Am I being unreasonable with my pimo boyfriend?

by Addison0998 25 Replies latest social relationships

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  Addison0998

  I was very lucky to have be dating somebody who didn’t run and snitch on me when I started having questions and showing him research I did, instead he listened to me, and after a few arguements, he did wake up as well. It really didn’t take much to wake him up, and he was more just tired of the crazy witnesses in general. and now we are planning on getting married and fading together so that our families can at least enjoy our wedding, that special time in life, before we possibly loose them one day. But what irritates me, is that he has never done any research for himself, he is not really interested in doing any. And so because of that, when I have a hard time engaging him in conversation about it, he listens and agrees, but he does not have his own thoughts and opinions about it, he has no emotions towards it at all. He does have his own opinions and thoughts when it comes to his new founded atheism though, which I guess it good. But also, his waking up doesn’t affect his life much. His family is not as “spiritually strong”” and so they don’t care if he misses meetings and doesn’t go in service. Where as I have to go to all meetings, every Saturday service, and study with my family 3 times a week plus my dad makes me do a bible study with him in the keep yourselves in gods love book. I’m so miserable and exhausted from keeping my true feelings inside, someone’s I wish I could just die so I don’t have to continue this life anymore. And I try to be thankful that I have someone who understands the organization and what my childhood and everything was like, but sometimes I feel like he really just doesn’t understand, and I’m so dissatisfied with his lack of anger or disgust towards the org.

  Am I being unreasonable? Do you think I should just be thankful with what I have and stop being critical of him? I wish I could be more like him and just let it go and not look back. But it’s negativly impacted me so much more than him, and it affects my life so much more than it does for him.

  Thanks for listening.
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  days of future passed

  It sounds like you are a little jealous that he doesn't have to do the amount of work towards his family or the org. So you are frustrated and annoyed all at the same time. It is mentally exhausting to live a lie and there are many here on the forum that can give better advice than I on that.

  Sorry for your present problems, but you are far ahead of others whose families are still in.
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  zeb

  How involved is he in preparing for married life? Getting some sort of house, planning, etc.

  He sounds a fathers worry.
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  JaniceA

  Is he engaged in your life together and all the stuff that doesn’t involve your pissy feelings to the organization? Is he interested in planning your family, budgeting to set up house, working for a secure financial future? Do you have fun together? Are you building something together? He is not invested at all in the organization clearly. Is he invested in you?
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  smiddy3

  I wonder how old you both are and whether you are more adult than he is so, not meaning to be Judgemental I would seriously not get too involved with this guy in the short term .

  In other words don`t be in too much of a hurry to marry him ,bide your time .

  Don`t make the mistake of marrying somebody just to get out of a situation your unhappy with you could be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire

  Think long and hard before you make any rash decisions .

  take care Addison 0998
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  The Fall Guy

  Hi ADDISON, good advice so far. Take it easy and don't say too much to anyone - for your own benefit.

  You have a PM.

  All the best.
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  Wake Me Up Before You Jo-Ho

  Sweetie, I hear you. I can't "click" with ex JWs who just go, "ah well, it was all a lie. Life goes on." My head can't compute - or maybe, as @days of future passed suggested, I'm really jealous of the lack of damage wreaked on their lives.

  HOWEVER - that's what places like this forum are for. Vent it out! Bare your frustrations! We hear you, @Addison0998. Please don't consider death as a better option for the life you have at the moment. You'll make the world short one ex JW, and we need you. You are an asset to humanity just based on the awakening and courage you've displayed over the last several months.

  As for your partner being a bit nonchalant about things - perhaps this is a good thing! If the two of you were so deeply embroiled in the feelings of grief, loss and anger, etc, it might consume your relationship. One thing people recommend when exiting a cult is to get friends in the "real world" (aka, those untarnished by the cult). Your fiancé could be your ticket to light-hearted normalcy once all the rage and disbelief dissipates. Try and think long rather than in the immediate future :).

  I really hope this helps you, hon. Xxx
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  nowwhat?

  If that's how he approaches life in general, you are in store for some rough seas!
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  dubstepped

  Lesson 101 in leaving a cult - you can't expect others to think and feel like you.

  My leaving the cult was very difficult. It was very hard fought as I was super brainwashed and came from a very rigid JW family.

  Although I was the one to question, to take risks in bringing up the subject to wake my wife up, she was initially resistant. However, once she did finally engage me in conversation she was just like "okay, let's move on, I'm done with it all". In a moment she was just done and ready to disassociate and move on.

  You mention that your boyfriend's family isn't super rigid. Yours is. Mine was too. My wife's wasn't.

  The cult meant different things to different people. For some it was their entire identity, for others they never really bought in.

  I get your frustration. I did all of the research, put my neck out, fought all the battles, and my wife was just like "oh well" and was so casual about it. It sucks not to have someone in there fighting with you in such a battle. But that battle is yours, and he has his own. His is apparently easier. It's okay to let that be.

  Now, you do need to make sure you're marrying someone that will get in a battle by your side. Unfortunately it was a long haul for my wife and I and I never had that. I had an anchor that resisted everything and it wasn't healthy for me to drag someone along in life. My wife would now say the same. It's been 18 years and only in the last year since waking up has she woken up as an individual.

  A relationship is only as strong as the sum of two individuals. We weren't two individuals. Our relationship was messed up. Reading about things like codependence and boundaries helped. Me telling my wife that she needed to get a therapist and that I was done being her therapist after 17 or 18 years was a turning point because I couldn't be so enmeshed anymore and it wasn't my place to "save" her or bring her up like a child.

  Be sure to look at this guy honestly. Can he manage in his own? Does everything come down on his reliance on you? Is he supportive, or does he fight against you at best? Seriously look at things. Our dysfunctional beginnings in the cult caused a Lot of anguish for a long time. You're young, unattached, and going through a big change. Make sure you've got the right person to explore life with. If not, it's a tough road. I had my issues too. I was too controlling and thought we had to feel and think the same. That's not healthy either.

  If you're going to get married, I highly encourage you two to seek out good prep marriage counseling together to help make sure of what you're getting into. Even something dysfunctional can get healthy, and it's not like marriages outside the cult have no issues, but we grew up in special kinds of dysfunction.
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  DesirousOfChange

  Does this sound like a typical couple of JW kids getting married way too soon? Long before they've learned what life is all about? I guess most of us did that, and we've all "survived" it.

  Addison, NOTHING has had a greater impact on this guy's life than the JDub religion, and he is too apathetic to investigate and research it? He doesn't have his own thoughts, opinions, and emotions about it? (Your words.) Does he have his own thought, opinions, and emotions about ANYTHING (excluding video games)? What's he think about a career? Paying a mortgage? Having kids (preferably AFTER he grows up himself)?

  I think you should stop and consider your real feelings about this guy? Are you just using him as an "easy" escape from JDub World? Do you realize the "world" you are headed for may not be all that rosy either? I don't get the impression that either of you are very "grown up". Sorry if that "stings" a bit. I don't have a horse in this race, so what you do won't affect me. Give serious thought to your own future. Please.