AUNT CONNIE- Welcome to the board. Like yourself I was a born-in JW from birth. At age 44 I stopped attending meetings due to unjust and criminal conduct by allegedly " spirit appointed elders " . That was 9 years ago. I relate to the tension you are speaking of. My dad was a city overseer for almost 40 years. I have an older brother who has been an elder for 40 years, was at Bethel for 8 years. And guess who had pressure put on HIM to live up to the family legacy ? Right, me.
Did I have the capability to live up to that legacy ? Sure I did. I had circuit assembly and district assembly parts, was a Ministerial servant for 6 years giving traveling public talks in my 20's - but I CHOSE to step aside due to the very problems you are talking about. Politics and over controlling lunatics power mad giving out orders to underling publishers who are judged unfairly because they got in 6 hours a month in service instead of the national average of 10 hours ! But like you stated if you and your elder husband are having to martyr yourselves for every " weak " JW in your congregation with a damned hangnail - then the underling lunatic JW publishers you provide service to - have taken over the asylum.
So- If that's the case you need to ask yourself about all these incongruous situations causing you duress . Is it possible that the WT organization is screwed up from the top down from the GB down to the elders trickling down to the publishers in the congregation ? Perhaps it's the WAY things are done in the organization that is driving you crazy . So much emphasis is put on performing " WT functions " perfectly that the fruitages of the spirit " love, joy, peace, mercy, kindness, etc. " are cast aside as an afterthought because the main priority is the doing and performing of these WT functions perfectly.
You yourself mentioned that your husband likes the limelight in his position in the organization. That's not exactly a crime as you mentioned - it can and has brought you many " benefits ". That being said having been a JW for over 40 years I am also quite aware that in many JW's that they emphasize " outward appearances " and how they " appear " to others in the congregation in their respective positions of authority as compared to being just someone who wants and desires to do loving kind acts without getting any attention or notoriety at all.
Think about it. If you stepped out of the Jehovah's Witness hurricane for just a few minutes and had a vantage point or view of it from somewhere else than the eye of the hurricane inside a kingdom hall - you would see families being swept around in a windstorm and tornado being divided ( such as is happening even in your family ) and much pain of heart and shunning and suffering going on.
As an inactive JW I appeal to your sense of conscience. In my allegedly " spiritual " JW extended family - I have some of my JW relatives who will associate with me. I don't smoke, don't drug, don't cheat on my wife- in fact I'm a better person than I was inside the Witnesses. Yet even though I've done NOTHING to be DFed for, I have two adult " pioneer " daughters who have shunned me for 9 years. Do I deserve this ? No. Why do my daughters shun me ? Because they are being taught screwed up , psychologically damaging hate speech and conduct from the WT Society. And yet, I understand also my daughters are controlled by a " high control " organizationin their minds. If my daughters needed me tomorrow, I'd be right there with love to help them. And THAT my friend is how you separate the hate from the pain you are feeling about your life. You have to dig deeper and see what is causing you this deep down frustration. It's not just the dumb publishers. It's not your " stupid " parents. ( your words, not mine )
What's causing your angst is within yourself and until you are honest with yourself and research this organization on your own instead of taking everything they say on credulity - you'll remain the same frustrated, unhappy individual you are revealing to us. Do yourself big favor, get REAL access to information about the WT Society and the REAL light will start gradually being revealed to you . Then the tornado and hurricane in your life will calm down. Just my 2 cents. I wish you the best . If you ever want to talk on the phone or chat, just private mail me or my wife, we'd love to talk