Is Having Kids Worth It?

by Prisca 103 Replies latest social family

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  Prisca

  Ok, I'm a single female in her early 30s looking for someone to settle down with. I'd like to have kids, but the trouble with dating guys who are over 30 is that by now most have a kid and/or have decided they don't want any/more.

  So I am getting faced with the dilemma of maybe finding that Someone Special, but he may not want to have kids. Yet I do. I've done everything else in life, and I feel I would be a great Mum and that I have alot to offer in raising children. Women also seem to have that maternal instinct that is hard to turn off - once we get clucky, it's hard to change the mindset.

  Should I rule out the chance of having kids, in order to give myself more choices in finding a life partner? Or should I not worry about those who don't have the same goals regarding children, and find someone who is, even though that greatly reduces the chances of finding a decent guy?

  Is having kids all that it's cracked up to be? Do you regret having kids, or is it the best decision you ever made?

  If you had kids, and found yourself single, how would you feel if you met someone who wanted kids? Would you be able to be persuaded, or would you let them go, so that they could have the chance to achieve something that is important to them?

  Your comments would be appreciated.
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  Xena

  Kids are wonderful, I love my daughter and enjoy the time we spend together. But they are a huge responsiblity too...and when you are single it can be tough sometimes taking care of yourself and another little person. The investment emotionally, financially and timewise are draining at times, although you reap a huge reward in the uncondiontional love you get back....they are a joy to be sure...lol well most of the time

  I think to many people have children without thinking it through all the way. I know I did, I caved into the "clock is ticking" syndrome. Funny thing too, my husband and I had been married almost 10 years before we had our daughter, we THOUGHT we were settled and ready to have children. Apparently we were wrong, so now my daughter, due to no fault of her own, is in a broken family and having to deal with the emotions that go with that. It can be very heartwrenching at times.

  So for my own part I am glad I have my daughter, she brings a lot of happiness to my life, but I do wonder sometimes how fair I was to her bringing to into what has turned out to be a very disfunctional life.

  lol sorry no answers for you here Pris...
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  Gadget

  I've found if I go looking for a partner, ect I never meet anyone I like, but if I just carry on myself not being bothered either way I always meet loads of people.

  Should I rule out the chance of having kids, in order to give myself more choices in finding a life partner? Or should I not worry about those who don't have the same goals regarding children, and find someone who is, even though that greatly reduces the chances of finding a decent guy?

  I don't think you should give up having kids just to get a man. It would always be brought up in fight, ect, because it would mean so much to you.

  Gadget
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  Francois

  Lemme put it to you like this. I have two children. A daughter 32 and a son 26.

  My daughter is a beautiful, dutiful, and intelligent young woman who has just presented me with a grandson, my first. She has a master's degree in speech pathology and works with autistic children and stroke victims.

  My son dropped out of school in the 12 th grade and has a GED certificate. He has been in trouble with drugs, the heavy kind. I cannot believe a thing that comes out of his mouth. He was recently re-arrested for probation violation. I know he was using heroin when he was arrested, thus he has been going through withdrawal while in jail. I have doubts that he will ever straighten himself up.

  Frankly, if I had never had children I wouldn't have ever known them so as to miss them. That's a very simple concept. As their mother and I were divorced when they were pretty young, their mother did not miss a chance to use my own children as weapons against me in the most needlessly cruel, immoral, and unethical ways she could think up. She used my children to cause me the most intense pain I have ever known for 18 long years. I came very close on several occasions to ending her rotten life for how she used my children against me.

  Knowing what I now know, I would not have had children due to the fact that I could have spent the better part, or even the remainder of my life in jail because of them. Had I to do it again, I would not have had children. Had I known how my son was going to turn out viz - drugs, I would have stopped with my daughter. This is no time to be bringing children into the world. Even my daughter had her brush with drugs as well.

  Continue to think about it carefully. Children can be the source of much joy and happiness; they can also be the source of un-named, unknown sorrows. It's a crap shoot anyway you look at it.
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  SheilaM

  This is no time to be bringing children into

  Francois to be blunt what rubbish....do not equate your experience with all children. What a blanket statment. I also am saddened that you feel that way about your son I can't imagine how that must feel nor how he must feel knowing that. It is a shame that you can't separate him from his addiction. You say he is a drop-out with only a GED. Well, he must have had some motivation to get a GED right. I can see you being angry at his being consumed with drugs but the other baffles me.

  I have two children that don't drink NOR do they do drugs NOR have they EVER done drugs NOR do they associate with people that do drugs. So is it NOT THE TIME TO HAVE CHILDREN (sounds like a dubism to me) or is it that as parents we need to put our children first ALWAYS and raise them the best we can.

  I have two siblings that did drugs I NEVER have NEVER will.

  I am saddened that you can't see that your children weren't the problem could it have been the divorce possibly, the dubs. There are many, many factors with your story I believe.

  Prisca:

  I have my grandbaby scapering around my feet with a sleeve of crackers.

  My son as you know is in the Marine's and he has been interviewed three times for a security position with Presidential security, my daughter has graduated and is deciding on college or starting with the Police department.

  But all of those things mean less than the my having a wonderful grandbaby to love and cuddle and two wonderful kids that love us and are good human beings. I can't imagine life without my Thunder and my children, you do what is right for you sweetie
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  Jade

  Well for me, having a child changed my entire life and led to my leaving the JW's. I always wanted a child, but was not prepared for the love I would feel for my baby. As he neared the age of four I just couldn't endoctrinate him into the JW's and began to question everything. I didn't want to brainwash him into something unless I could be sure it was the right thing to do.

  To make a long story short, it cost me a ten year marriage, and I became a single parent. Do I regret it????? Not for a minute. I have remarried and he is now a young teenager. Although he has a lot of contact with his JW dad, he can see the hipocracy of the org and I don't think he will pursue that path as he gets older.

  While I know having children isn't for everyone and people shouldn't be pressured to have children when they don't really want them, I can only tell you that my experience has fulfilled a huge part of my life and I wouldn't want anyone to miss out on that. I hope you find the answers that you are looking for whether you pursue that path or not.
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  SheilaM

  ((((((((((((((((Jade)))))))))))))))) I misssssssssssssed you
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  SpunkyChick

  Knowing what I now know, I would not have had children due to the fact that I could have spent the better part, or even the remainder of my life in jail because of them. Had I to do it again, I would not have had children. Had I known how my son was going to turn out viz - drugs, I would have stopped with my daughter. This is no time to be bringing children into the world. Even my daughter had her brush with drugs as well.

  Francios - Your descriptions about your sons life sounds exactly like my brother and other siblings who are dysfunctional characters. Your post sounds allot like my mom's beliefs. I don't EVER want ANY children. I am greatful to my mom for being blunt with me about how painful childbirth is, and seeing brothers and sisters get arrested, abuse drugs and cause my parents so much grief and anguish has taught me; I don't EVER want to experience that. I think having children is a thankless job; a job that doesn't end when a child turns 18 either.

  SheilaM - You are so quick to criticize Francios! You have no idea what it's like to live with dysfuntional stupid high school dropout siblings who don't understand common sense from tweaking their brains out on drugs! That was a close minded post of yours. "Try to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, then you really might know what it's like to have the blues."
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  BeautifulGarbage

  "My children, my greatest joy, my greatest aggravation." Me.

  Is it worth it? It depends on what day you ask me. There are those times when I believe that there is nothing more noble,and rewarding, than Motherhood and the raising of children. Then, there are the other times when I would rather slowly extract all the the hair out of my head, one by one, with a small pair of twizers because it can really BITE. And just going out for coffee with a friend can require the planning not unlike the invasion of a small country.

  And for the the times in between: It's a hellva lot of work with little rewards here and there. It also helps to have a sense of humor, and PATIENCE, the size of..well, AUSTRALIA.

  I would also say, don't get overly focused on having a baby. They are that way for such a short time.

  I don't think there is anyway to be competely prepared for having children. I didn't have my first until I was 30 and my second when I was nearly 35. I think if you have a great desire to have children, marry someone who also wants children. But, my sister and my best friend are childless (one by choice, one due to medical conditions), and they have full ,and meaningful, lives.

  Andee
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  lisaBObeesa

  Prisa you said:

  I'd like to have kids,

  Should I rule out the chance of having kids, in order to give myself more choices in finding a life partner? Or should I not worry about those who don't have the same goals regarding children, and find someone who is, even though that greatly reduces the chances of finding a decent guy?

  My two cents: You said you "would like to have kids." This is not like saying, "I would like to have a sandwich for lunch." For me, the desire to have kids was a part of me, a part of who I am. Do you really want to be with someone that you have to squash such a big part of yourself for?

  something to think about...

  Edited to say: And YES, they are worth it! (mine are 6 and 11)