I really needed to find a place to write this as I don't believe I can talk with anyone else about my account, perhaps it is similar to a lot of yours.
Last night for whatever reason I said I would go online and look up information on JWs. I have been raised as a JW all my life and baptized the last few years. I looked at www.freeminds.org and www.sixscreensofthewatchtower.com and couldn't believe how easily the whole of my lifes teachings were refuted.
I can't stop my brain from running, BS just in regards to theology alone (1914, paradise earth, celebrations etc.) and then organization structure and tools such as fear and hatred being used. I knew in the last year or so there were things I really didn't like, without even going online and seeing them, the sometimes odd hateful comments form others in regards to worldy people which some I really like, the intense psychological pressure I feel to do better and better yet feeling at the same time like a complete failure in theocratic duties.
I'm scared guys, I'm not sure where to go from here. I know as far as my personality I will never be an outright denouncer of this religion but I want to leave. I need to preserve the relationships of my mom, dad and siblings because I am weak emotional and need that support. Honestly, I could care less about my friends except one, who funny enough me and him joke around about "the truth" sometimes. Can you please point me to some more sources on doing things like that?
I was contimplating just coasting, but I feel disgusted as at what I've learned. Todays meeting will be very uncomfortable.
I think the main thing that stands out right now is love... the completely conditional love of this organization, the fact that being a young man I am still single and know I have missed out on meaningful relationships.
Please I need some reassurance.
Thank you in advance,