Lesson 101 in leaving a cult - you can't expect others to think and feel like you.
My leaving the cult was very difficult. It was very hard fought as I was super brainwashed and came from a very rigid JW family.
Although I was the one to question, to take risks in bringing up the subject to wake my wife up, she was initially resistant. However, once she did finally engage me in conversation she was just like "okay, let's move on, I'm done with it all". In a moment she was just done and ready to disassociate and move on.
You mention that your boyfriend's family isn't super rigid. Yours is. Mine was too. My wife's wasn't.
The cult meant different things to different people. For some it was their entire identity, for others they never really bought in.
I get your frustration. I did all of the research, put my neck out, fought all the battles, and my wife was just like "oh well" and was so casual about it. It sucks not to have someone in there fighting with you in such a battle. But that battle is yours, and he has his own. His is apparently easier. It's okay to let that be.
Now, you do need to make sure you're marrying someone that will get in a battle by your side. Unfortunately it was a long haul for my wife and I and I never had that. I had an anchor that resisted everything and it wasn't healthy for me to drag someone along in life. My wife would now say the same. It's been 18 years and only in the last year since waking up has she woken up as an individual.
A relationship is only as strong as the sum of two individuals. We weren't two individuals. Our relationship was messed up. Reading about things like codependence and boundaries helped. Me telling my wife that she needed to get a therapist and that I was done being her therapist after 17 or 18 years was a turning point because I couldn't be so enmeshed anymore and it wasn't my place to "save" her or bring her up like a child.
Be sure to look at this guy honestly. Can he manage in his own? Does everything come down on his reliance on you? Is he supportive, or does he fight against you at best? Seriously look at things. Our dysfunctional beginnings in the cult caused a Lot of anguish for a long time. You're young, unattached, and going through a big change. Make sure you've got the right person to explore life with. If not, it's a tough road. I had my issues too. I was too controlling and thought we had to feel and think the same. That's not healthy either.
If you're going to get married, I highly encourage you two to seek out good prep marriage counseling together to help make sure of what you're getting into. Even something dysfunctional can get healthy, and it's not like marriages outside the cult have no issues, but we grew up in special kinds of dysfunction.
