Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)
Eventually, the trauma survivors I see glean their own answers to some of the mot fundamental human questions.You know what one of those fundamental answers was for me? My father was strict in some ways - always Please and Thank You. After dinner, we didn't get up without permission....and a thank you (usually with a kiss on the cheek) to our mother - whether hot dogs or steak. We were thanking her for her work in providing for us. And I don't disagree with that custom at all.
My current husband of 20 years has thanked me for my work in dinner at least 10 times in 20 years. It used to just break my heart to try so hard and he would finish his dinner and just get up and walk away, leaving me with my kids. My sweets knew it hurt me, so they'd make sure to say thanks and usually the same kiss....but I didn't make them do it - they just felt sorry for me.
Now the fundamental question (done in the most basic black/white thinking)......was my father more correct than my husband? Should we show fundamental manners - and teach them to our children? If so, then was my father correct in other things - monstrous beatings, rapes, animal killings? Or is my husband's dismissal of me correct - and his general tenderness in 20 years (and he is).
Believe it or not.....this fundamental sizing up between my father's beatings and thank you's vs my husband's distance and tenderness haunted me for over a year. Finally, I was able to put it into perspective, but it was a totally doubting year.
I love the quote, lauralisa, and will look into that book. Beautifully written - thank you so much.
I love it when someone resurrects this thread - imho, a beautiful thread of common minds.
Thank you for your replies. I read everything I can get my hands on. My daughter lives 1600 miles away. I and my ex have depleted our finances trying to help her out. She has lost her insurance and is trying to get public aid. She is barely able to keep her job due to her loss of time. Her alters are very active right now. She has had an extreme amount of stress and legal problems due to a promiscuous drug-abusing alter. Her self-abusing alter has made her pay for her mistakes with cuts from knees to thighs and wrist to underarm. She calls it her "ribbons of quivering flesh." She has been hospitalized several times forcibly and since she is not suicidal, she is released. She totaled her car several weeks ago... her and her boyfriend walked away with minimum injuries. She knows she is fortunate, but is unable to get cooperation from her alters to try to make life work. It is heart-breaking as a mother not to be able to care for her and solve these problems. I ache with love for this precious baby I love with all my heart. She is truly unique and talented. Any suggestions out there? Her fiancee is a true knight with a little rust on his armor (we all have flaws.) I hope he can handle all that goes on. I broke down in two months of dealing 24/7 with all the alters and trying to keep the wheels on the wagon. She insists she wants to be independent and her (adult) alters insist since I am not their mother they can lead whatever life they want to. Needless to say it is destructive. I appreciate the comments and any reading suggestions.
Walking Wounded and Company
Please visit http://www.sidran.org
It is an invaluable resource for just about everything you are in need of right now.
A few comments, if I may, however....
You are an incredible person and mother in your devotion to helping your daughter. You must learn quickly though how to proceed so as to keep yourself healthy... and this may break your heart to read, but... your very genuine, loving efforts to help her just might be exacerbating her condition.
In which area of the country do you and/or your daughter live? Please find a licensed psychotherapist, preferably one who is a member of the ISSD, as soon as possible to get expert and appropriate direction. This is critical.
I'll edit to post URLs that may help you in this regard
Another thing that strikes me after reading your last post - and I hope this makes sense (well, as much sense as anything can) - PLEASE, it is imperative that you and your daughter and her fiance know that ALL of her alters are well-meaning and think they are doing the best thing to protect the entire system, despite how their behaviors manifest. It's incredibly difficult to comprehend, but the only way to "get" to them is through a compassionate, accepting approach. If they are regarded as "bad" or "enemies" or such, no progress will be made, and it could get A LOT worse.
I hope you find some support, relief and comfort soon, and that things quiet down for everybody involved.
PS to waiting
I'd love to know what your conclusion was...
Hello again, Walking Wounded
I'm so glad you came back! Btw, a very wise man said (about a year ago) that our forum was "filled with the walking wounded." We are wounded, but we keep walking....however, the wounds themselves keep interferring with our lives - or we walk too much and put too much pressure on our wounds. Tricky life we're trying to get on with.
You and your daughter both are walking wounded, imho. Even though your paths crisscross - they're not the same paths. Laura gave some excellent advice. I don't quite know how you could help your daughter into a qualified therapist if she's on state aid. A lot would depend on her capability to reach out and get in touch with the proper people. However, the words "state aid" and "proper people" don't necessarily go hand n' hand.
I think any emotional/physical problem can drain the caregiver tremendously - like Laura said...protect your wellbeing - you deserve that. As a mother, could you be projecting some of your guilt for not being the All Knowing Mom into the situation. Ie: trying too hard?
When I first found out about my daughter's molestation, she refused to see a therapist. I developed some problems within several months, and suggested that we go together, just for the first couple of times & I would pay. She agreed.
We then separated into private visits with same woman. Several different times, the therapist asked me why I did some things for my daughter, a little out of the ordinary in her opinion. I just shrugged, but she irritatingly kept asking me. I finally said "I just feel so guilty!" And I did - she was MY daughter. I didn't protect her. "But you didn't know." "I KNOW that - but the guilt's still there." Sometimes, I think mothers bring forth life to guilt as soon as they bring forth life. Lol, even beforehand - what we've been told we did wrong while bakin' the bisquit.
Anyway, if all of us on this thread could actually touch each other - I would say there would be hugs and tears all the way around. Some for our parents (or what could have been), ourselves, our mates, and our precious children.
Take care - waiting
Walking please email me
A not-so-silent lamb
Aspire to inspire before you expire
Hello out there in cyber space,
Thank you for your replies. Guilt was and is an on-going emotion in this situation with my daughter. She has pressed my guilt button ever since I found out about the abuse. But after a raging screaming argument between the both of us, we both realized our anger was at the wrong person. (Me) I did not ask him to do these things to my daughter. I entrusted her care to a man that out of love and respect for her, me, and the rest of his family should not have even contemplated such evils. The guilt is beginning to subside. I am sure it will never go away, but its gradual waning has balanced our relationship to a reasonable degree. I finally stood up and refused to take the abuse she was dishing out in anger at me for not noticing the abuse. I have found it takes a lot of time to change the parameters of a guilt/abusive relationship.
As of yesterday, she has lost her job, due to not being able to get out of bed. In the morning she is not "herself" and the others will not cooperate. She sleeps very deeply - almost a hypnotic state. Sometimes it is impossible to bring her to consciousness. She has not been able to get medication and is running out of meds. She was taking Topamax, Effexor, Wellbutrin, and Clonapin. Her therapist (from insurance days) recently contacted her and gave her a phone no. she could call...until she can get help. It is hard to know these things are happening to my daughter... guilt or not... Fortunately, her fiancee is freed up to go to work now (his job was to get her to her job). My ex is paying her apartment rent so she is not homeless. The repurcussions of child abuse are damaging and far-reaching.