If you like, please p/m Katie (bikerchic) or me.
If you like, please p/m Katie (bikerchic) or me.
a really honest reply
would I do it again? - never ever not in this life tine or any other
lying - yup that just about sums it up. I hate lying Having an affair - (well not really an affair in my case - just something I did to end my JW marriage) made me into what I hate most in others - a liar. I lied to others that it happened and I lied to myself that I had a good reason.
The damage to my self-esteem was enormous. Once I did it I was unsure if I really wanted out of the marriage so I kept it quiet for over a year. I got a serious infection as a result and had to hide that from my husband. My husband was an abuser and an elder - leaving him was not going to be easy. I felt shamed when with my friends even though they didn't know. I felt unworthy to ask for or try to get anything worth-while in my life. I felt like once I had cheated that I deserved the abuse in the marriage. I felt like if the marriage ended it really would be my fault
Guilt shame hiding and lying. I had a breakdown, thought continailly about suicide and dying (see the thread on suicide for that story - the short version).
When I couldn't take it anymore and I had made my plans to die I told the truth. I was shamed some more - more guilt piled on, and a lot more self-hatred and loathing.
It was not worth it. The reality was I could have just walked out the door and not gone back. I did it the hard way because the JWs had me convinced there was no other way.
But there are other ways. If he is abusive call a women's shelter and get help. Get counseling. Get out.
Then explore all you want - preferably with men who are not attached (don't need the guilt of being blamed for wrecking somebody else's marriage (not that I think you would be responsible but people will blame you anyways).
There is so much more out there than what you are getting now. Just find it/get it in a way that you can feel good about yourself at the end of the day.
If you decide to do it be safe and use protection. If it is only for sex make sure this guy knows how you feel.
My suggestion is seek out a support group and invest in a vibrator as somebody already mentioned. Work on getting yourself emotionally and financially stable before you leave your husband. Especially if you have children.
If your husband isn't physically abusive you should really try to stick it out there so you can get yourself together.
Your husband obviously has some real issues in his life as well. Have you tried to get him to counseling or AA? I know that probably seems hopeless and you seem like you are at the point where you don't even care anymore but it cannot hurt to try.
Are there ever any times when your husband is nice or seems normal or ok? If so maybe that would be a good time to have a serious heart to heart with him.
I am sure you already considered and tried all these things.
It only feels good until you wake up and you're next to someone you don't love. Do yourself a favor and get a marriage counselor before you consider "spicing it up" that way... really, if he's an SOB, divorce him, then date. Do your own thing, but don't do it to spite him, because you won't get the reaction you want, and the reaction won't come from him, it'll come from you... There's a certain amount of shame and guilt felt when one "cheats"... Marriage counseling helps, from what I have witnessed, and trying to build up your relationship with your spouse... if you still want to have him as your spouse, that is...
I played this game many years ago when my own first marriage died along with my belief in JW's and their religion.
I think that I had to do this before I settled down into a faithful relationship, so maybe it's an essential part of our development. I didn't stay for the benefit of our children, yet I now have a good relationship with them as they sought me out when they grew up.
As far as playing around is concerned, this all I know. Your wife will know that you're playing around. And you will know that she knows what you're doing. She will also know that you know that she knows that you know. And that is hellish. On the other hand, maybe Dormouse's spouse needs some knowledge like that so'as to get her own act together!
*gulp* I can't believe I'm sharing this, but here goes.
I had been with men all my life that cheated on me. Every single one. Until I met my first husband in college. He never cheated on me. He was an alcoholic and a workaholic and the marriage was a bad idea, but he never cheated on me. I was the one to have an affair. With a man I worked with and someone I eventually fell in love with. He eventually broke my heart. No I wasn't happy in my marriage, but having an affair was not the way to handle it. It is the action I most regret in my entire life. If I could take it back I would. I can never say enough "I'm sorrys" to my ex-husband. Not only did I hurt him, but like Lady Lee said...the pain I caused myself was enormous. ENORMOUS. Did I say it was enormous? It was enormous. I can never say enough "I'm sorrys" to myself.
That very stupid decision has impacted my self-esteem in ways I couldn't imagine. It has impacted the life of the man I had the affair with. It has impacted his relationship with his new wife (he was single at the time). It impacted his parents and his sisters. It has impacted my ex-husband's relationship with ANYONE he ever becomes interested in. And lastly and suprisingly, it has impacted my relationship with Neil. SIDENOTE: (When Neil and I started dating, I sat down with him during the first month or so and explained very truthfully why my first marriage failed. He was very, very gracious as he listened to my story. And it has taken him some time to accept it and he stuck with me nonetheless. But he will always wonder in the back of his mind if I am faithful. I am...and convinced I always will be after that. But knowing I've caused that doubt in my darling husband positively kills my heart! I am EXTREMELY careful with my male friendships today. I am VERY careful to not get too friendly with male friends or acquaintances. I do this to protect my husband's peace of mind, but more importantly to protect myself from seemingly "innocent" friendships that can escalate to inappropriate situations. I don't think this is necessarily the path for everyone recovering from an affair, but it is what I WANT to do for myself.)
I guess the two points I'd like to get across is:
1. THE RIPPLE EFFECT: You have NO IDEA how badly that one poor choice will "ripple" into bystanders' lives. Does the man have children? It will affect them. Is he married? It will affect his wife and perhaps a future husband of hers. Does he have parents? It will cause pain in their lives too. Does he have a job? It will affect his relationships with his coworkers and his boss. Do you have a job? It will affect your performance as well as this man's. Do you have friends? It will affect your relationship with them.
2. SELF-RESPECT: Because if you DO have this affair, one morning you'll wake up and realize your self-respect is gone. Your husband may be gone, your lover may be gone, and you've hurt the ones around you with your poor choice. I do not say this to be judgemental, but I say it with the hopes that I help you realize this very selfish decision HURTS YOU MORE than anyone else. But it STILL hurts those around you. (See #1.)
I know you need to make your own decision. But personally, I hope you don't do it. You may be in an abusive and unhappy relationship. But is having an affair the long-term solution to solve the BIG issue? I wish I could answer that. When I answered that same question several years ago, I thought it would solve my problems. Unfortunately it caused more than I ever dreamed. Please don't make my mistake. The fleeting moment of passion is not worth it.
Best of luck to you.
That took a lot of courage and you stated most eloquently what I was attempting to state.
((((berylblue)))) To be honest, outside of telling Neil and my best friend Elisa, this is the first I've talked about it. Not even my therapist knew about this one. I know you understand about the heartache issues. The damage I've caused myself can heal and scar over, but it will NEVER go away. And to be frank, I don't want it to. I need the pain as a reminder of what to NEVER do again. I'm overcoming the shame/stigma by sharing. I hope it helps jurs (or anyone else) make a responsible decision.
You show tremendous courage, both in facing your own life-decisions, and even more so in sharing it with the rest of us. Thank you.
Christianity or otherwise, the overwhelmingly preponderant evidence of every human society is that sex outside of marriage, and even more so within a marriage, is deleterious to our individual sense of self-worth.
the overwhelmingly preponderant evidence of every human society is that sex outside of marriage, and even more so within a marriage, is deleterious to our individual sense of self-worth.
lol. Wise guy.