practice and that the hate it engenders was the most unchristian thing I had experienced. How could I consider returning to an organisation that rejected my son because he had aspergers and that bred hate within families. If true Christians show love amongst themselves then anything that deviates from this requirement will identify a group as unchristian.

How can df'ing someone to make an example of them be right? How can a process be scriptural when there is no scriptural basis for it? How can something so arbitrary with far reaching consequences be treated so casually by congregations allowing elders to punish those they don't like but protect the dignity of family members?

Df'ing is a stench and those that practice shunning need to see themselves as others see them. It is there as a control mechanism nothing else and sometimes it is helpful to let people see what they have become.

Yes care is needed to get the thoughts expressed so that they listen and take in what was said but sometimes we sacrifice ourselves to allow others to maintain a fictional dignity they do not deserve or actually possess.

cantleave

I am with the nearest and dearest on this one /\ /\ /\ ....

Why give their dispicable behaviour any validation, they need to know that what they are doing is bullying and unacceptable. They don't care for your coicess why respect theirs?

cofty

Thanks for a lot of helpful feedback and comments.

The only thing now standing in the way of that letter getting finished is laziness/apathy.

Vidqun

Cofty, now that I am disfellowshipped, I noticed that it is totally unscriptural. Perhaps you want to add a few scriptural thoughts to your letter.

First of all, when Thomas doubted, he was helped, not kicked out. When the superfine apostles critizised Paul, he reasoned with them. He did not kick them out even though he had the authority to do so. See what Paul had to say about it (2 Cor. 10:8; 13:10).

Secondly, the context of 2 John 7-11 is about the antichrist, not for those that disagree with you. A footnote in the NET Bible makes the meaning clear: "Do not give him any greeting does not mean to insult the person. It means "do not to greet the person as a fellow Christian" (which is impossible anyway since the opponents are not geniune believers in the author's opinion).

Thirdly, when Paul says quit mixing in company with fornicators he meant a brother that is a fornicator or a greedy person or an idolator or a reviler or a drunkard or an extortioner, not even eating with such a man (1 Cor. 5:9-13). Cofty, I don't know you that well, but somehow I don't think you qualify.

Fourth and last point, remind them that the "new light" indicates that the GB = faithful and discreet slave should dispense food (and not judge). They will only be allowed to judge when they are appointed over all his belongings, something still in future. Again Paul asked: "You men already have your fill, do you? You are already rich, are you? You have begun ruling as kings without us, have you?" (1Cor. 4:8). Perhaps also a reminder that God is the judge (Acts 7:7). He has appointed one to judge, and that one is Jesus Christ (Acts 10:42). Interestingly, not even Michael (which they believe to be Jesus Christ) would judge Satan the Devil, but said: "May Jehovah rebuke you" (Jude 9).

I know you don't believe in all this, but sometimes it becomes necessary to fight fire with fire.

LV101

Cofty --- Haven't read all reply posts here but know you're in my thoughts, hopes and fantasies your effort will be successful. I don't think you have anything to lose confronting them. I don't think they're capable of change but maybe it happens with aged parents in the cult -- don't know. I do know aging parents out of desperation, fear (they need help, safety) --- in the case of toxic parents (my case) not because of any love/respect for their child just because they're desperate.

It's stressful and accepting the reality is the worse. There are enough crazy, jealous, mean, psycho, dysfunctional, etc., non-JW parents/siblings in the world (how I know having suffered for many yrs.). I know it's not any consolation but at least in your case it's not because they're evil, non-loving, parents on their own accord but because of that loser cult -- I understand the flip side makes it worse and a greater loss to you and those who are victims. Makes me ill thiking about. If there could only be a movie, testimonial, whatever, of many of these shunning cases as required viewing/testing before folks are allowed tax exemptions (I know, they have all the power and it's not realistic) but the world needs to be educated/warned about them in as many ways as possible.

The family you've made for yourself all on your own --- your wife, children, friends here/elsewhere --- ones you've educated re/science, health, etc., that need you are your family and your focus and as you know it's hard giving up that fantasy word HOPE of having, enjoying, that family of origin like we long for that all normal people seem to have. Pain/tears, acceptance of the truth is the key and pathway to freedom.

slimboyfat

Bastards. Sorry for saying that Cofty but that's how I feel about the situation. It is a no win situation and I think you're damned whatever you do unfortunately. The Watchtower have rigged the game and the umpire is bent.

Have you got brothers and sisters who are going to look after your parents in their old age? Or will they come running to you holding the "necessary family business" card when they need your help?

On the plus side, I am glad to hear you are recovering well enough that they feel shunning may resume. Your health is the best news of all.

cofty

Thanks again for all your input.

SBF - I'm keeping well but currently waiting on scan results with more tests to come later, so an anxious couple of weeks ahead.

I think it was the phone call about my uncle's funeral that got me thinking. I realise now they wanted me to go and play happy families in front of all the extended non-JW family - then straight back to shunning as soon as the tea and sandwiches at Leith Docker's Club were finished. I can't do pretend.

Is it Time to Stop "Understanding" JW Relatives, and Tell it Like it is?

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