Need advice: Intimacy with my wife almost non existint because she considers me an apostate

by goingthruthemotions 103 Replies latest jw experiences

  • _Morpheus

    Been there done that, got the tee shirt.

    It wont change. Ever. Use that as your guid in decision making and may thor be with you

  • DJS

    Are the children grown and on their own? If so, see a lawyer ASAP, get your ducks in a row and Make a New Plan, Stan.

    If the children are young, at home or not on their own - see a lawyer ASAP, get your ducks in a row and Get Yourself Free.

    "When I first started waking up my wife threatened no sex." Ms. GTTM is withholding sex as punishment. I call those ex-wives or ex-GFs. Now it's B4Right's and Driving Force's wives. They are wicked people; they just happen to control 100% of your sex lives. Let yourselves be emasculated. Internalize the hurt and pain. Remove your manhood and put it on the shelf. Cuckold yourself.

    Not me. Not ever.

  • B4Right

    I am in the same boat. I love my wife very much, but she has not learned to separate US from the Governing Body.

    As crazy as it may sound - I still go to the meetings because I love her and I think its the closest to what a christian should be doing.

    For years I do my part by being kind and affectionate as much as I can so she can at least "feel" I love her. I try very hard not to make a comment nor a facial reaction to anything that sounds dumb or stupid.She knows my hatred for the GB.

    From time to time she ask me my opinion and I try to be as "professional" as I can.

    last week in listening to the August JW broadcast something that was said on there made me burst out with "come-on-man"!! and she said "what"? I explained what was wrong with some statements and she got upset and stormed out. I went after her and she said leave me alone just "leave me alone".

    two days went by without a word from her- so I text her and told her in so many words- how in the world can you get mad at me and treat our relationship this way based on some men we dont know and will never meet. I married you for YOU and not because of the kingdom hall but because she was a spiritual person.

    That seem to calm her down and slowly we got back to normal. SO if you love her do your part to make her feel that despite being an apostate your love is not based on the organization but her. That may help a little.

  • Driving Force
    Driving Force


    Well when I read you post, I though how does GTTM know what is going on in my marriage. Since I announced this is a cult and I do not want do any of the JW things, she move out of the bedroom and does not speak to me any more. Of course no sex. It has been over six months now.

    So where I am now, we are still living in the same house, but I signed a contract last week for a rental flat I move in 6 weeks, she does not know yet. Divorce is the option I am going for, there is no way I am going to have this cult have any influence on my life anymore. I have been seeing a therapist and certainly he is helping me a great deal to cope with this cult shit. I feel good about the decision, but there is stormy weather ahead of me.

    Whatever you do GTTM think of yourself and look after yourself, your wife and my wife has the "Man in the sky" to look after them and we know how much help we will give them.

    All the best to you mate.


  • Diogenesister
    Have to go out gonna get back to you ☺
  • steve2

    Reading between the lines, it sounds like you have had some very frank discussions with your wife about your views on JW organization which have at some level hurt and even alarmed her.

    This man of hers had spoken in a way that took her by surprise and she just can't comprehend her "new" status of bring married to an apostate.

    You blame "the shite cult" - which gives some inkling of your own strong feelings. So, in your marriage, you've made it clear your views of the organization but neither of you has bothered to sit down and respectfully listen to the other about what it's now like for him/her.

    There's an absence of good will, with two very hurt individuals in some important ways unable or unwilling to "see" the others pain. Men seem more able than women under these sorts of tense settings to still feel like sexual intimacy.

    You're in the process of losing your wife and you seem incapable of helping her feel safe enough to pour her heart out to you. And she in turn cannot see your pain.

    Early steps would be for you to stop blaming the religion, curb making known your feelings about her religious beliefs and let her see by your actions you truly love and respect her - and not just so you can get your rocks off, either.

  • DesirousOfChange

    What Steve said!

    (With that silver tongue, I bet he was a great public speaker!)


  • Dissonant15

    Have you tried pointing out the hypocrisy of her actions? I never considered using sex as a weapon when my husband woke up before me. What about "your fine conduct may win them over/[back]"? And "render the marriage due"?

    I don't mean to add fuel to your fire but as an honest onlooker's opinion, it seems to me your wife is a mean and spiteful person at heart, addition to and beyond the WT's influence.

  • Israel Ricky Gonzales
    Israel Ricky Gonzales

    I went through the same issue when I woke up. We had already been going through a funk in the bedroom department prior to my awakening, but once she made up her mind that I was an apostate, there went any and all intimacy. There was even shunning from her at home. We went through a separation spell but have eventually reconciled.

    I guess the big thing that "broke the ice" is when she no longer said that she views me as an apostate, but as an unbelieving husband. It was a painful process to get to that point, a process that included marriage counseling at her request. We finally addressed years of unsaid business. I had to reaffirm her that I wasn't a threat to her spirituality. If that is what she wanted to do, continue being a JW, then I would accept her for that, just as she would have to accept me as "no longer a JW." I even had to admit to her that I was the one who changed, not her.

    But I feel your pain. It's not a good place to be at in a marriage. It almost led me to cheat on my wife. And thats the difficult part. I know it goes both ways. but I don't think JW women realize that by withholding in that department, it's only putting her marriage in jeopardy. And honestly, who wants to have "its my marital due" sex? That's no fun at all.

    Good luck!

  • LisaRose

    It's hard to give advice without knowing what your wife is like or what your sex life was previously, but as an older woman I can tell you what works generally with most women. You could remind her that the bible says a wife is obligated to "render her due", and that applies even if you are not a believer, but you don't want her to have sex because she has to, that would not work for either of you. I was stuck in a marriage like that, by the end I couldn't stand to have him touch me.

    The big difference between men and women when it comes to desire is that women generally need to feel affection with someone before they will desire them sexually. If she isn't feeling romantic towards you, it will take work to get her feeling that way again. The thing men sometimes forget is that you need to be romantic all the time, not just when you want sex. Do you hold her hands? Do you give her compliments? Offer to help with the dishes once in a while, just because. Do you go out for dinner with just the two of you? My husband and I have "date night" every week. If money is an issue, date night could be Netflix and a bottle of wine. The point is that it is just the two of you and no cell phones or computers. You could also go for walks with her, that will give you time to talk and start feeling connected.

    At first you need to do these things with no attempt to have sex. Otherwise she will just feel manipulated. If you do these things and she responds with affection towards you, then you can move towards more intimacy. At first just kissing. If she responds to that, you go a little further. Let her set the pace, do not move to the next step until she is ready. Once you get to the point of intimacy, don't blow it! Patience is a virtue. Do not attempt sex unless she is aroused, foreplay is very important. If you do not know what turns her on, then ask. If you have been communicating well otherwise, then you both should be able to communicate about this. If she doesn't know what turns her on, then you have a problem. The best way for women to learn what turns them on is self stimulation, but of course JWs are usually afraid to do that. You can still figure it out if you are both willing, but it will take some work. In general, women rarely climax with only vaginal intercourse, they need other kinds of stimulation. If you want her to have a good time, then you will have to learn what works for her.

    If she doesn't respond to any of this, then your problems run deeper. Possibly she didn't ever enjoy sex and was just doing it to please you. If that is the case, you will have a much harder job. If you want to save the marriage you will need to see a marriage counselor. If she refuses, then you might have to consider divorce. In my experience many JW marriages were like this, for whatever reason. Sex is important and a marriage cannot be fulfilling without a healthy sex life, so it's worth investing the time to make it work.

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