by cofty 93 Replies latest members private
Hmmmm ...they think it is loving to shun???????
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I beg to differ. I have shunned, not often, but yes I did!
What did I feel? That I was helping them? NO!
That I was making them feel welcome to come back? No!
That this would be good for them? No!
That it would help their families to cope better? NO!
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I remember the feeling more like smugness, priggish,
& holier-than-thou!
I think even more very unattractive things could be said by
others ....if we are honest.
Ugly religion!
clarity
DONT send that letter. Put it on the shelf and leave it there. In a couple of weeks/months .. take it down, read it again, then put it back on the shelf.
I think that is good advice. Theraputic too.
I think WTS is at a serious cliffhanger point of time. MANY devout JWs are having serious doubts about the doctrine and the constant changing. They still "talk the talk" in a public setting, but get them in a private chit chat about aging and peers dying and they'll open with "we sure didn't think we'd still be here in this system today, did we?"
Still, they don't know "where else to go" and older ones like your parents are likely better off maintaining their relationship with their lifelong friends.
I feel your pain.
Doc
Unfortunately, in the end I don't think it will matter with your family. They will do what they believe to be required of them. Take care.
Cofty you sound angry, and why not? You are being lied to, by your parents. You know the truth now, that shunning is nothing to do with love, or helping people return to the org. NO, shunning is about two things,
1) shielding the congregation from any dissenting views
2) punishment to the shunned & a warning to anyone secretly harbouring anti WT tthoughts
thats all.
how many people would leave the WTBTS today, if there were no penalties for leaving?
All good questions,
you want to call them on the bullsh*t?
You've got nothing to lose, you've been out for 17 years & nothing's changed.
why not be heard?
Do you really still love the people who've shunned you for years though? I only ask this because I've realised recently that I almost hate the people that have shunned me, and that includes my parents. I hate that they messed up my childhood, I hate that they have never been "there" for me like any normal parent. I hate that I have had to smile & act inoffensive on the rare times I've spoken to them. I hate how the onus to act carefully neutral is always on me & if I say the wrong thing they will walk away. I hate how In their minds I have no feelings, I am simply an apostate.
Thanks for your honesty Pickler.
Do I love or hate my parents? It ought to be an easy question but it isn't. I think the answer is I'm indifferent towards them. Maybe that's worse than hate - at least hate requires passion.
I have no desire to get them out of the borg. At their age they would be better off staying put with all their many friends. Being JWs is their whole identity. 17 years ago I sat down with my dad in his study for 2 or 3 hours and we argued about doctrine. In the end he conceded defeat but he said "life outside the organisation is unthinkable".
A few years after I was DFd I spoke to them on the telephone and he said "It would have been easier for us if you had died".
They made no effort to stay in touch with our son and daughter and yet a few years ago my mum started writing and texting them both. Our son has made the effort to go and visit them a couple of times but our daughter can't see the point.
I appreciate all the comments. I think I am going to send the letter. As I said at the outset I will do it as kindly as possible. I will probably avoid making it sound like an ultimatum but I think its time for some honesty. I hate pretence more than anything.
cofty, this is exactly how i feel and exactly how i deal with JW's. more power to you.
Cofty,
I Totally understand your decision to choose not to understand their behavior. Your on the right track. Keep the religion out of it and focas on your parents' behavior. However you mentioned:
Here is the offer I intend to make - Regular normal family contact or none at all. I will never attempt to undermine their trust in the Watchtower and they must never preach.
Hon, you can't give them an ultimatium because that is exactly what they are doing to you. I know you so much want to have a normal relationship with your parents, but it just is not going to happen. The fact is you NEVER did have a normal relationship with your parents. They left you a long, long time ago. They left you the second they decided that your happiness was less important than a printing company. They chose to not understand the basic needs of a child, yep you never had them. Have a mock funeral or whatever you need to do to start the mourning process.
It would have been easier for us if you had died
They should listen to themselves. You should die to make it easier on them? Pretty selfish.
Hello, cofty,
I am late on the post. Looked back over the thread on your cancer struggles of a year past. Well. That is an event that changes one's world in many ways.(As you know I am struggling through a stage III cancer myself waiting to see it they have to "salvage" any tumor left over from chemo&radiation.)
What you have dealt with in your parent's response to your health crisis is heartbreaking to think of. I know they are emotionally compromised throught their years of indoctrination---If only they could see the contrast to the people they so avoid--the worldly ones!
It has been wonderful that I have had "worldly" friends step up after the years that I was AWOL from their company--I was busy with "Jehovah's People". I had to move away from our farm for treatment (here I have running water). The kindness I have met is overwhelming. Rides to treatment, food, financial help even. Just their good wishes and good company makes me weep with gratitude.
It is such a contrast to the vast silence of "the Friends" who have not any sense of the basic decency of simply loving without an agenda. They also know I am sick. But they are afraid.
For your parents not to realize they have the power to act on the love they say they feel is painful. How, if the literature says"necessary business" allows contact, HOW does it not occur to JW's that the FDS does not consider love a more pressing, holy business?
I wish your parents had a way to ask how much free agency their God grants to THEM in seeing you. Why SHOULD they grant the FDS power to pronounce business transactions allowable and not human compassion? What scripture prefers a crass consideration to be necessary but practical love to be non-essential?
I am so sorry for these troubles you are suffering.
Please let us know your scan results.
I will be watching for your health up date.
Your friend, Maeve
Cofty I like your honesty & integrity.
You are also a parent, leading by example.
good luck to you
