I'm an adult former member of the religion and I wanted to reach out to my aging parents to say good bye in a way. They have been shunning me for a while now. I was DF’d in the past and they are unaware that I’m no longer trying to come back and as such hope I will "come to my senses" and return.
I'm an atheist now, and I will never be returning to their religion. Since I know they will not be able to ever talk to me again (they are true believers and very active, my Dad's an Elder) I came to tell them I love them very much and want to say good bye while I still have the chance (they are up in age). I explain to them that I know they view me as if I am spiritually have died, and effectively have to treat me as if I am dead (virtually no contact). This to me, means I lose my parents too because most attempts to contact them fall on deaf ears (emails, letters, texts, etc).
I decided to show up announced in the evening, weighting the pros and cons that the rudeness of doing so compared to the risk calling in advance would have resulted in them asking why I was coming and probably would tell me not to come. My father let me in the house because, to use his words, he was "following the good Samaritan and wanted to offer help to me if I needed it.” After seeing there was no “family emergency” and that I wasn’t “destitute” they did at least let me talk for them for about an hour but made it clear that this can't happen again unless there is an emergency. It was hard for me to start the conversation, I was crying because I missed my parents. They started crying too. Here is the gist of the conversation:
Me: I know you view me as spiritually dead, that I have no hope for the future, and have to treat me as if I have died. This puts me in a situation as if I have lost both of you too. I want the opportunity to say good bye to you guys just like a son would want the chance to talk to his parents once last time on their death bed in a hospital.
Here is the gist of our conversation (likely somewhat out of order and slightly different from what was actually said as it’s hard to remember all the details after the fact):
Dad: Come on in and sit down. Let’s talk.
Me: I love you both very much and I miss you.
Dad & Mom: We love you more than you ever will know.
Me: I realize you probably don’t want to hear this, but I wanted to let you know that I will never return to the religion, any religion. I lack belief in the supernatural. I’m an atheist.
Dad: Well you say that now, but just as a person who gets a tattoo never thinks he will regret getting one, you may change your mind too in the future.
Me: It’s possible people can change their mind. That’s true, but for me, in this case, what I have learned just is not compatible with my former beliefs. It’s not like I believe deep down that God exists but somehow deny it. I just lack belief. I mean no offense by saying this… It’s not like I believe deep down that the tooth fairy exists, but just deny it. I just lack belief.
Me: But I’m not here to get you to change your minds about your beliefs or adopt my point of view about religious beliefs.
Dad: And we respect how you feel. Of course respect it and agree are two different things.
Me: That’s true and I feel the same way about you.
Me: I’m here because I want you to know I love you. Dad, I really enjoyed all the time you and I did fun things together growing up. How we would sit outside with a telescope and look at the stars and the moon. Mom, I fondly remember the times you and I were at an amusement park riding rides together and hearing you laugh and scream. I have great memory of being with you.
Dad: And we want you to have found memories of us and your childhood.
Me: But one thing bothers me, while I do have these fond memories I feel like I wasn’t always the best son to you two.
Dad: Don’t say that you were a great son. I also feel like I wasn't always the best father to you. I regret the mistakes I made too. We all make mistakes.
Me: Thanks Dad and I don't hold the mistakes you made against you. I see the humanity in you dad and I appreciate having you in my life (My dad an I didn't always have the best relationship in my teen years), but I’m talking about how I always wanted to be an adult and grow up fast, I often didn’t like being a kid and as such I think that impacted how close I was able to get to you too. Now that I’m older I realize how precious you two are and I want you to be in my life and I want to be in yours. Once I was on my own I didn’t visit you two that often. I regret that. Mom, I feel like I never got the chance to get to know you that well, more so than Dad, and I want the opportunity to developer a closer relationship with you, and you as well Dad.
Me: I don’t know how much time I have left; will you two be here 10 years from now? 15? 20? Since I’m not coming back to the religion it pains me to think I won’t be able to have a close relationship with either of you and to enjoy the little time together we have left.
Mom: Well, you can do that, all you have to do is just return to Jehovah and we can be a family again.
Me: But that’s the problem, I don’t believe the same things they do. I don’t believe in God. There is nothing for me to return to. Do you expect me to fake it and come back to the religion and lie to myself to deny myself of who I am and what I’ve come to learn? I’d be deceiving myself if I did that.
Mom: We don’t want you to come back just for us, that would not be the right motive.
Me: What am I supposed to do then? What if I was raised in an Amish family? If we all were Amish? If I left, I’d be shunned too, simply for not believing the same way you guys do and you also couldn’t talk to me. They too probably wouldn’t want their son or daughter to return just to be with them, but for them him/her to come back to God.
Dad: That’s not the same thing. We’re God’s organization, they are false religion.
Me: I guess what I’m trying to say is, why does religion have to come between parents and their children? It’s frustrating and painful not to have you two in my life.
Mom: You do realize it’s hard for us to.
Me: Yes I do, I know you are hurting, I’m hurting, and my friends are hurting. I am very distraught that everyone is in so much pain.
Dad: Your friends know you care, we know you care.
Me: Thanks Dad, but this all seems so unnecessary. This just needless pain and agonizing for all involved.
Dad: That is true. It is needless. This is why if everyone did things Jehovah’s way we wouldn’t have to go thru such heartbreaking situations.
Me: Dad, I know you aren’t going to like me saying this, but how is that not blaming the victim?
Dad & Mom: You aren’t a victim.
Dad: We did not leave you. We were always here for you. You are the one that left us by your choice of actions and attitude that lead to you being kicked out of the religion.
Me: Dad, while I do regret that I left the religion for dishonorable reasons (adultery) that has nothing to do with my decision not to return. In fact, I wish I would have just left the religion by disassociating myself for disbelief instead. But that would not change how you view the situation would it?
Dad: No, it wouldn’t
Me: But to my point, how is this my fault? The fact is I cannot come back to the religion because I just don’t believe in it anymore.
Mom: You keep saying religion. It isn’t religion you’ve turned your back on, it’s Jehovah. We just want you to come back. I pray to him every day that you will return.
Me: Mom, I’m right here in front of you now. I want to be a part of your life, I want you to be a part of mine.
Mom: I’m not saying I want you to return to me, I want you to return to Jehovah. That’s the only thing I want.
Me: Mom, I know you think it is in my best interest to be part of this religion, that my life is on the line. I respect that. But I’m sure the Amish mother also prays form her child to return to God, and thus the Amish faith as well.
Mom: I don’t want to argue with you.
Me: Okay mom, I don’t want to either. I just feel like my family is being held ransom from me. If I want them to be in my life I have to return to this organization. I feel, from my perspective that I’m being extorted in a way.
Dad: You do know we feel differently.
Me: Yes, of course and that’s why I said this is how it makes me feel. I just don’t understand how this is loving for this rule to be in place where parents and children cannot spend time together simply because they don’t believe the same way (just as with the Amish).
Dad: This isn’t a rule. This is what God tells us is the best thing to do. Again, the Amish are completely different than our situation.
Me: I just bring that up because I recently watched the movie, “The Shunning,” about this Amish girl who left her faith, for good reasons unlike me mind you, but still was shunned and lost her family and friends. I found it very hard to watch and saw a lot of parallels.
Mom: I would find that hard to watch too.
Me: Mom, Dad, Why does religion have to come between us. Dad, remember a couple years ago when you and I raced those 50 MPH go karts together? That was a blast. We didn’t talk about religion then. Could we continue to do fun things together and just not go there about the religion? Mom, why can’t you and I go walk in a park and enjoy each other’s company and the nice weather, the natural sites? We can do these things without religion ever coming up.
Mom: True, but you still don’t believe the same way we do and if we spend time with you our faith can subtle begin to wither by you saying things inadvertently that is different to our perspective on matters. We simply don’t know you anymore. You’re a different person.
Me: I just don’t see why this has to be a black and white thing. Why it’s either you cannot be with me, or I have to return to the religion. Surely there can be some ancillary alternative. Some second, third, forth, fifth, etc… way to solve this problem. Why must it be an unsolvable problem?
Mom: Son, some problems just are unsolvable.
Dad: We have to trust that doing things Jehovah’s way will work out for the best in the end no matter how painful it is.
Me: I have some things I wanted to give you. Dad, this is an inauguratory pin celebrating the first interleague play in baseball back in 1997. I really enjoyed going to baseball games with you growing up. I remember how you took me out of school on opening day to watch the game. Thanks for doing that. I wanted to give you this to remind you of those fun times.
Dad: I can’t believe you kept this.
Me: I kept this pin since I was a kid, thinking it would be worth something in the future when I grew up, along with all the baseball cards I liked collecting as a kid. Funny, I checked on ebay today and the last one sold for $0.50.
Mom: You [Dad] were always trying to tell him that these things probably weren’t going to be worth much. (We all laugh).
Dad. Oh, I can’t take this. This is a memory.
Me: I know and I want you to have it. Please keep it for me Dad.
Me: Mom, I have a picture of me as a four year old in my room decorated with Dinosaurs toys, bedding, books, etc. Since it’s a Polaroid, I’m sure it’s the only copy. I want you to have it.
Dad: Again, that’s a memory why would you give this away?
Me: Dad, it’s okay I scanned the photo.
Dad: It’s not the same thing. (He’s holding the photo now, clenching it, and tears going down his eyes).
Me: It’s okay dad. I want her, you, to have these things. I choose this photo specifically because I really did love dinosaurs and I’m sure it took work and sacrifice to buy me all that stuff to decorate my room like that. I know you cared about me and I just want to say thank you.
Me: Along these lines, both of you also got me that microscope where I could look at mosquito heads and other cool stuff. You bought me books on the solar system. I really liked science a lot. I didn’t realize how much until recently. I looked back on my grades in high school and I got a 99% in biology, 94% in chemistry, 95% in some other science. I’ve been fascinated with this stuff all my life. I still find it fascinating and why I continue to learn about these things.
Mom: Are you happy?
Me: Well, going thru all these hard emotional times (I’m also going thru a divorce) isn’t easy. But I would say that having the freedom to accept facts and to not be forced to believe certain things is worth any price (I’m being careful not to go into evolution directly or say way I don’t believe, etc).
Dad: Jehoavh doesn't want anyone to believe in him because they feel like they are being forced.
Me: Don't remember what I said.
Mom: Okay, well, like you brother says he is happy...
Me: I sense some sarcasm in your voice. What is wrong with my brother (he also left, but faded instead.)
Mom: Have you been in contact with him?
Me: No, I tried calling him via several numbers that people said were his. But I can’t contact him.
Mom: Well he has a hard time keeping a phone with him living in different shelters and what not.
Me: I suppose he’s involved with drugs or something?
Mom: Well he hangs out with that type of environment so it wouldn’t surprise us.
Me: Well that’s unfortunate.
Mom: This is what happens when people leave Jehovah. All my children are not in the truth and you all are in deep trouble.
Me: Well I hope everything turns out well with him. I know you guys tried hard to raise us well and give us the best life you could. Again, I have found memories about you reading Robinson Crusoe to me Dad. Mom, the Hardy Boy’s books. I know you guys wanted the best for us, and still do.
Dad: Smiles, and says “Robinson Crusoe” to himself.
Dad: I don’t know if this conversation should keep going. The Father side of me wants you to stay here forever. Your mom and I don’t want you to go. But we need to keep our loyalty towards Jehovah. Loyalty to him is more important than family bonds. I now you probably had more things to say about the memories we had together (and I did) but it would just cause problems if we kept talking about them.
Me: Well, again I love you two.
Mom & Dad (crying too): We love you so much, more than you ever know.
Me: Dad, Mom, I want you to know that the door is always open on my end. You are welcome to call me or visit me at any time.
Dad: Yes we do need your current address and number in case of an emergency.
Me: Well I need to use the rest room (after giving them my contact information and then come back). Hey, I see you remodeled the bathroom. It looks really nice.
Me: Well I guess it’s time for me to go now.
Dad: You know we want to hug you right? But you know we just can’t, right?
Me: Is that because it would be too much for you to handle right now emotionally?
Dad: We… We.. just can’t.
Mom: I love you son (crying).
Me: I love you guys too. I hope the best for both of you. Good bye.