Need advice: Intimacy with my wife almost non existint because she considers me an apostate

by goingthruthemotions 103 Replies latest jw experiences

  • steve2

    relationship destroying behavior.

    Thanks DJS for your well articulated response. "Withholding sex" does not occur in a vacuum - although you could be forgiven for thinking that's the case when some men react to not "getting any" lately.

    Context counts for everything. I do not wish to frame this as "male-bad female-good" problem but unless the "meaning" of sexual relations is understood by both sides, sex becomes one more punishing variable within an already-strained relationship of so many other negative variables.

    But the phrase "Using sex as a weapon" is a staunchly male way of framing the problem. Only a male could come up with an explanation that speaks the language of aggression and warfare. It is ironic that when applied to women - long oppressed by male dominated societies - "weapon" is defined as a passive withholding. Power differentials are still very often in favor of males - but should a woman assert herself, watch out: Men will start using all manner of aggressive language to frame the problem.

    Yes, it is not a good relationship strategy to "withhold" sex. But neither is it a good relationship strategy to make significant announcements about a change in fundamental beliefs and not at some level reach out to one's confused and/or hurt spouse and build a safe environment so that both can work towards a respectful understanding.

    Remove the issue of religious differences, and this could be just another instance of a couple unable and/or unwilling to understand and "be there" for one another. And let's not forget the "bullying" non-JW wives can suffer when their husband starts developing an interest in the JW message and he insensitively can't keep his mouth shut about his faith and what he expects his wife to do. Even in this instance, I would want to look beyond the religion and see the wider context within which both parties function.

  • goingthruthemotions

    LOL....after reading my post, i realize how many miss-spellings i have and incoherent sentences i wrote. Sorry about that....i do have a degree in Engineering. So i guess writing coherent sentences is not a requirement.

    Simon, when is that spell checker going to be fixed?

    I was also very upset when i wrote it.....Bottom line is this. Now i am going thru the motions in my marriage. I despise this cult!!!!!!

  • stuckinarut2

    Its a sad situation.

    There are many sexless marriages out there.

    But it does seem in this situation that there is a lack of trust and open communication between both parties.

  • Sabin
    GTTM, do you laugh together?
  • cultBgone

    To classify any woman who does not feel like having sex as "withholding it" (as if using a weapon) shows a complete lack of understanding of women's emotions. Granted, there are probably many women who DO use sex as a weapon, and we all (including other women) consider them to be first class b*tches.

    But as Steve2 wisely pointed out: As a rule,whereas the male sexual drive can function even in the absence of love and affection, women's cannot. Why turn a physiological and psychological (sp corr) difficulty in sexual functioning into a combative phrase such as using it as a weapon?

    It's probably very difficult for some men to understand that women just don't get turned on when they are upset. It's not always a vindictive act, although in GTTM's case it may well be.

    I don't support an instant call for divorce where younger children are involved, but having grown up in a family where it would have been better had the parents divorced, I cannot condemn it either. The line about "children deserving two parents" does not take into account the negative drama that lives within a family when the parents cannot reconcile their relationship. Better to have great times separately with each parent than to have crappy times with them both.

    GTTM, only you can decide what the climate is like in your household and how you should handle it. Even though you are understandably angry at the cult, there may be a different feeling once some of this anger wears off. However, if your wife continues to act ugly and cold toward, it may be very difficult to try the "wine and dine" approach. I think many here totally understand your pain and anger. Perhaps by venting here to us, it will help you to lessen your anger level at home and allow you to clearly see the path you need to walk. Give yourself some time to see how this plays out. No matter what decisions you make, we will be here to support you.

  • wozza

    The situation won't change ,she's already mentally gone ,my next point my offend but here goes......

    Your situation sheds light on the the theory that women will only accept men iff they get what they want out of them ,when the well dries up so does the sexual favours . But then I also knew a brother who would hold back sex from his wife unless she succumbed to his "lord of the manor" ways because he knew she had a high libido.

    Maybe it's just human nature to be a selfish arse hole, and you both made a terrible decision to partner up.

  • StephaneLaliberte

    Also, just like the witnesses would advocate, try to win her over by your fine example. Be positive, happy, do good things for her, your kids(?), your family and friends. You used to spend at least 12 hours in that cult doing what ever? Don't waist that time now in front of the tv, do something productive with that time. Also, buy "Crisis of conscience" and leave it in a place you know she will see it.

  • dubstepped
    I haven't seen anyone address this so I will because it really struck me in the OP. GTTM said what's the use of being married if this is lacking, or something to that affect. My hope is that your relationship involves much more than sex that fills other needs of you both. If not, you've got bigger problems than a lack of sex. Intimacy involves much more than sex, which you seem to equate it with. Add in the lack of understanding of how your wife works as aa woman that has needs precluding sex instead of it just being sex for the sake of sexual release and you guys might want to see a marriage counselor to help work through some of this. Something like your awakening is devastating for her. She knows what you think of her and her organization. Without respect, love dies. You guys need to work on connecting again and this could be a great opportunity to work on other areas of your relationship and you could discover or rediscover things that being you closer than the Borg ever could.
  • steve2

    There's an old saying in relationship counselling circles that comes in handy when considering fundamental differences between (most) men and (most) women (acknowledging there will always be exceptions):

    Men "need" sex to express affection, whereas women "need" affection to express sex.

    If a women must be accused (by men) of "withholding" sex, men can certainly be accused in turn (by women) of "withholding" affection.

    The dubious phrase (again invented by males) "using sex as a weapon" can be extended to males as when they "use affection as a weapon".

  • _Morpheus
    It is utter nonsense to suggest men invented the phrase "using sex as a weapon". How could you prove in any respect which gender invented the phrase? Thats feminist tripe. What is most certainly provable is that, for a fact, women withold sex as means of manipulation and negative reinforcement, commonly called "punishment". Men didnt invent that.

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