This is a letter I wrote to an elder in 2009 regarding the effects of the shunning on me and my 8 year old son. I've yet to receive any reply. The letter wasnt even acknowledged.
Dear Jerry
I hope you don’t mind me writing to you but I was wondering whether you would be interested to know how the shunning has affected Tim and I at the gates of W***** Primary School over the last 18 months. I apologise if you are not in the least interested, please don’t read any further.
When I disassociated I genuinely thought some would shun me as per the Society’s directive, but I was emotionally unprepared for my close friends who knew me so well, to have almost relished an opportunity to shun, especially those sisters that like to frequent the M&S coffee shop regularly. The lack of love displayed was truly hard to bear.
Initially I was shocked that the sisters at the school gate, namely Lisa, Christine Morgan and Sian, were so cold and uncaring. They seemed to take the shunning to their hearts and applied it to the letter, ignoring Tim as well as I. regardless if I continued saying good morning to them or not.
This surprised me as I genuinely thought they were true friends. Although they would be sad at my leaving, I thought they would understand and still say hello. How very naive of me! The only exception has been a request by Sian for a letter to be passed on to her. I gave her the letter gladly and she has returned to ignoring me as usual. I guess its ok to waive the rules and talk to me when they want something yes?
The hurt and pain in my heart used to ache constantly to the point where Tim and I both dreaded walking up the school driveway morning and afternoon, knowing that we were being treated like pariahs by people be both had known and loved.
My own personal hurt came to a head the day that Lois was waiting for a sister at the front of the school one morning last summer. At that particular time my mum was in the hospital in post surgery having just had the cancer tumour removed from her bowel. She had had a really lousy weekend and had been in terrible pain. I had been at the hospital every possible moment during that time and was physically and emotionally drained seeing her in such pain. On the school driveway that morning I was hopeful that my sisters would talk to me, perhaps ask how mum was doing or even just throw me a smile of understanding. I really needed a friend that day!
Instead I was ignored by Sian and Lisa who were busy chatting together, and as I approached Lois at the base of the driveway, she turned her back on me.
To be honest Jerry, I don’t think I have ever felt as devastated as I did at that moment. To see my dear sister, whom I had been a support to throughout Doug’s bowel cancer illness (Lois's father in law) and a help when Seth (Lois's husband) had his motorbike accident, turn her back on me when I needed her most was the cruellest of hurts. I got back to my car and was almost hysterical with hurt, so much so that I was hyperventilating and could hardly breathe. Even today, 8 months on, when I remember that day, the pain in my heart stabs me through and tears are never far away.
Seth tried to excuse Lois by telling me it was up to her individual conscience to behave that way. To be frank, her behaviour that day showed, not a conscience but a lack of one. It makes me very sad to know that such a caring friend as Lois will allow the “rules” of the Society to come before a show of genuine love and compassion to one who was her friend.
However the affect all this has had on Tim has been more serious. His behaviour in the classroom began to deteriorate and he began to manifest some odd body movements. His anxiety increased markedly with his breathing being fast and shallow and his eating and weight decreasing rapidly.
His sleeping patterns became poor and his temper extremely volatile with regular head banging on classroom desks and walls. This continued for all his time in year 3.
His teachers and I were extremely worried about this change of behaviour and he was sent for an assessment at Oak House in N****** to be seen by a team of child psychologists. Their initial assessment concluded that Tim was autistic and they recommended a course of behavioural therapy that would help him cope.
All this time I suspected that a lot of Tim’s problems were due to the shunning at school but this suggestion wasn’t taken seriously by the healthcare team or teachers. They didn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of the emotional bullying Tim and I were enduring.
His teachers began to help him in class, but it wasn’t until I regularly began to take him to school through the rear entrance, avoiding the driveway and the sisters wherever possible, that we began to see real improvement. As he entered year 4, virtually all his anxiety symptoms have eased and he is my happy, normal little boy again.
A follow-up consultation with the child psychology team have since concluded that he is not autistic after all, but his symptoms were indeed the result of stress caused by the shunning at the school.
Whilst I am pleased to see Tim well and to have the autistic diagnosis changed, this does not mean that I am happy about what has transpired here. I am very angry, as any parent would be. It’s truly disgusting to shun an adult, but to shun a child is despicable. I am appalled by the behaviour of the sisters at school and I thank Jehovah every day that I am no longer part of such a group of people that can behave so cruelly in His name. Yet I also know just how bad a witness has been given by this action. Many scores of people at the school, at my place of work and at my husband's work colleagues have observed how Tim and I have been treated and are disgusted by the Witnesses. I eagerly look forward to the day when Tim no longer attends W****** Primary and I would have readily changed schools sooner if he hadn’t started to improve.
To this course I am writing a letter to the head teachers and child health professionals in the district outlining the adverse mental health reactions that have befallen us as a family and the many thousands in the wider ex witness community. I feel very strongly that such adverse reactions are often hidden from the mental healthcare teams and teachers due to the benevolent front the witnesses like to portray. I feel something needs to be said to redress the balance so that these professionals are able to understand the stresses of being a witness (or ex-witness) and therefore assist in the care they can offer. No doubt many will interpret this as “beating the brothers”, but this is not my motive. On the contrary, if the professionals can draw on my experience to assist other brothers in need of their services then that can only be a good thing.
Hoping that you and all the family are keeping well.