Warning: This is extremely long. Please forgive me!
Oh my gosh you guys! I just checked in (feeling quite blue tonight,very lonly) and you all just picked me up and put a little wag in my tail, a little zip in my "doo dah".
Honeybee, it is like we are made from the same mold! Almost identical experiences! It was like you have a window into my heart and I appreciate so much you taking the time to reach out to me. It is so easy to read a post sometimes and agree or think of your experience, but quite another to share and build up another! I really needed that. I too have a spiritual need that must be filled for me to be happy. Unfortunatly the last couple weeks we havn't been able to go to a church. One week we were sick, the next out of state meeting witness family for a big get together. (They don't know how far we've jumped ship yet. Just think we're inactive.) So MUCH stress with all of that and I would have gone to almost ANY church while we were there to just shake out some of the jw brainwashing I had to listen to the whole time. Anyhow, here we are back home. Feeling depressed all week. Cried a little tonight about the family situation and no friends while hubby held me in embrace (yeah, a self-made pity party with all the monthly hormones to fuel it). I was so hungry to read the bible (couldn't bear to pack a NWT for the trip or my new NIV for fear someone would question me if they saw it) I grabbed the Gideon bible they wonderfully had in each of the hotel rooms to read before bed. Upon getting home though and the depression, I haven't really opened it but once to search for a particular scripture. Just lost the feeling of the wonderful message for us. Kept associating it with jws for some reason. Maybe subconsciously like i was undeserving. And then we get a friendly visit from an elder and ms today with 17 magazines and the new tract along with the dates for the assemblies (until next August!) . Thank God the ms's wife and kids came too and my kids were outside playing and so her babies wanted to so we sat outside on the porch to watch them while my poor dear hubby entertained the elder and ms inside.
Oh well. Probably time for the co visit and they must be keeping one issue of each magazine in our cubby at the literature counter to bring to us (17!) I'm wondering if they count them as placements seeing we've been inactive and haven't attended since January! I think xmas weekend was my last meeting.
Sorry to ramble, but it seems like they show up when I'm lowest.Always make me second guess my decision. But this time, I feel better. I glanced at some of the articles "Have you left Jehovah" in the september issue i think. I involuntary shake a little, but my mind, MY MIND, not theirs (like you said) tells me what an evil scare tactic it is. Follow us or God will kill you. I'm so tired of the fear. I know you are right about reading the bible (at least for me) that you see things so much differently when God directs you in your reading instead of thinking you have to have the WT interpretation. It is still hard for me to grasp. I've taken communiion twice at the newest church we've attended, and was so thankful to christ for letting me a part. But then WT indoctrination gets mixed up in my head and takes away the joy and I am a beaten broken reed once again. BUT YOU HAVE LIFTED ME OUT OF THE MIRE. You reminded me I am worthwhile even if I have lost the most dear friendships of those who know we have not been faithful JW teachings. There is no love there. Only fear. Always afraid Jehovah will kill you,instead of the love we have even as parents as you so beautifully illustrated. I will read and reread all of these wonderful posts and hold them dear. Everyone of you!
Thank you so much!
P.S. Poppers- I never thought about that! Whiskers are great! What insight you have!