Hey ya'll! My first post. Please help. In need of advice/comfort.

by Stepford Wife 121 Replies latest jw friends

  • nicolaou

    Yes, SW I understand. You'll present yourself as a loyal JW who has no doubts, I get it.

    But explain to me, because those elders will ask you for sure, why is such a loyal JW not attending meetings or going in field service?

    I don't want to cause you stress but I feel I'm beginning to so I'll take a step back from this conversation SW.

    I genuinely wish you well.

  • BluesBrother

    Hi and Welcome Stepford Wife.

    We all know how you feel, and what you face.. I agree that the slow fade is the answer if you need to maintain family ties. I did the same thing.

    I was the elder who woke up. My wife was and is a devout "sister". We are still married and get along o k , perhaps better than before. I can only tell you my own experience. (In the U K I get the impression that they are not so predatory towards "apostates")

    I did what you have done , slowly slow down ,and then resign my position. That brought on attention from the remaining elders. I confided that I had "doubts" but I phrased everything as a question , not a statement . That gave no cause for action to me and I tried to make it seem I was desperately seeking answers . Had judgemental things been said I was ready to quote Jude 22 "Continue showing mercy to some that have doubts". The elders attention soon faded and I was left alone.

    My wife soldiers on in her faith , we do not discuss issues much now. Your husband sounds a good, sincere man. With luck and common sense and love, you will come to an accommodation. His deletion is probable but not automatic (at least in my day)

    Best wishes , and please keep posting

  • freemindfade

    A warm welcome

    keep exploring your freedom

    What can they do to me if I have not committed any sins?

    Nothing. Deal with them in the context of their small world. You don't have to tell them anything. Just tell them you are happy and fine, and nothing is wrong. Do not play into their games.

    What will they say?
    they will show false concern, "we just want to check and see if everything is ok" (pink elephant in the room). If they don't hear something that will give them any info they may be a little more forthright. Just maintain that you are better than ever and thank them. Hopefully (every body is different in ways) they will step off
    Our daughter told me recently she also does not want to go and I told her we can stay home together. Is being inactive something they can shun me for?

    No, but it may happen from closest friends and family. But there will be no direct decree to shun you, but it will happen as a byproduct of peoples self righteousness. I counter-shun, I invite witnesses over to my house constantly and show them a kind of friendship that is real and genuine. So they may feel weird but they are starting to not care i believe. Just don't act like an outsider, that is their weapon never play into it. Be confident and strong.

    My husband said they will remove him as an elder if I do not begin to go to meetings. Is that true?

    Depends on the hall, tell him to grow a pair. (no offense, but you understand)

  • Hadriel

    @StepfordWife no they won't notify other halls. Only the next hall you move to if/when that were to happen.

    The will absolutely remove him if you do not start reporting time again.

    Don't see that as a bad thing as it might help him along in the grand scheme of things.

    Just a suggestion as I literally just went through the whole ordeal myself. Try not to argue. Pose questions instead. For example you might say "husband it hurts my heart that thousands have died because they refused blood fractions, then the next year (or short time after) those fractions are allowed. I've never seen an apology in the WT how must those families feel?"

    There are many more questions such as this that simply can't be explained reasonably other than they got it wrong and didn't apologize.

    Have him watch the testimony of governing body member Geoffrey Jackson from the Royal Commission. There's nothing apostate about it. He's under oath in court. Why wouldn't he be honest? Yet he says some highly questionable things that your husband will find difficult to reconcile.

  • brandnew

    I say..meet with them, and lie through your teeth like jackson did at the arc. If its to keep the peace in your marriage, handle it. Sounds like your hubby is not 100% loyal to his boe either, cuz he hasnt ratted you off about the blood card.

    Maybe hubby has doubts too. Good luck..

    Mad puppy

  • ScenicViewer

    I'm getting the feeling I should not meet with them but I want to know why.

    Because elders can be sly buzzards. Their meeting with you could easily be the first step to a Judicial Hearing. They are good at asking loaded questions and could easily trap you into saying something you didn't intend.

    As pointed out, you have already mentioned to your husband that you don't accept the blood policy, so it's going to be hard to reverse yourself on that. You will either have to lie through your teeth and say things you don't believe to satisfy them, or tell the truth and face consequences.

    All of this is done in the name of love and helping someone spiritually. If you are marked or DF'd in the end they will tell themselves they have done the loving thing and you will suffer for it.

    Best advice, as given above, is don't get started with them.

  • FayeDunaway
    If you agree with everything they say when they meet with you, it will take a lot of strength and inventiveness to come up with reasons why you aren't doing meetings and service anymore. I agree meeting with them won't necessarily cause you damage but it could cause you awkwardness. Maybe the 'I don't want to waste their time' would be better, but if that is causing your husband more anger/anxiety than it's worth, be prepared to have some reasons for not being an active witness that have nothing to do with doctrine/apostate info. Maybe expressing an interest in science and atheist thoughts might be OK tho I'm not totally sure of that. Fragile ice to be treading on!Welcome and I'm sorry about your situation :(.
  • DJS

    Stepford Wife,

    Every shepherding call is also an information gathering/potential investigation 'call.' Your husband can verify that; if he doesn't he isn't being honest with you.

    I agree with the others; do not meet with the elders. Ever. Continue giving excuses and fading until they leave you alone. If your husband is using your inactivity as leverage or as a weapon against you, he cares more about his place in the organization than he does you. Be positive about the elders, the congregation and the Dark Lords. Say nothing negative. As others have said, make up something about your own health/condition/etc. and thank the BOE profusely for their loving attention. Now I have to go throw up.

  • problemaddict 2
    problemaddict 2

    Hey SW (great name). Welcome. The following are my random thoughts, probably can barely be called "advise". Whatever you decide to do, I understand how hard it is and the struggle.

    Hey ya'll! I have been lurking for years on this site and others but never had the courage to post anything. Actually I was afraid of posting on an apostate site in the event I was wrong. But now I am convinced that I made the right choice to mentally leave the witnesses. The next step is to physically leave. Gonna be hard since my husband is very active as an elder and everytime I hint about something he asks me if I am reading apostate sites. For example I have been researching about the stance against using blood. I don't think I need to get into details why the JW org has got it all wrong but I secretly tore up my no blood card. When I told my husband that I would take blood he started to cry and tell me that I was one step away from being an apostate and that it would be his duty to report me if I mention this again. Ok so there we are.

    Yikes. This sounds familiar. My wife said the same thing, and cried. She is now out. Don't give up, but maybe ease back being overly honest for a bit. His duty to report you.......ugh. Its really a horrible betrayal...but he cant see it.

    Now, I'm not going down that road. My whole family are witnesses. It is all I know so getting dis-fellowshipped is not an option. So I am going to do the fade. I have not attended a meeting in about 3 months. No service time, nothing. I still have my close friends in the hall and we do things together and they don't seem to mind that I am inactive. My husband comes home the other day and says the brothers want to meet with me and that it is a shepherding call to motivate me to get back in. He said he has tried his best to encourage me and now the elders would like to visit me. And I am a little bit nervous. I never had the brothers talk to me about anything.

    Ok. So i am with you 100%. Don't allow them to disfellowship you. You can refuse their visit, and that is what i would do (am currently doing). Nothing they can do. I am always super nice anmd let them know I know they "are there for me if i need them". Keep in mind.....this WILL get your husband removed. He might be dealing with that right now as well. Just to fully understand his situation too.

    What can they do to me if I have not committed any sins? What will they say?

    You don't have to sin to be disfellowshipped. If you tell them things that throw up the red flag, they can take action. Officially someone only need not believe the full body of christian beliefs, and you can be DF'd. I mean think about it this way......if they decide to do it.....what could you possibly do about it? This is why its good to not meet with them, considering your plan.

    Our daughter told me recently she also does not want to go and I told her we can stay home together. Is being inactive something they can shun me for? My husband said they will remove him as an elder if I do not begin to go to meetings. Is that true?

    You have your daughter!! Its more than most get. Embrace it, speak to one another and that way maybe you can keep from blurting out what you really think and feel. Is being inactive something they can shun you for? Look....if you aren't DF'd you will still be shunned by some. I have lost friends of 20 years, and others don't blink and have been good friends. Its really up to the person. So I would say try to spend time with those closest to you only. The surface and ancillary friends.....probably aren't your friends. Your husband will be removed.

    Here is where others may disagree with me. What is your marriage to your husband like? You been married a long time? Do you really love each other? Do you communicate well? You may have an opening to have a somewhat honest conversation with him. Better to ask questions that lead, rather than just unload what you believe. But......don't rush that. Just look for an opportunity. For different people, its different things.

    Anyone have gone through this already? Thanks in advance ~TD

    Yes maam! Going through it with some family members right now......I lost a lot of people in my life in 2015. The religion doesn't let you leave with dignity....so you have the TAKE and HOLD your dignity. Its worth it. :)

  • StarTrekAngel


    1- Doing something wrong...Sin, apostasy, etc

    2- Not doing what they consider the right things...preaching, attending meetings. etc.

    Not saying that they can DF you for simply quitting meetings. But if they start questioning you and you agree with everything, yet you don't make the right adjustments, including returning to the meetings, then things change. Remember the ARC, the perpetrator returned to the cong and when the victim confronted the elders, they told her he was doing all the "right" things... going to meetings, etc. There is no such a thing as an innocent questions when the elders come around in this fashion. Their motto will be to consider you guilty until proven otherwise.

    This is why most people will agree that you need to chalk it up to depression, anxiety or something like that. They do not have anything in their box of tricks against that and they will eventually conclude that they need to leave you in Jehovah's hand.

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