Is it Time to Stop "Understanding" JW Relatives, and Tell it Like it is?

by cofty 93 Replies latest members private

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  cofty

  cog - Thanks for the tips but I haven't said anything yet about how I will present the letter apart from reasuring Loz that it will be as kindly as possible. I am not feeling anger about it at all. I have been out for 17 years. I am not talking about adressing an acute sutuation. If I do nothing then in another 17 years either me or my parents or both will be gone so if allowing them to behave this way unchallenged isn't going to change anything then why not just say what I'm thinking?

  Dagney - Its a good question. I don't know if they seriously think that shunning might make me want to go back but that is what they are taught to think isn't it?

  Darth - I'm not a fader.

  Thanks for all the feedback so far. I am still in 2 minds about it and appreciate your thoughts.
• 

  Hortensia

  Well, I think it's important to be authentic. If you do nothing, they'll just keep up the same routine. Tell the truth; let them deal with it or dig themselves deeper into the wtbts. At this point you have nothing to lose.

  I like your letter. Truth often comes across as harsh, because we are so used to being mealy-mouthed and never saying what we really think. I've spent many years learning to be a direct communicator and learning to appreciate direct communication from others.
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  cognisonance

  I'm glad you aren't feeling angry. I guess I must have misunderstood the situation a bit from your response in my thread earlier. 17 years is a long time to be shunned. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and for so long!

  I just don't know if it will do any good (about the telling them it won't do any good to shun you because you aren't comming back). They might think like my parents.... "well he feels that way now... but maybe something will change in the future and he just doesn't know it..." Still, I don't see any harm in telling them that.
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  cofty

  Hortensia - That is how I feel about it at the moment. Part of me wonders if it is just an exercise in making me feel better with little or no realistic hope of change. But maybe that's reason enough?

  Cog - You are right I did say I was angry about it on your thread hmmmmm!

  I certainly won't write the letter in anger. Thanks.
• 

  Oubliette

  Cofty: Here is the offer I intend to make - Regular normal family contact or none at all. I will never attempt to undermine their trust in the Watchtower and they must never preach.

  As you might imagine, I totally understand why you feel the way you do. Shunning IS wrong. Shunning IS counterproductive.

  If you communicate this message to them don't be surprised to get "none at all" as their response.
• 

  cofty

  Oubliette - Yes that will probably be the outcome.
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  whathappened

  While I can feel exactly the way you do, I would take out the all or nothing part. Just say that you will not try to sway them away from the religion and tell them that others do it all the time, and they do. I hear numerous reports of JW's not shunning their own relativies. My daughter and son in law don't shun me. I have agreed to stop bashing the Watchtower Society, to stop trying to get them to leave and I get to see them. That is better than never seeing my kid.
• 

  flipper

  COFTY- I totally understand the frustration of what you're going through from being shunned for so long. 16 years is a hell of a long time. My JW daughters have shunned me for over 9 years now.

  Although my 2 older JW parents don't shun me- a couple years ago I became more forthright and blunt about disclosing to them my doubts regarding the organization. I opened up about the child abuse issue, blood transfusions, dissing of college education, and the " overlapping generation " theory. I told them I'd only open up to them if they didn't form a JC meeting against me if I opened up, as they were curious what my doubts were. To my surprise they respected my views and didn't try to change me or argue against my views.

  I wouldn't try that with my two daughters as they would high tail it to my self righteous older brother and he'd use it as a wedge to separate me from my older parents. So each family dynamic is different. I admire you for wanting to open up as it does get exhausting walking on eggshells with these people year after year. Good luck to you bro. We are here for you
• 

  villagegirl

  Cofty is doing the right thing.

  Allowing himself to be emotionally amd intellectually abused,

  which is what shunning and his childhood was about, and

  "waiting" for some better result to happen is remaining a victim.

  Waiting for his family to "see the light" enforces their idea that they are

  right and he is wrong. They need to at least hear, or hopefully,

  understand that their self-righteous attitude does not make them superior.

  It makes them the very opposite of what Christianity is supposed to be about.

  Describing blow by blow what happened to you, and how you saw the WT

  for what it is, may be it will get through to somebody.
• 

  *lost*

  cofty

  I would say.

  DONT send that letter. Put it on the shelf and leave it there. In a couple of weeks/months .. take it down, read it again, then put it back on the shelf.

  Meantime, write another letter and it it put down ALL your true thoughts, feelings, anger, hate, hurt, everything ..... then burn it.

  You can send letter #1 anytime you want to down the road.

  Once you are 100% certain you definitely want to sever the cord and let them off to infinitey and beyond, fair enough. You will do so with clarity of mind and no regrets.

  As it it is for now, there is still a doorway. They can still reach out to you and contact you should the need arise. there is still a glimmer of hope.

  Things change, people change. WT is heading for a shitstorm soon. Your parents may come to realise TTATT, when the Big A doesn't come next year. They might wake up. Then you can help them. They might not.

  It's hard when our loved ones can just cast us aside. It hurts.

  But when the bridge is burned there is never any going back.

  What if you found out your mom got cancer and was dying ? at least as it is you would be able to go see her. You know why they are like they are. Brainwashed, fucked up by the WT cult. They don't.