Is it Time to Stop "Understanding" JW Relatives, and Tell it Like it is?

by cofty 93 Replies latest members private

• 

  cofty

  By "understand" I mean in the sense of tolerance or sympathy as in, "I understand why you shun me even if I don't agree with it".

  I am in the process of writing to my mum and dad with the intention of being completely honest. I am no longer going to tolerate their cultish behaviour.

  I have been out for about 17 years. They have shunned me almost completely apart from the odd occasion when they have been able to play the "necessary family business" card.

  When I was hospital they came to visit and acted as if we were a normal happy family. Since then not a word until I got a phone call last week to tell me an uncle had died. Dad said mum was asking after me and they thought about me a lot. I told him I was very disappointed they had not been in touch for months. My dad replied that they were happy I was going to be OK so they didn't feel it was necessary to be in touch. I said "thanks for letting me know" about my uncle and hung up on him. I didn't go to the funeral.

  In my letter I intend to communicate the following..

  1. Shunning will NEVER work - I will NEVER return to the Watchtower. Shunning is counter-productive.

  2. I think it is appalling to shun a family member becasue they don't share your beliefs. Like every other normal parent I don't "understand" it or sympathise with their position.

  3. I regret every hour of my childhood I was forced to sit through meetings rather than play and do things normal children do. I resent every time I was scolded or smacked for fidgeting or talking during long boring meetings and I deeply begrudge the countless hours I was dragged around from door-to-door.

  Here is the offer I intend to make - Regular normal family contact or none at all. I will never attempt to undermine their trust in the Watchtower and they must never preach.

  I am not grateful for their occasional communication and I have no interest in people who can switch relationships on and off at will.

  17 years of playing their game has resulted in status quo. What is there to lose?
• 

  Jomavrick

  Cofty,

  I suppose it depends on your family and if you think that will work with them. The whole thing with shunning is so illogical as is much of the religion. I have often thought of turning the tables on the whole thing and telling the Elders who stop by next time that I held my own judicial hearing and have Disfellowshipped the entire Religion. We have a right to do that don't we?

  I just hope you get the outcome you want,,,,
• 

  Satanus

  'Regular normal family contact or none at all. I will never attempt to undermine their trust in the Watchtower and they must never preach.'

  Sounds VERY reasonable, on your part. Its more or less what i ended up doing, except that i didn't notfy them. I just moved away.

  '17 years of playing their game has resulted in status quo. What is there to lose? '

  Nothing to loose, your diginity to maintain. You have been playing their game, or at least allowing them their game on you. No need for that. Enough time, already!

  S
• 

  besty

  are you close to your folks cofty?

  how can you have 'normal' family contact when that elephant in the corner has become one of the family?
• 

  Lozhasleft

  Don't burn the bridges Cofty, they're hurting too remember? If you deal harshly, you will fulfill the WTs prediction about the hardening of your heart. i know its a no win, but somehow I'm sure it's better to prove that you're the one who can show the most love? Just my 2 cents.

  Loz x
• 

  Dagney

  My first reaction is "I like it."

  But then I was thinking, what do you feel is their reason for shunning? To bring you back to the fold or to be obedient to the WT and follow their counsel?

  If it's the former, then you have nothing to lose and willl have the feeling of having been honest with them. If it's the later, they just will retreat into cult mind, and it may not make a difference.

  As in all of these situations, you do what you must do. Although there comes a time, and you've given it plenty, that one has to do what they have to do...doesn't matter or hold power anymore. I've reached that point.

  Good luck!
• 

  darth frosty

  I have ALWAYS been against fading and trying to save face for the sake of JW 'friends' and family. You try and show them how you havent change and your still the same person while ALL THEY SEE is a person they 'love' being duped by satan and the world.

  Its a lose lose situation!
• 

  return of parakeet

  Shun the shunners. It's a last-resort tactic. But either way it falls out, the question will be settled.

  May you find peace of mind.
• 

  cofty

  Loz - I understand what you are saying - it has always been my position until recently - but how do you draw the line between honesty and harshness? If I finish and send the letter it will be done as kindly as possible.

  Is it unloving to express yourself with uncompromising honesty? In who knows how many more years it will be too late. I'm not convinced its loving to have never said these things.

  Besty - They live 100 miles from me or did you mean close in another sense? I know things will never be "normal" but I am only talking about reasonably regular phone calls, emails or letters with everyday family news. Perhaps meet for coffee at Edinburgh occasionally.
• 

  cognisonance

  Cofty,

  You're angry. There is nothing wrong with that. They should know that you are angry. I would suggest you read up on assertiveness and learn how to express that anger most effectively (I'm not saying that you aren't are won't) so as to be recieved by them in a productive way (potentially).

  For example take a look at this article, Be more assertive (and feel good about it).

  I tend to bottle up anger myself in a passive-agreesive way, which isn't healthy. One technique that a psychologist suggested me was to communicate in a three sentence (roughly, could be 3 paragraphs, etc) techinque like follows:

  1. Statement acknowledging that you understand the other person
  2. Express how you feel with I statements
  3. State what you want to be done about it.

  So if you are upset with someone putting you on hold for a long time and giving you the round-about on a phone support call to a company, you could say:

  1. I understand that you are following the procedures of your job (or maybe you are new here, or this isn't a pleasant problem to deal with, fill in the blank).
  2. This <problem> really bothers me and I am upset about x y z (just make sure x y z doesn't have accusatory "you" statements, focus on the action "I am upset when I am ignored" instead of "You refuse to talk to me.").
  3. What would help me feel better about all of this is if you could do a, b, or c.

  I see that you already have already used a lot of "I statements." I just encourage you to research a bit about assertive communication styles before engaging them to help prevent yourself from accidently expressing your anger with words in an unproductive way. Trust me, I've had my share of lossing my cool. It's so easy to do. For me personally, I try to prime myself before entering these types of situations.