My sucky situation

by brotherdan 98 Replies latest jw friends

  • Is this it?
    Is this it?

    I would give it some time. My husband left the organisation 12 years ago and at the time I felt a great deal of anger towards him. It was like he had betrayed me and similar to your wife it was not part of the nice JW plan I had in mind. It is only 12 years later that I have come to finally accept that this is not Jehovah's organisation - if you can hold out that long!

    One thing he made sure was that the children did not go on FS, as he felt strongly this really set them apart from other churchgoing families and always celebrated their birthday/Xmas even though it was a real effort to muster up the enthusiasm for these ocassions. It has paid off over time as my exit from the JWs has been easy on the kids as they have not seen any big changes other than they don't go to boring meetings anymore!

    Maybe your wife needs some time to work through her feelings and find a way you can both function in a 'divided' household. Confrontation should be avoided. As long as you push, she will push back and closer to the organisation. For as long as you are there for her, you are able to chip chip chip away over time at those strongly entrenched ideas.

  • jwfacts

    Welcome BrotherDan,

    My life course went along the same path as yours, 7 years of pioneering/bethel. Was always in trouble for the pettiest things and left depressed and disillusioned. I had no interest in exerting myself for the org after that despite all the pushing from the congregation. I married a slack Witness. Luckily our paths divert there, as my wife left when I did after seeing the hypocrisy of how I was treated. She was stumbled by the conditional love of the congregation.

    Regarding your wife, if she sees you as a spiritual threat she will go to the elders, with disfellowshipping being the likely result. That will have a severe impact on you marriage and ability to help your children and wife in the future. I suggest you step back and not rock the boat at this time. It feels hypocritical being part of a system that you know is wrong, but it is worth taking time to work things through.

    Going to meetings is not so bad if you tune out - at least it is only twice a week now. A family study is ok as well; you can ask probing questions that get your wife thinking without ever saying a thing. In time she may get used to things as they are and accept your lack of enthusiasm for the organisation. Eventually she may even accept you not going to meetings as long as you allow her and the kids to go. That is a far better option than having almost no contact with your children.

  • wannabefree

    brotherdan ... I feel for you, I am currently in a very similar situation, my wife is raised in, its all she knows, and I hit her with the whole thing because I couldn't keep it in and needed to share ... she was the wrong one to share it with. I have since back pedaled and am trying to work on a strategy. So far I have found that in my case, the cognitive dissonance my wife has is actually working in my favor for the moment. It was not an easy awakening for you, it won't be for her either.

    If you want to save this marriage, be resolved to be patient, she will have to be able to trust you. I am not out of the woods, I myself have only just entered it, hoping to come out the other side with my family. Here you will find that the wealth of knowledge, similar experiences, different suggestions and techniques are quite helpful. Its war. The Watchtower plays to win.

  • changeling

    Welcome brotherdan!

    It's been my experience that people who have no doubts about the WT are not ready to smell the coffee. You've already opened the can of worms, so, if you want to continue married to your wife (and happily so), you need to back track and close the can back up.

    Reassure your wife of your love and devotion, be honest about where you stand, taking whatever meassures you need (no meetings, field service, etc) but don't discuss any topics that make her unconfortable or expect her to follow your lead. In time, if she sees you continue to honor the marriage, she may soften her stance, but even if she doesn't, at least you'll have a happy family.

    Remember, you can't make her want to leave the WT any more than she can make you want to stay.

    Oh and listen to OTWO, he's been in your shoes. :)

  • OnTheWayOut

    If you are not used to JWN, it is impossible to know you have a PM unless you check. BD, you have a PM.

  • Think About It
    Think About It

    Brotherdan........great first post and followup posts. Sorry to see the sticky situation with your wife. I'm surprised how quickly she played the divorce card on you, when JW's are indoctrinated with "Jehovah hates a divorcing". Probably is at this point just a threat, but work to not lose your family over this cult. Your mind is now free, but you may need to slow down and put on a pretense in order to buy time to slowly deprogram your wife. Take it slow, use the JW happenings & propaganga to bring doubt to her mind and offer to go do fun things as a family instead of going to the meetings. Good luck and look forward to your thoughts and contributions on other threads.

    Think About It

  • wantstoleave

    Welcome! It was refreshing to read your posts, about how spiritual you were and how most of us on here can relate. We can also relate to your seeing the light and are all working through issues of one type or another. My ex had serious doubts some years ago but I was like your wife, and stood my ground that his thinking was skewed. We remained married for another year, til he left one day and we've not heard from him since. Ironically, he is still a witness but here I am!

    You really only have 2 options. Stay quiet and she'll think you no longer think the way you do, or stand firm to your new beliefs and be prepared for the fall out.

    I find it amazing she brought up divorce so fast too. To me, that sounds alarm bells that she doesn't love you as much as she says. If she's that willing to throw everything away so soon, I think her feelings go deeper. You may need to stress to her how much you do love her, that your feelings for her will never change. Assure her, because women need that - I'm sure you already have but it won't hurt to reiterate it.

    If the elders become involved, and she's more than likely spoken to family or friends about it, if not the elders, then you will have to make a choice. BUT, tell the elders you don't want to get divorced. They won't advocate a divorce. They will tell her that she should remain with you, believer or not. There are many articles in the publications about living with unbelieving mates. She can't just use it as an excuse to get rid of you.

  • wasblind

    Welcome Brotherdan,

    i like how you sound,

  • mrsjones5

    Welcome to the board BrotherDan.

  • darth frosty
    darth frosty

    Welcome brotherdan! I too am a former bethelite and I know what you mean about the people in the congo looking up to you for your bethel service.

    As far as alice goes realize her base for mis-direction. she sets up a strawman to punch and beat that has nothing to do with the facts. She points to other religions and there faults and ignore the WT's and than goes on to false conclusions.

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