A little about me first. I was born and raised a JW. I am 29 and have always been an active JW reaching out for various responsibilities in the congregation. In the past couple of years I have really gone down hill spiritually in an organizational sence. The last circuit overseer removed me and 2 other brothers from all responsibilities because we were all a little below the national average. The reason my hours were dropping were because I had been frequenting boards like this plus I read COC and ISOCF. I have had email correspondence with Ray Franz also. Im hurting so much inside right now. I have loving wife of 8 years along with a 5 year old thats fixing to start school. Like others if I fall away I will lose all friends and family. I am still trying to convince myself that it is the closest thing to the truth that is out there. I have also hurt my wife spiritually because every now and then I vent and say things about the org that is negative. Alot of the things I say make sence to her. I want this to be the truth and I wish I had never
read anything contrary.
I cant go to the meetings anymore without hearing things that dont sound right to me and I feel uncomfortable around JW's that Ive been around my whole life. I still turn in time but I havent gone out in the field in around 8 months. I just count time with my son. I have shaken the foundation my whole life and belief system was based and it is hurting me so much. I keep reading this message board and trying to be an active witness and its destroying me and my family. Lately I feel like I need to be going in service and that Im not teaching my son the seriousness of the ministry. But at the same time I feel guilty because I have a hard time teaching others things that Im not sure on anymore. Ive talked to my mom and shes very worried about me. Ive talked with a couple of close friends and they are worried about me even though one of them is inactive completely. I talked to the PO who has always treated me like a son and another MS around 3 months ago and expressed some of my feelings and doubts. The PO never followed up on me like he should have. He just treats me loving and nice like he always has. The MS moved away and has started emailing me just to say hi. IN his emails he always makes comments like" We can talk about anything you would like" OR "What did you think about Sundays Watchtower?" I feel that hes trying to bait me to say something increminating so I always respond positive in a typical JW way always avoiding anything that may sound apostate.
I still havent decided if its the truth or not and Im afraid of getting DFellowshipped for just having some doubts. I see flaws in all religion and maybe this is the closest thing to the truth thats out there. I still believe in GOD and always will. I was never treated bad by any brothers. The society has made some mistakes and they will have to stand before GOD for it. Does this mean GOD is not using them. No it doesnt. The MS that I had talked to finally emailed me he feelings. I know if I respond he will just send it to the PO and whoever he feels needs to see it. At the end of this post it is posted. PLEASE TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS ON WHAT HE SAYS. Am I a better person for reading apostate literature and frequenting boards like this? No im just confused now when before I always had the answer. HERE IS HIS LETTER. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK?
HELLO BROTHER *****,
I HAVE REALLY BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU GUY'S LATELY.THIS E-MAIL IS MORE OF A PERSONAL NATURE AND IS DIRECTED FOR YOU ******. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN ON YOUR STUDIES IN THE PUBLICATIONS OF THE SOCIETY? YOU KNOW WHEN **** AND I WENT TO VISIT YOU WE RECOMMENDED THAT YOU FOCUS ON THE PUBLICATIONS THAT THE SLAVE HAS GIVEN US. THESE PUBLICATIONS ARE VERY TIMELY ESPECIALLY FOR OUR TIME THAT WE LIVE IN. HAVE YOU HAD TROUBLE KEEPING AWAY FROM ANY OF THE WICKED SLAVE SITES? THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT IF WE ARE TO MAKE ANY TYPE OF PROGRESS IN JEHOVAH'S ORGANIZATION. I AM NOT REFERRING TO BEING APPOINTED OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT BUT PROGRESS IN THE SENSE OF DRAWING CLOSER TO OUR LOVING FATHER JEHOVAH. THAT IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE RIGHT NOW AND HE REALLY WANTS US TO DO THAT REGARDLESS OF OUR PAST MISTAKES OR DOUBTS. READ PSALMS 103:9-14 I THINK YOU WILL FIND IT VERY ENCOURAGING. YOU KNOW I AM GLAD THAT JEHOVAH IS A VERY REASONABLE AND HUMBLE GOD BECAUSE IF HE WERE NOT HIS ORGANIZATION WOULD NOT HAVE MADE THE PROGRESS THAT IT HAS MADE AND THE CHANGES THAT IT NEEDED TO MAKE TO BE MORE PLEASING TO IT'S CREATOR. EZEKIEL 1:14-28 VIVIDLY DESCRIBES JEHOVAH'S HEAVENLY ORGANIZATION AND THE ABILITY IT HAS TO MOVE,STOP AND TAKE OFF AGAIN. THIS JUST SHOWS THAT JEHOVAH'S ORGANIZATION CAN MAKE THE CHANGES IT NEEDS TO MAKE AND NOT HOLD ON TO PAST IDEAS STUBBORNLY LIKE SOME RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATIONS WE KNOW. YOU MENTIONED THAT YOU HAD TROUBLE ACCEPTING THE FACT THAT WE HAVE MADE CHANGES IN CERTAIN AREAS AND THAT LIVES WERE AFFECTED IN THE PAST BECAUSE OF DOING WHAT THEY WERE TOLD AND NOW IT IS ALL CHANGED.
KEEP IN MIND BROTHER THAT IF THESE BROTHERS FAITHFULLY OBEYED JEHOVAH THROUGH HIS EARTHLY ORGANIZATION THEN THEY WOULD DEFINITELY OBEY HIM TODAY EVEN WITH THE CURRENT UNDERSTANDING OF CERTAIN MATTERS. THE FAITHFUL AND DISCREET SLAVE NEVER WAS INFALLIBLE IN THE 1st CENTURY AND IN OUR 21st CENTURY. THEY GIVE US OUR FOOD AT THE PROPER TIME. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? IT MEANS THAT AT A CERTAIN POINT IN TIME JEHOVAH LEANS OVER TO HIS SON JESUS AND TELLS HIM WHAT HE WANTS HIS SERVANTS TO KNOW, JESUS IN TURN DELIVERS THE MESSAGE THROUGH THE HOLY SPIRIT TO HIS SLAVE AND THEY IN TURN TELL US. SO IF ANY CHANGES HAVE BEEN MADE IT IS BECAUSE JEHOVAH HIMSELF HAS DEEMED IT NECESSARY AND BENEFICIAL FOR US. ARE WE NOT GLAD THAT THE FAITHFUL SLAVE IS ALSO REASONABLE AND HUMBLE TO ACCEPT THESE CHANGES AND CLARAFICATIONS IN CERTAIN MATTERS? IF THEY WERE NOT WE WOULD BE IN A HEAP OF TROUBLE. WOULD YOU NOT AGREE?
BROTHER IT IS ALSO A MATTER OF LOYALTY TO JEHOVAH TO STICK CLOSE TO HIS ORGANIZATION ESPECIALLY IN THESE TROUBLED TIMES. WHEN WE RECOMMENDED YOU TO READ ONLY THE FAITHFUL SLAVES PUBLICATIONS WE WERE NOT ASKING YOU TO FEEL PART OF A SECT OR CULT. IT IS A MATTER OF LOYALTY. WHAT DO I MEAN BY THIS? LET ME ILLUSTRATE IT TO YOU THIS WAY: IN ORDER FOR YOU TO PROVE TO your wife THAT YOU LOVE HER AND THAT SHE LOVES YOU WOULD YOU GO AND SEE IF THERE IS ANYBODY OUT THERE THAT YOU CAN EXPERIMENT WITH OR WOULD YOU ALLOW HER TO GO AND BE WITH ANYBODY ELSE JUST TO SEE IF SHE REALLY LOVES YOU? THE ANSWER IS OF COURSE NOT. THE POINT IS BROTHER WE DO NOT NEED TO GO AND READ ANY INFORMATION THAT DOES NOT BELONG TO THE FAITHFUL SLAVE JUST TO SEE IF IT IS CORRECT. WE HAVE THE BIBLE AND JEHOVAH DIRECTING US TO THE TRUTH THAT IS ALL WE NEED. LOYALTY BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE IS NEEDED, SO LOYALTY BETWEEN US AND JEHOVAH'S ORGANIZATION IS ALSO NEEDED IF WE ARE TO AVOID DRIFTING AWAY. READ HEBREWS 2:1. IS NOT THAT SCRIPTURE ENCOURAGING? I HOPE I DID NOT OFFEND YOU BY USING ******!
U AS AN EXAMPLE IN MY ILLUSTRATION ABOUT LOYALTY. IF I DID PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I HAVE TO GO TO WORK NOW I AM WORKING 10-7 TODAY. WE WILL BE IN ******* THIS WEEKEND HOPE TO SEE YOU GUY'S IF NOT MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME. PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS E-MAIL AND LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS. TELL ***** AND ****** HELLO FOR ME. THANKS.
YOUR BROTHER
*******
here is what I sent him
Hey *****,
Ive been wondering when you were going to ask these things. I know youve been wanting me to start something real bad evident by some of the comments in your emails. I love you **** and I would love to talk but I know whatever I say to you in email will be saved and sent to whomever you think needs to see them. I still read the Watchtowers and go to meetings and I will straighten myself out on my own. Thats how we do it in ******.
END OF EMAIL
the reason I said "thats how we do it here" is because our brothers dont give sheparding calls like their supposed to and myself and this MS have talked about this weakness before.