I like *losts* advice on writing the letter to your parents, but not sending it quite yet. And also writing one and burning it with all your feelings in it. I can't imagine the pain of being shunned by family, my husband's family goes through spurts of talking to him and not. Ultimately, you need to do what you feel is best for you.
Is it Time to Stop "Understanding" JW Relatives, and Tell it Like it is?
by cofty 93 Replies latest members private
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soft+gentle
cofty, thanks for sharing your dilemma and asking this question "Is it time to Stop "Understanding" JW relatives, and tell it Like it is?
that and you opening post certainly gave me a lightbulb moment. have you noticed how Jehovahs witnesses make interpersonal conflict personal when they want to preserve the organisation and then they make it generalised confict when they want to distance themselves from something that means a lot to them personally (for example they will generalise that families are generally sources of conflict and is a sign the world is going down the tube). Jehovahs witnesses tend to oscillate between these two positions in their social dealings and always the survival of the organisation looms over them. On the other hand you have reached the stage where you can depersonalise in your oscillations within your social dealings and bring in some objectivity. I suggest using this knowledge in your dealings with family because imo it is only when Jehovahs witnesses come to see how personal relationships like yours are also part of generalised conflict that threatens their organisation that they can be helped to move to the position of depersonalising conflict enough to continue to talk to you as a family member even if their motive is to preserve their org becasue in time they will come to develop valuable skills that enable them to be somewhat objective about their organisation when there is a need. Talking about nature and natural events are a good source for depersonalisng in this way.
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LouBelle
I treat the family that shun me as strangers. I haven't spoken to over half my family in 7 years. I don't have a clue what is going on with them or anything. I wasn't going to let myself get hung up on that 'game'.
I have seen them in the street many times or at the shops, but I no longer know them. I don't consider them to even be my family anymore.
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Qcmbr
Cofty - I agree with you. Its taken me a long time to confront a truth, that we enable and empower immoral, manipulative bullying by our responses to it. If we accept the bullying behaviour and simply bend to it, we condone it. Religious bullying hides behind respect, it pretends that you should privilege its right to encourage arseholery in your life while utterly denying your right to respond. Scumbag religion likes to give your kids 'My first book of bible stories' but refuses to contemplate the consequences of 'The Origin of Species' and in the case of the JWs allows them to twist normal, natural relationships with kith and kin into an act of brutal sacrificail worship, it makes the innocent disbeliever the scapegoat and offering for their ritual.
Treat it like head lice, respond, be swift and draw the boundary lest the infection is allowed to take root and spread. imo.
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Phizzy
Dear Cofty, I too thought of writing a letter such as this to my JW family, but did not , more out of laziness , just didn't get round to it.
Since then relations have got to a more "normal" level than they were, so I don't now feel the need.
My advice, for what it is worth , is, if you must write, to write something along the lines you have outlined, but pepper it with expressions of love for them, soften the tone, and ask them to justify what they are doing as Black Sheep says above.
Shunning as practiced by JW's is done purely out of fear, fear mainly of what other JW's may think, so your idea of simply meeting up in a neutral place is an excellent one.
Whatever you do I wish you luck, what I am determined to do is challenge as much cult-speak etc as I can when I converse with JW's, family or not, as I used to give them far too much "understanding", and that is not kind or loving, people need to have their false beliefs challenged, and their actions, if they go against natural morality, as shunning does, the right to a family life is a basic Human Right, ("Caesars Law", which they should obey), to enjoy the love of our family is a basic human need.
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BroMac
After 17yrs I dont think a letter will make any difference to how you are treated by your parents, I think It will however draw a line and put you in a position where you are assertive and know exactly where you stand, because for the past 17yrs they have been in control, they have been the ones to decide when to get in touch. When they do make contact it is only because they have decided that it is OK. Well it's not OK, ever.
One thing I noticed that stands out as a perfect 'Time To Stop "Understanding" and Tell it Like it is' would be you mentioned your illness and time in hospital. When you were having your treatment Mum and Dad were there. Why? They love you, certainly they do, but it was because life and death situations come under 'emergency contact'. You could have been dying from your illness in hospital and they would be there to say good bye, but not say hello while you are ALIVE and meet for lunch in Edinburgh. Jehovah's Witness view of Normal
Makes me sad Cofty, wishing you well.
BroMac
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zeb
cofty. there is a line that jumped at me. "thinking of you"..
I had been seriously ill and after went to the kh. One sr said the usual nice to see you etc and then 'we have been thinking of you'. It was utterly lame and so was my response.. "thats nice"
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cofty
Thanks for your thoughts everybody, I appreciate it.
I do have the strong feeling that its too easy to unwittingly play the Watchtower's game.
I will read your points again later and give it some more thought.
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tornapart
Just my pennyworth Cofty, as it's your life and only you know how you really feel in this.....
Write down a list, even just a short one weighing up the pros and cons as to whether you should write the letter or not. You've had 17 years of this minimal contact, as others have said maybe a lne will be drawn and you will get no more contact at all or else you will continue exactly as before. It really depends what you want out of it.
You may find that writing a letter really accomplishes nothing much at all but on the other hand you may feel that you can 'clear the air' so to speak.
Weigh up what everyone has said and write all the points down, positives and negatives, think about it, maybe write the letter and then decide whether to send it or not. It may be therapeutic just to write it and then tear it up.
Wish you all the best Cofty!
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ABibleStudent
Cofty - Here is the offer I intend to make - Regular normal family contact or none at all. I will never attempt to undermine their trust in the Watchtower and they must never preach.
Hi Cofty, I agree with your sentiments, but disagree with you about giving them an ultimatium. Have you consider just saying "Although I have a lot of resentments about being raised a JW, I also love you both and have very fond memories of (insert what you remember). I want us to be a normal family who show love for each other and go on holidays together. I will not discuss religion with you, because I love you and life is too wonderful to waste talking about the Watchtower."
Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,
Robert