Need advice: Intimacy with my wife almost non existint because she considers me an apostate

by goingthruthemotions 103 Replies latest jw experiences

  • OrphanCrow
    Vidiot: Not that you're knocking the occasional bump in the dark... :wink:

    Hell no.

    Bumps in the dark can be a lot of fun at times. It doesn't even have to be dark...

  • steve2

    If the language must be around "withholding" or "using sex as a weapon", men must also be accountable in that regard. Some men are prone to "withhold" affection and act is if their wife should respect them as head of the household without question. It's all downhill from there. Sure, JW organization and other fundamentalist groups try to give a positive role to that position. But the fact remains, under that kind of marital headship, women have little legitimate power and control. All men see is the women "withholding" and "using sex as a weapon". These men cannot see how their own behaviours and attitudes contribute to the end result. Potentially a husband can go to the elders and report he is not getting his "due" and his wife expect to be counselled by the elders.Can you imagine the wife ever taking the initiative and reporting in the ifrst instance to the elders that her husband routinely expects sex but displays no respect and compassion towards her?

    I know these difficulties can be compounded by many other variables, some not within the individual spouse's control, others even beyond both spouses control. But to pitch the blame at the most "powerless" member of the marriage is to ignore the power structure behind it. Only someone who lacks actual power would respond, not with aggression based on actual power of headship, but perhaps passive withdrawal out of a sense of learned helplessness.

  • Vidiot

    OrphanCrow - "It doesn't even have to be dark..."

    Do tell...

  • mana11

    Maybe an elder has instructed her how not to do to you! have you considered this angle?

  • goingthruthemotions

    i know that some have mentioned talking to an elder...but, i will not give any elder that kind of power over me or my family.

    i would rather talk with a professional therapist.

  • Olivia Wilde
    Olivia Wilde
    I agree with Steve & Ricky G, you u to tell her you married her & not tge religion.... approach your concerns in a positive way, & be affectionate with her in that way she would realize your love for her is independent of her & your religious beliefs.... woman le to be loved & kept on their toes give her admiration .... then down the road give your family worship a history study on the JW with the proclaimers book & use the references there to do ur own research & introduce the copies of the actual watchtowers, u can find them on the internet being taught in the 1900s, & say "oh look at here what it actually says on the WT" playing u didn't know avoiding malice though but playing it guillable, say u want to have family worship night & bring the proclaimers book... just a thought. .. but I agree every marriage should have intimacy & the more the better I feel just as strong as you about it jejeje
  • Mad Irishman
    Mad Irishman

    Hey, this has to do with trust and intimacy. If you're wife has lost her trust in you she is not going to want to be intimate. That is how most women work. If she came home and told you she was joining ISIS you might have the same reaction. To her that is what she is feeling (not that the two are the same; just using that as an example). You've got to be able to understand that and have some empathy for her. Her world has just been turned upside down. How would you feel if you were her?

    It sucks, but it certainly is understandable, especially if you've been married a while.

  • Vidiot

    goingthruthemotions - "...some have mentioned talking to an elder... i would rather talk with a professional therapist."

    Hell, a professional dog-walker would be more qualified... :smirk:

  • Boeing Stratofortress
    Boeing Stratofortress


    similar (not same) situation here. Check ur PMs.

  • stillin

    In my case there are a couple of other factors in this lack of intimacy that haven't been touched upon here.

    My wife is an independent thinker. Well, as much as an all-in cult member can be. She was abused as a young girl by her father and the cult-member father of a young girl friend. Then she began to notice that it's a man's world and it's not so great, but she is going to stick with it for the long haul, even if she resents 99 out of a hundred men for their arrogance. I hoped to be that rare exception.

    We had plenty of sex for plenty of years. Then life started to pile up on her. And I was "in the mix." And I am a man. And her biological clock simply says that she is done with sex. She's been through her menopause, she's probably bipolar, judging on some of her episodes. I'm the perfect sucker because I keep hoping but I know that sex just is not very likely to ever be part of our marriage again.

    I was likely not the most creative husband, sexually, that a woman could hope for. She sometimes intimates that there is no sex because I don't deserve her love, but I also know that I have been decent and good for her. I've weathered her storms and make every attempt to keep our home a place of peace and rest, only to be greeted most mornings with bitterness and, I guess something close to hatred.

    sure, she'd like me to regain my good standing in the congregation. She has better control over me that way. But I'm not ever going to return to the "fold" thinking that great sex is my reward. Great sex MIGHT come around if I cheat on her, but then I would have to live with that. And I'm not made that way. I'm almost jealous of guys who jump from bed to bed. But they aren't me and I'm not them. So.

    Make a new plan, Stan?

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